Ok, so I'm not really going to debate which is better because, I feel the Lord calls us to different things at different times in our lives and I don't feel that any one is really better than the other given your circumstances. That being said, this is a struggle for me because I have worked full time since I graduated from college and had worked at least part time prior to that.
Since all of this started back in May, I have heard more than once that it is not my job as a wife to provide for my family. While I understand the Biblical concept, it's honestly hard for me to accept. There is a verse that my wonderful, godly husband takes to heart and it is: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). As a wife, this makes me swell with pride that I have a husband who takes his role as provider seriously and seeks to honor the Lord as he leads our family, but what is my responsibility?
My struggle comes in when I see the balance in the check book and our savings account and feel like I should be working to help my husband bring in income and help provide for our family. I'll be honest in that the Lord has provided for all of our needs since we prayed and came to the decision that I was coming home at least for the time being, but I feel like I should be doing more. Yes, this is probably more of an issue of fear than anything else, but I worry about our bills and making sure that our needs are provided for. ALL of our bills have been paid and we are not in danger of losing anything at this point and for that I am thankful. I also hate to see the look on my husband's face when he is balancing the checkbook.
All of this to say, I still struggle with whether or not I need to seek out at least some sort of part time job and even with that would it be complete disobedience for me, in this moment to seek out work? There is a ministry desire that has been growing inside of me for several years and I honestly pray the Lord will open doors and allow me to start speaking at least once a month and bring in some income through those speaking engagements. I am also hoping to teach a short term ladies' Bible study through our church later on in the fall and know that even if that is the door the Lord opens, that I am still walking in obedience.
Walking in obedience even when there is fear is difficult. I desire to live a life without fear and in complete and total obedience to the Lord. If you know me well, then you know that I thrive when I know there is security. Right now, my husband and I are walking in complete and total faith and reliance on the Lord. Yes, this is what we should always do, but I kind of like to "take control" when I can because I fear the unknown.. The next several months or even upcoming year will be a test of my faith and a time of growth for me. I can only hope and pray that at the end of this chapter I can look back and know the Lord was pleased with how I handled each situation presented and that I responded in faith instead of out of fear.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
New Year for the Kids.
Today, my kids started their new school year and I almost made it out of the building without any tears, but when I went to say goodbye to my daughter, I lost that battle. I love my kids and am thankful that they are healthy and growing, but I would like to slow time down just a little bit.
My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.
My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.
Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.
In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.
My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.
Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.
Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.
My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.
My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.
My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.
My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.
Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.
In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.
My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.
Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.
Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.
My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.
My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Changes and Challenges
Change is never easy and challenges arise even when the change is desired and that is where I currently find myself. Coming home was a decision that my husband and I prayed about and felt that the Lord was leading in that direction and has shown us in several ways that we have made the correct choice. That being said, I am now trying to figure out who I am and where do I go from here?
I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.
My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.
I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.
When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.
I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.
I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.
My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.
I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.
When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.
I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Aug 1st and a Mixed Ball of Emotions.
It's Aug 1st and I will be honest, that I felt a little lost when I woke up this morning. Typically, today would have my alarm going off around 5:30a and me heading out the door a little before 7:00a, attempting to eat breakfast while choking back tears and the overwhelming feelings of mommy guilt. I would pull into the parking lot, give myself a little pep talk, telling myself that the kids are in great hands with their father and there are little people in this school that I need to help. I would look in the mirror to make sure my face wasn't too blotchy, put on my happy camper face and walk into the school ready to face a new year.
This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.
I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.
I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.
This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.
I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.
I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
And the answer is.... "I Don't Know"
It seems the only answer I have when people ask me my what plans are or what I plan on doing next is "I don't know." If you know me well, you know that I hate to give that type of answer. I am a Type A planner and I don't do things without at least one plan in place and most times multiple back up plans. So here I am two months after all of this started and I honestly don't know what is next.
For now, I am going to share how I ended up in this place and a change in my thought processes over the years. Please know that some of you will take offense to where I started and while I don't want to intentionally offend anyone, I need to be honest and transparent. So, here we go and hold on because this is going to be a long post.
I grew up in a single parent home. My mother put herself through nursing school after the divorce. She did the absolute best she could as a single mother. Somehow, through all of the craziness of life, my mother was always there. She modeled problem solving and having the ability to stand on her own two feet without a man in the home. Yes, we were beyond blessed w/ an incredible church that filled certain gaps and walked beside us through both the good and the bad. What this taught me was that while I had dreams of one day getting married and having a family of my own, I didn't really "need" a man and I could stand on my own two feet and independence was built into me at a very young age.
Fast forward to college. I was blessed to attend a wonderful SBC all women's college in Alabama and it sometimes still surprises me that the Lord called me there. I was surrounded by some incredibly strong and independent professors. There were leadership positions I was able to hold that I may not have had the opportunity otherwise if I had attended a co-ed school. This further built in me the "Anything you can do I can do better" mentality when it came to guys. You guessed it, I really did not date much.
Because my college was a small and nothing but women, there were many girls who came already in serious relationships and some were even already engaged. Many of them had plans to graduate and then marry almost as soon as they graduated. I will be honest, I wanted to scream at those girls. I couldn't for the life of me understand why any of these girls were even in school if all they wanted to do was to go home and be barefoot and pregnant. (Yes, this is what may offend some of you). Even through my frustration and anger at these girls, there was one relationship that stood out to me. One girl apparently had a guy that she was best friends w/ all through high school and they did many of the high school activities together. I am not sure how long they actually dated before becoming engaged, but I do know that they pretty much skipped the large part of the whole dating thing and that was something I wanted. Weird to have such anger towards one group and totally desire the type of relationship one girl had. This last fact will be important later on this post.
I graduated from college and went to Wyoming for a year to serve as a Semester Missionary through NAMB. Actually dated two guys during that year period and ended up moving to Nashville because of the one relationship. My desire at this point was very much to get married and have children. That being said, I didn't see anything wrong with children being in day care while I worked. In the end that relationship didn't work out and I was living in Nashville not really knowing any other people besides my co-workers. At that point I was honestly ready to head back home to south Alabama, but the independent "I can do this on my own" side of me won out and I stayed in Nashville. The day after 9/11 changed my life forever and I didn't even know it at the time because I had just met the man of my dreams.
At that point my world was completely rocked. My nation had been attacked and being a military brat, I was taught to believe that we as a nation were untouchable. All church sermons around that time revolved around how safe we were and that we were not alone and I wanted to scream b/c I had not only had my heart crushed into what felt like a million pieces, my own sense of safety and security of being American had just been ripped out from under my feet. Needless to say I spent a great deal of time yelling at the Lord and not really happy with where He had me at this point.
Through all of this, I started attending a new church and the Lord sent me an incredible group of friends, including the man I would eventually go on to marry. The Sunday School class I was a part of rocked. This was a class unlike any I had ever been in before and we had the best time with each other in Bible Study, playing and serving in all areas of the church. Also, many people began to start pairing up, dating and eventually marrying. My circle of friends was no different. When we went out, most people were couples and this left my now husband, Sean, and I "together" even though we were not really together. Our friendship began to grow and we spent many nights and weekends together and "hanging out." Honestly, I was in total denial about how I felt about him and one more than one occasion, I told him that he was not my list. That is actually a story for another blog, but yes, I honestly said this to him and would later go on to eat my words.
In April of 2002 my world collapsed and my group of friends rallied around me when my brother died. A group of 6 of them made the long 6 hr drive to my hometown. Three of them came down on Tuesday for the viewing and drove back and then 3 came down on Wed for the actual funeral. You guessed it, Sean was in that group.
Fast forward to summer of 2003. Sean and I spent a great deal of time together, in spite of many of the walls that I built up over the years. I had been in counseling to deal with many issues that arose after the death of my brother and relationships were definitely a part of that process. At this time I had also been accepted to SWBTS and was preparing to make the move to Fort Worth, TX. In July of that summer we shared our first kiss and the next day I completely flipped out and ran away. It really had nothing to do w/ him, it was my own insecurities and fears about relationships after watching my parents divorce and a nasty break up in 01.
Thankfully, we had an incredible singles pastor, who was not afraid to call me on the carpet and tell me what he thought about my thoughts and went through my list and pointed out what I already knew to be true about Sean. This conversation took place in the basement of their home with the singles pastor and his wife in the middle of a tornado warning. This is the same minister who would eventually end up performing our marriage ceremony and his daughter was one of our junior bridesmaids. This is a family that my husband and I have kept in contact with through the years.
In August I made the move to Fort Worth and never really found closure where this guy was concerned. I was convinced that I would meet a nice seminary boy and become a minister's wife. Honestly, I was hoping to land a youth pastor or a recreation minister. The Lord definitely showed his great sense of humor in that every I guy I met on campus I would compare to Sean back in Nashville. That Nov, we were both in a wedding of two dear friends and that was probably the first real conversation he and I had shared since I left in Aug. We would chat on AOL IM from time to time and that Christmas we had a nice long conversation on the phone and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had my best friend back. During this time, the Lord was hitting me over the head with the fact that every single guy I met, I was comparing to my Sean. If he was the one guy to which every other guy was being measured, then why in the world, did I not want to be with him? I had wondered more than once if he treated his friends as well as he did, how would he treat a girlfriend/ fiance/ wife?
During this time I spent a great deal of time talking with the amazing group of friends I had made in Fort Worth. Some were for the relationship and others were more cautious. In Jan of 04, I did something that I would not typically encourage girls to do, but I wrote my Sean a very long letter, actually, I typed it and sent it as an attachment in an email and told him how I felt. At this point, I knew I was risking having my heart torn to shreds again, but he had been respectful in keeping his distance. The story of what happened the night he received the letter is long, so I won't share it here, but it turned his night upside down.
In March my father had been admitted to hospice in GA and I made the long drive from Fort Worth to GA several times. On my next to last drive, Sean came down from Nashville. At this point we were technically dating. He wasn't sure if he wanted children and that was something that had to be resolved before we could move on any farther. One night, he looked at me and told me that he wanted me to be the mother of his children and I cried, then we had a conversation about the big "M" word. Even though I had never been a daddy's girl, or even really all that close to him, I wanted what most girls wanted and that was the blessing of both of my parents. On a Sun morning, my Sean walked into my father's hospice room and asked for my hand in marriage. My father, true to form, responded with "That sounds fine to me" and those were the last words I heard from him and he passed away on Saturday.
On Mon before I made the long trek back to Fort Worth, Sean made me a huge "diamond" ring out of balloons. I guess this would be a good time to share that my hubby is a children and family entertainer and latex pays our bills. When I arrived back to Fort Worth, I was preparing to go on a ladies' retreat with my church. We did things a little out of order and set a date for our wedding. At this point, he left for a 6 week American Armed Forces Entertainment Tour. When he came home in May, he flew me to Nashville to officially meet his family and when I met him after I got off the plane, he proposed. Another fun story for another time.
So, now I was engaged and then we married in June of 05. When I started at SWBTS, I was pursuing a double master's along with a concentration. At this point, I realized that I would be in school forever if I continued down this road, so I dropped my second master's degree. This also meant that I would not have a concentration, even though I had already completed all of the course work. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to graduate and start and family. Yes, I still wanted a career and had no qualms with children being a day care.
We moved back to Nashville after I graduated in Dec of 2006. Our daughter was born May of 09. As a school based therapist I had the luxury of a school schedule and summer's off. The fall after my daughter was born I cried all the way to work and the mommy guilt kicked into high gear and for the first time, there was a shift in my thinking. I tried to ignore it and push it away, but I couldn't. Along came our two sons and my heart was struggling with what I really wanted. There was a part of me that knew women worked full time outside of the home and their children turned out just fine. There was also a part of me that wanted to be home with my children and there were days that I struggled to keep it together because I longed to home with them. Another thing you should understand is that because my husband is self-employed, he was home with our children and a part of me resented that.
Fast forward to May of this year and everything at work fell apart. After many tears, prayer and seeking godly counsel the decision was made that I would resign my position. Like I said earlier, I am a planner. Resigning a position with nothing else lined up is so not me. I interviewed for another a position and was not called back in for a second interview and I had very mixed emotions about this. A part of me was frustrated that with all of my experience they still didn't want me and a part of me was completely relieved because I really didn't want the position. I have shared in a previous blog about what it is that I desire to do and firmly believe that the Lord is calling me to that. I have also come to realize that many of the things I want to teach wives and mothers are things that I have never experienced as a wife and mother. For the first time in 8 yrs of marriage, I am completely 100% dependent on my husband to provide financially. For the first time, I am a housewife and stay at home mother. For the first time, I have no idea as to what the next step will look like or what doors the Lord will open for me.
There are still conversations that I need to have and several emails that need to be sent. I have almost completed the book "S.H.A.P.E" by Erik Rees. Reading that book has confirmed several things within myself, and had me doing a great deal of praying, processing and thinking. I'll be honest that my desire to be in ministry is as strong as ever,but I still have no clue as to what that looks like. Am I am full time stay at home mom, a full time working mom or a part time working mom? Do I even know what it is that I really want? The answer to all of this is "I don't know." There is still an internal struggle with what I have thought and felt most of my life and the thoughts that have crept in over the past several years. Did I ever think that at this stage in my life I would be in this position or questioning thoughts and feelings I have held for most of my life. No. For someone who has been confident and self-assured this is a very frustrating position to be in, but I know that the Lord has a plan and when He opens the door that He wants me to go through, I will see how this journey will encourage other wives and mothers and in the end will bring Him glory because in the end that is all that matters.
My prayer as you have read my short novel of a blog post is that you will see that I am very much human, that I am attempting to be as transparent as I can in this journey and that ultimately, my goal and heart's desire to is honor the Lord. It is OK to NOT have all of the answers, even for those of us who are extreme type A personalities. It's OK to let your husband take care of you, even though your desire to contribute to your family. If you are a working mother, do it so that it glorifies the Lord and make sure you are still being the wife and mother that you need to be. If you are a full time stay at home mom, then do it to honor and glorify the Lord. The Lord brings us each through different seasons and I pray that no matter what season you are in that you will stay in The Word and on your face before Him.
Thank you again for sticking around and making it to the end of this short novel!
For now, I am going to share how I ended up in this place and a change in my thought processes over the years. Please know that some of you will take offense to where I started and while I don't want to intentionally offend anyone, I need to be honest and transparent. So, here we go and hold on because this is going to be a long post.
I grew up in a single parent home. My mother put herself through nursing school after the divorce. She did the absolute best she could as a single mother. Somehow, through all of the craziness of life, my mother was always there. She modeled problem solving and having the ability to stand on her own two feet without a man in the home. Yes, we were beyond blessed w/ an incredible church that filled certain gaps and walked beside us through both the good and the bad. What this taught me was that while I had dreams of one day getting married and having a family of my own, I didn't really "need" a man and I could stand on my own two feet and independence was built into me at a very young age.
Fast forward to college. I was blessed to attend a wonderful SBC all women's college in Alabama and it sometimes still surprises me that the Lord called me there. I was surrounded by some incredibly strong and independent professors. There were leadership positions I was able to hold that I may not have had the opportunity otherwise if I had attended a co-ed school. This further built in me the "Anything you can do I can do better" mentality when it came to guys. You guessed it, I really did not date much.
Because my college was a small and nothing but women, there were many girls who came already in serious relationships and some were even already engaged. Many of them had plans to graduate and then marry almost as soon as they graduated. I will be honest, I wanted to scream at those girls. I couldn't for the life of me understand why any of these girls were even in school if all they wanted to do was to go home and be barefoot and pregnant. (Yes, this is what may offend some of you). Even through my frustration and anger at these girls, there was one relationship that stood out to me. One girl apparently had a guy that she was best friends w/ all through high school and they did many of the high school activities together. I am not sure how long they actually dated before becoming engaged, but I do know that they pretty much skipped the large part of the whole dating thing and that was something I wanted. Weird to have such anger towards one group and totally desire the type of relationship one girl had. This last fact will be important later on this post.
I graduated from college and went to Wyoming for a year to serve as a Semester Missionary through NAMB. Actually dated two guys during that year period and ended up moving to Nashville because of the one relationship. My desire at this point was very much to get married and have children. That being said, I didn't see anything wrong with children being in day care while I worked. In the end that relationship didn't work out and I was living in Nashville not really knowing any other people besides my co-workers. At that point I was honestly ready to head back home to south Alabama, but the independent "I can do this on my own" side of me won out and I stayed in Nashville. The day after 9/11 changed my life forever and I didn't even know it at the time because I had just met the man of my dreams.
At that point my world was completely rocked. My nation had been attacked and being a military brat, I was taught to believe that we as a nation were untouchable. All church sermons around that time revolved around how safe we were and that we were not alone and I wanted to scream b/c I had not only had my heart crushed into what felt like a million pieces, my own sense of safety and security of being American had just been ripped out from under my feet. Needless to say I spent a great deal of time yelling at the Lord and not really happy with where He had me at this point.
Through all of this, I started attending a new church and the Lord sent me an incredible group of friends, including the man I would eventually go on to marry. The Sunday School class I was a part of rocked. This was a class unlike any I had ever been in before and we had the best time with each other in Bible Study, playing and serving in all areas of the church. Also, many people began to start pairing up, dating and eventually marrying. My circle of friends was no different. When we went out, most people were couples and this left my now husband, Sean, and I "together" even though we were not really together. Our friendship began to grow and we spent many nights and weekends together and "hanging out." Honestly, I was in total denial about how I felt about him and one more than one occasion, I told him that he was not my list. That is actually a story for another blog, but yes, I honestly said this to him and would later go on to eat my words.
In April of 2002 my world collapsed and my group of friends rallied around me when my brother died. A group of 6 of them made the long 6 hr drive to my hometown. Three of them came down on Tuesday for the viewing and drove back and then 3 came down on Wed for the actual funeral. You guessed it, Sean was in that group.
Fast forward to summer of 2003. Sean and I spent a great deal of time together, in spite of many of the walls that I built up over the years. I had been in counseling to deal with many issues that arose after the death of my brother and relationships were definitely a part of that process. At this time I had also been accepted to SWBTS and was preparing to make the move to Fort Worth, TX. In July of that summer we shared our first kiss and the next day I completely flipped out and ran away. It really had nothing to do w/ him, it was my own insecurities and fears about relationships after watching my parents divorce and a nasty break up in 01.
Thankfully, we had an incredible singles pastor, who was not afraid to call me on the carpet and tell me what he thought about my thoughts and went through my list and pointed out what I already knew to be true about Sean. This conversation took place in the basement of their home with the singles pastor and his wife in the middle of a tornado warning. This is the same minister who would eventually end up performing our marriage ceremony and his daughter was one of our junior bridesmaids. This is a family that my husband and I have kept in contact with through the years.
In August I made the move to Fort Worth and never really found closure where this guy was concerned. I was convinced that I would meet a nice seminary boy and become a minister's wife. Honestly, I was hoping to land a youth pastor or a recreation minister. The Lord definitely showed his great sense of humor in that every I guy I met on campus I would compare to Sean back in Nashville. That Nov, we were both in a wedding of two dear friends and that was probably the first real conversation he and I had shared since I left in Aug. We would chat on AOL IM from time to time and that Christmas we had a nice long conversation on the phone and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had my best friend back. During this time, the Lord was hitting me over the head with the fact that every single guy I met, I was comparing to my Sean. If he was the one guy to which every other guy was being measured, then why in the world, did I not want to be with him? I had wondered more than once if he treated his friends as well as he did, how would he treat a girlfriend/ fiance/ wife?
During this time I spent a great deal of time talking with the amazing group of friends I had made in Fort Worth. Some were for the relationship and others were more cautious. In Jan of 04, I did something that I would not typically encourage girls to do, but I wrote my Sean a very long letter, actually, I typed it and sent it as an attachment in an email and told him how I felt. At this point, I knew I was risking having my heart torn to shreds again, but he had been respectful in keeping his distance. The story of what happened the night he received the letter is long, so I won't share it here, but it turned his night upside down.
In March my father had been admitted to hospice in GA and I made the long drive from Fort Worth to GA several times. On my next to last drive, Sean came down from Nashville. At this point we were technically dating. He wasn't sure if he wanted children and that was something that had to be resolved before we could move on any farther. One night, he looked at me and told me that he wanted me to be the mother of his children and I cried, then we had a conversation about the big "M" word. Even though I had never been a daddy's girl, or even really all that close to him, I wanted what most girls wanted and that was the blessing of both of my parents. On a Sun morning, my Sean walked into my father's hospice room and asked for my hand in marriage. My father, true to form, responded with "That sounds fine to me" and those were the last words I heard from him and he passed away on Saturday.
On Mon before I made the long trek back to Fort Worth, Sean made me a huge "diamond" ring out of balloons. I guess this would be a good time to share that my hubby is a children and family entertainer and latex pays our bills. When I arrived back to Fort Worth, I was preparing to go on a ladies' retreat with my church. We did things a little out of order and set a date for our wedding. At this point, he left for a 6 week American Armed Forces Entertainment Tour. When he came home in May, he flew me to Nashville to officially meet his family and when I met him after I got off the plane, he proposed. Another fun story for another time.
So, now I was engaged and then we married in June of 05. When I started at SWBTS, I was pursuing a double master's along with a concentration. At this point, I realized that I would be in school forever if I continued down this road, so I dropped my second master's degree. This also meant that I would not have a concentration, even though I had already completed all of the course work. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to graduate and start and family. Yes, I still wanted a career and had no qualms with children being a day care.
We moved back to Nashville after I graduated in Dec of 2006. Our daughter was born May of 09. As a school based therapist I had the luxury of a school schedule and summer's off. The fall after my daughter was born I cried all the way to work and the mommy guilt kicked into high gear and for the first time, there was a shift in my thinking. I tried to ignore it and push it away, but I couldn't. Along came our two sons and my heart was struggling with what I really wanted. There was a part of me that knew women worked full time outside of the home and their children turned out just fine. There was also a part of me that wanted to be home with my children and there were days that I struggled to keep it together because I longed to home with them. Another thing you should understand is that because my husband is self-employed, he was home with our children and a part of me resented that.
Fast forward to May of this year and everything at work fell apart. After many tears, prayer and seeking godly counsel the decision was made that I would resign my position. Like I said earlier, I am a planner. Resigning a position with nothing else lined up is so not me. I interviewed for another a position and was not called back in for a second interview and I had very mixed emotions about this. A part of me was frustrated that with all of my experience they still didn't want me and a part of me was completely relieved because I really didn't want the position. I have shared in a previous blog about what it is that I desire to do and firmly believe that the Lord is calling me to that. I have also come to realize that many of the things I want to teach wives and mothers are things that I have never experienced as a wife and mother. For the first time in 8 yrs of marriage, I am completely 100% dependent on my husband to provide financially. For the first time, I am a housewife and stay at home mother. For the first time, I have no idea as to what the next step will look like or what doors the Lord will open for me.
There are still conversations that I need to have and several emails that need to be sent. I have almost completed the book "S.H.A.P.E" by Erik Rees. Reading that book has confirmed several things within myself, and had me doing a great deal of praying, processing and thinking. I'll be honest that my desire to be in ministry is as strong as ever,but I still have no clue as to what that looks like. Am I am full time stay at home mom, a full time working mom or a part time working mom? Do I even know what it is that I really want? The answer to all of this is "I don't know." There is still an internal struggle with what I have thought and felt most of my life and the thoughts that have crept in over the past several years. Did I ever think that at this stage in my life I would be in this position or questioning thoughts and feelings I have held for most of my life. No. For someone who has been confident and self-assured this is a very frustrating position to be in, but I know that the Lord has a plan and when He opens the door that He wants me to go through, I will see how this journey will encourage other wives and mothers and in the end will bring Him glory because in the end that is all that matters.
My prayer as you have read my short novel of a blog post is that you will see that I am very much human, that I am attempting to be as transparent as I can in this journey and that ultimately, my goal and heart's desire to is honor the Lord. It is OK to NOT have all of the answers, even for those of us who are extreme type A personalities. It's OK to let your husband take care of you, even though your desire to contribute to your family. If you are a working mother, do it so that it glorifies the Lord and make sure you are still being the wife and mother that you need to be. If you are a full time stay at home mom, then do it to honor and glorify the Lord. The Lord brings us each through different seasons and I pray that no matter what season you are in that you will stay in The Word and on your face before Him.
Thank you again for sticking around and making it to the end of this short novel!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Is This a Common Feeling: Part 2
In my last blog post, I shared about a mother who admitted that being a mother was not at all what she thought it would be and honestly was not enjoying it at all. She talked about how much it was affecting her marriage. I guess, for me, this is just more proof that we aren't preparing couples to get married and raise families, but it also shows that maybe the support systems are not in place like they were in the past.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a slight obsession with all things Amish. My three favorite authors are all authors of Amish books and I have spent many hours online researching the Amish and their way of life. While there are things that I disagree with in the culture, there are some things that I think they absolutely get right. The sense of faith, family, community is so strong and I feel like this is something we have let slip in our modern day world.
In their world, they court in private and nobody knows for sure who is dating who until couples publish their marriages, typically in late Sept and announce dates for their wedding which typically take place September through December b/c the bulk of harvesting is over at this time. Once they are published, mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins and other ladies from the community get together to have quilting bees and canning bees to help the couple stock their new homes. Also, during this time there is some mentoring that happens and a wedding is a full on community event. An Amish wedding is typically an all day affair, but I won't share those details at this time. Once the couple is married, they spend their honeymoon traveling and staying with different family members and friends in their districts and neighboring districts. After they return home, their community comes together to help the new couple set up their home and then supports them as they start their new lives together. There is never a lack of people to ask questions nor to be there to mentor the new couple.
In our modern world, this seems a little crazy and may seem like there are too many people involved in the couple's life, but do they really have it that wrong? From the time a person in the Amish community is born, they are surrounded by family, friends and other members of the community. In a sense the whole community becomes like family. They take care of each other and support each other through the all the positives and negatives of life. They come together to help a family build a house, a barn, a shop or whatever else needs to be built and the women provide the meals. When a baby is born, the community is there. When a wedding takes place the community is there. When a death happens the community is there. It's not uncommon for a group to just stop and pray for or over a person, couple or situation. This group of people are born, live and die in their communities. Isn't this how the Lord intended us to live? While I can't say that there has never been a woman to feel the way the mother in the article feels, it does not happen nearly as often because the community is there.
We have become so isolated in a world of technology. Yes, we "communicate" with each other, but do we really connect with each other? Yes, there is a huge difference in the two. Some people are close to their families and others are not. Some people have a close knit group of friends and other do not. Some have close ties to their churches and others do not. I think the lack of community leads to feelings of isolation and the feeling that there is nobody to reach out to and ask for help before reaching the point the mother in the article did. The Lord created us to be relational and not to spend our lives in isolation. I don't claim to have all of the answers, but I do think that we need to do a better job of reaching out to those we care about and making an attempt to really watch and see what is going on in the lives of the people around us.
My challenge to you today is to pay attention to what is going on around you. Is there is a mom who needs a date night or a Girl's Night Out? Is there a family dealing w/ something and they may benefit from you mowing their lawn or bringing them a meal. Is there someone who may just need an ear and have you pray over them? Pray and ask the Lord to put a person or situation in your path, where you can be the hands and feet of Christ.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a slight obsession with all things Amish. My three favorite authors are all authors of Amish books and I have spent many hours online researching the Amish and their way of life. While there are things that I disagree with in the culture, there are some things that I think they absolutely get right. The sense of faith, family, community is so strong and I feel like this is something we have let slip in our modern day world.
In their world, they court in private and nobody knows for sure who is dating who until couples publish their marriages, typically in late Sept and announce dates for their wedding which typically take place September through December b/c the bulk of harvesting is over at this time. Once they are published, mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins and other ladies from the community get together to have quilting bees and canning bees to help the couple stock their new homes. Also, during this time there is some mentoring that happens and a wedding is a full on community event. An Amish wedding is typically an all day affair, but I won't share those details at this time. Once the couple is married, they spend their honeymoon traveling and staying with different family members and friends in their districts and neighboring districts. After they return home, their community comes together to help the new couple set up their home and then supports them as they start their new lives together. There is never a lack of people to ask questions nor to be there to mentor the new couple.
In our modern world, this seems a little crazy and may seem like there are too many people involved in the couple's life, but do they really have it that wrong? From the time a person in the Amish community is born, they are surrounded by family, friends and other members of the community. In a sense the whole community becomes like family. They take care of each other and support each other through the all the positives and negatives of life. They come together to help a family build a house, a barn, a shop or whatever else needs to be built and the women provide the meals. When a baby is born, the community is there. When a wedding takes place the community is there. When a death happens the community is there. It's not uncommon for a group to just stop and pray for or over a person, couple or situation. This group of people are born, live and die in their communities. Isn't this how the Lord intended us to live? While I can't say that there has never been a woman to feel the way the mother in the article feels, it does not happen nearly as often because the community is there.
We have become so isolated in a world of technology. Yes, we "communicate" with each other, but do we really connect with each other? Yes, there is a huge difference in the two. Some people are close to their families and others are not. Some people have a close knit group of friends and other do not. Some have close ties to their churches and others do not. I think the lack of community leads to feelings of isolation and the feeling that there is nobody to reach out to and ask for help before reaching the point the mother in the article did. The Lord created us to be relational and not to spend our lives in isolation. I don't claim to have all of the answers, but I do think that we need to do a better job of reaching out to those we care about and making an attempt to really watch and see what is going on in the lives of the people around us.
My challenge to you today is to pay attention to what is going on around you. Is there is a mom who needs a date night or a Girl's Night Out? Is there a family dealing w/ something and they may benefit from you mowing their lawn or bringing them a meal. Is there someone who may just need an ear and have you pray over them? Pray and ask the Lord to put a person or situation in your path, where you can be the hands and feet of Christ.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Is this a common feeling?
I stated following the Cafemom page on Facebook, thinking that it was a Christian page. Not long after I started following I realized that it was not, but the articles they post are interesting. Some are out there, but then there are some that are relevant.
This is an article that I read earlier this morning, titled "I Hate Being a Mom." Needless to say the title grabbed me and I read the article and the comments that followed. While I should not have been surprised. many of the comments were down right hateful. There were a handful of sympathetic mothers that may not have completely agreed w/ her words, but could somewhat identify w/ the feelings behind what the mother said.
Here is the post:
"I am a 41 year old married mother of 2. I knew having kids would be a big change but in no way did I know just how much so. I love my children but I am so unhappy. There is no time for me anymore. I have lost myself. I used to be a person and now I feel like nothing. The children suck the life out of us. Nobody tells you how awful it is. I see how my husband changed and how our relationship changed but now I see how I changed too. There is no romance. We are too tired from homework and cleaning and fighting and having to do everything for the children all the time. We used to go to plays and museums. We used to have vacations and long talks. We used to not worry so much about money. We used to sleep in on weekends. We used to take care of our appearances and we used to enjoy life. Now we don't do any of that anymore. I am this cranky tired b**** all the time. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate my life. I feel trapped. I would give anything to like myself and be happy again."
My first reaction was "how sad." Next, I wondered if her children know how she feels and how is affecting them. Last, does she have a close circle of friends or a church family and if so where in the world have they been? This is not something that happens over night and I am sure those who know her best have seen a change in her over time. I will also admit that I thought that this mother needs professional help to assist her in several areas.
Most of us, if we are honest, will admit that our children are true blessings from the Lord, but we all have nights where we watch the clock and count down to the time the kids can go to bed and maybe, will even try to figure out how early they can go down w/ out it really throwing off their schedules. We also count down the weeks, days and maybe even the hours when nana/ grandma or a babysitter will show up at the house and take over so that we can run out w/ our spouses for some much needed adult time. Hopefully, this is not an every day occurrence, but if it is, please seek out people who may be able to help.
There were many mothers who shared that it is not always in the budget to hire a sitter and get out of the house for a couple of hours and I totally understand that! Let me share what my husband and I have done when the budget gets tight:
1) Feed and put the kids to bed (maybe slightly earlier than normal).
2) Cook together! This can be an incredibly fun and romantic activity.
3)Set a nice table w/ candles and cloth place-mats instead of Disney Princesses or Micky Mouse like in our house.
4) Either curl up on the couch or in your bed to watch a movie together. You will be surprised how spontaneity may take over at this point.
5) My husband and I also enjoying sitting outside and talking. (We have portable phones that can act as baby monitors so that we can still keep an ear out for the kids).
It takes some planning and some work, but home dates can work!!!
Find a hobby or something else that you enjoy doing. If you have the budget that allows you to join a gym, take a dance class, an art class, music class or whatever else you enjoy doing, then do it. It may be that you have a genre of books you enjoy reading. (If you look at my bookshelves, you will quickly learn that I have an interest in all things Amish). I also enjoy "escaping" by watching movies. Try to carve out a time a couple of days a week where you can find the "me" time to do it. All of our schedules are different, so find what works for you.
Find a way to have a Girl's Night Out once every couple of months. It may be that you have a family member come watch the kids or you drop the kids at their house. I know several people who take turns watching the kids so that 1) The babysitting is free and 2) It allows couples/ parents to have the time they need to connect w/ others.
There may be times when life becomes so totally overwhelming that you may begin to feel like the mother in the article above. Please do NOT let it get to that extreme before you seek help. It may be that you first go to a close friend and share your feelings or you may need to share w/ a minister in your church, but please speak up before it's too late.
When you start to become frustrated w/ your kids, take a mommy time out. This may be a simple as putting in a movie you know the kids will sit and watch and you go to the kitchen grab a glass of sweet tea or a Coke and maybe eat a cookie or two. (No, I don't think we should use the tv and food all of the time, but every now and then it really is ok). If it's possible, have your spouse watch the kids while you go and hide in your room for a little while. Both of these methods are free and can be done w/ out leaving children alone for long periods of time. Putting kids to bed early may also help if it is pushing that time. I also encourage you to list the things that you love about your children. This small act puts your frustration back into perspective.
Some of the other things that went through my head while reading this article is where the Church Big "C" has failed to come alongside couples and families. Most girls spend so much time planning the wedding, while guys spend little to no time and planning for the marriage doesn't really happen. Couples need to be taught how to continue dating through the marriage. They need to learn time management and how to balance marriage, kids, extended family, friends, work, church and other responsibilities. None of this is easy, but we do a lousy job of assisting couples and getting them started on the right foot. Most churches offer a couple of premarital counseling sessions and then wish them good luck as they prepare to walk down the isle. Then, as soon as the honeymoon period ends and reality hits many couples are left to wonder "what do we do now?" If they are struggling, they certainly won't admit it out loud in church, b/c Christians aren't supposed to struggle to so asking for help becomes a huge hurdle rather than something that should come naturally.
Is it any wonder that the divorce rate is so high among Christians? Sadly, Southern Baptists have the highest divorce rate among Protestant denominations. There are so many resources are out there, but many couples have no idea how to access them and because of the feeling that they have to be perfect, opening up and asking for help and asking for resources is a huge deal.
There are so many more issues to be addressed in the article above, but I will stop here for the moment and pick up w/ part B at a later time. In the meantime, seek out "me" time and more importantly seek out time for you and your marriage.
This is an article that I read earlier this morning, titled "I Hate Being a Mom." Needless to say the title grabbed me and I read the article and the comments that followed. While I should not have been surprised. many of the comments were down right hateful. There were a handful of sympathetic mothers that may not have completely agreed w/ her words, but could somewhat identify w/ the feelings behind what the mother said.
Here is the post:
"I am a 41 year old married mother of 2. I knew having kids would be a big change but in no way did I know just how much so. I love my children but I am so unhappy. There is no time for me anymore. I have lost myself. I used to be a person and now I feel like nothing. The children suck the life out of us. Nobody tells you how awful it is. I see how my husband changed and how our relationship changed but now I see how I changed too. There is no romance. We are too tired from homework and cleaning and fighting and having to do everything for the children all the time. We used to go to plays and museums. We used to have vacations and long talks. We used to not worry so much about money. We used to sleep in on weekends. We used to take care of our appearances and we used to enjoy life. Now we don't do any of that anymore. I am this cranky tired b**** all the time. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate my life. I feel trapped. I would give anything to like myself and be happy again."
My first reaction was "how sad." Next, I wondered if her children know how she feels and how is affecting them. Last, does she have a close circle of friends or a church family and if so where in the world have they been? This is not something that happens over night and I am sure those who know her best have seen a change in her over time. I will also admit that I thought that this mother needs professional help to assist her in several areas.
Most of us, if we are honest, will admit that our children are true blessings from the Lord, but we all have nights where we watch the clock and count down to the time the kids can go to bed and maybe, will even try to figure out how early they can go down w/ out it really throwing off their schedules. We also count down the weeks, days and maybe even the hours when nana/ grandma or a babysitter will show up at the house and take over so that we can run out w/ our spouses for some much needed adult time. Hopefully, this is not an every day occurrence, but if it is, please seek out people who may be able to help.
There were many mothers who shared that it is not always in the budget to hire a sitter and get out of the house for a couple of hours and I totally understand that! Let me share what my husband and I have done when the budget gets tight:
1) Feed and put the kids to bed (maybe slightly earlier than normal).
2) Cook together! This can be an incredibly fun and romantic activity.
3)Set a nice table w/ candles and cloth place-mats instead of Disney Princesses or Micky Mouse like in our house.
4) Either curl up on the couch or in your bed to watch a movie together. You will be surprised how spontaneity may take over at this point.
5) My husband and I also enjoying sitting outside and talking. (We have portable phones that can act as baby monitors so that we can still keep an ear out for the kids).
It takes some planning and some work, but home dates can work!!!
Find a hobby or something else that you enjoy doing. If you have the budget that allows you to join a gym, take a dance class, an art class, music class or whatever else you enjoy doing, then do it. It may be that you have a genre of books you enjoy reading. (If you look at my bookshelves, you will quickly learn that I have an interest in all things Amish). I also enjoy "escaping" by watching movies. Try to carve out a time a couple of days a week where you can find the "me" time to do it. All of our schedules are different, so find what works for you.
Find a way to have a Girl's Night Out once every couple of months. It may be that you have a family member come watch the kids or you drop the kids at their house. I know several people who take turns watching the kids so that 1) The babysitting is free and 2) It allows couples/ parents to have the time they need to connect w/ others.
There may be times when life becomes so totally overwhelming that you may begin to feel like the mother in the article above. Please do NOT let it get to that extreme before you seek help. It may be that you first go to a close friend and share your feelings or you may need to share w/ a minister in your church, but please speak up before it's too late.
When you start to become frustrated w/ your kids, take a mommy time out. This may be a simple as putting in a movie you know the kids will sit and watch and you go to the kitchen grab a glass of sweet tea or a Coke and maybe eat a cookie or two. (No, I don't think we should use the tv and food all of the time, but every now and then it really is ok). If it's possible, have your spouse watch the kids while you go and hide in your room for a little while. Both of these methods are free and can be done w/ out leaving children alone for long periods of time. Putting kids to bed early may also help if it is pushing that time. I also encourage you to list the things that you love about your children. This small act puts your frustration back into perspective.
Some of the other things that went through my head while reading this article is where the Church Big "C" has failed to come alongside couples and families. Most girls spend so much time planning the wedding, while guys spend little to no time and planning for the marriage doesn't really happen. Couples need to be taught how to continue dating through the marriage. They need to learn time management and how to balance marriage, kids, extended family, friends, work, church and other responsibilities. None of this is easy, but we do a lousy job of assisting couples and getting them started on the right foot. Most churches offer a couple of premarital counseling sessions and then wish them good luck as they prepare to walk down the isle. Then, as soon as the honeymoon period ends and reality hits many couples are left to wonder "what do we do now?" If they are struggling, they certainly won't admit it out loud in church, b/c Christians aren't supposed to struggle to so asking for help becomes a huge hurdle rather than something that should come naturally.
Is it any wonder that the divorce rate is so high among Christians? Sadly, Southern Baptists have the highest divorce rate among Protestant denominations. There are so many resources are out there, but many couples have no idea how to access them and because of the feeling that they have to be perfect, opening up and asking for help and asking for resources is a huge deal.
There are so many more issues to be addressed in the article above, but I will stop here for the moment and pick up w/ part B at a later time. In the meantime, seek out "me" time and more importantly seek out time for you and your marriage.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Fear
Fear, the thing that keeps most of us from doing the thing that we truly love. Why do we fear? What causes us to truly be afraid? Are we afraid of the unknown? Are we afraid of risks? Are we afraid of failure? Are we afraid of what others think? These are the many questions popping up in my head right now, but I am learning that I am not alone in this. There are several friends who also have their own leaps of faith that need to be taken.
Joshua 10:25 NIV
Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight."
1 Chronicles 28:20 NIV
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.
John 14:27 NIV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Luke 8:25 NIV
"Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."
2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
In looking through the Bible (using www.crosswalk.com) and looking up verses that contain the words fear or afraid, I was amazed at the number of verses talking about fear. Some talk about fear of others, some being afraid of something and many talking about the fear of the Lord. What I also found amazing, was that we are told over and over again to not be afraid and yet, it's a battle that I fight frequently. My fear is not crippling in the sense that I can't leave my home or interact w/ others, but it does often keep me from doing things the Lord has called me to do. This is a trait about myself that I honestly want to change. Sharing my dream out loud on FB and in a blog post caused a great deal of anxiety. Why? Because I am afraid of what people think? Yes. Because, I have no clue what this will all look like? Yes. Because I am afraid of failing? Yes. Fear keeps me from being who I should be in the Lord and prevents me from doing certain things b/c I am often to afraid to do them.
This past year has been interesting for me in my walk w/ the Lord. He has had me on a quest for authenticity as well as not being so fearful. Too many times we walk into church and put on what I like to call our "happy camper" faces. Things at home and work could be a total mess, but if asked our response is "I am so blessed." While we may truly be blessed there are days when we need to be able to share what is on our hearts and b/c of the fear of the reactions of others, we often keep things to ourselves. I do think that authenticity and fear go hand in hand. We are too afraid to be open and honest about what is on our hearts that people only see a portion of who we really are. We are too afraid to ask for people to pray for that things that hold us back from being all the Lord has called us to be and therefore sometimes struggle to move forward in life.
I'll be honest, I am so not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I never thought that in my mid 30's that I would be essentially starting over where work was concerned. In talking w/ a friend today, I told her that I am completely terrified of what the future holds and yet, at the very same time, I feel like I actually have some control and power over what will happen, if that makes any sense at all. I have not been completely happy on the work front for a couple of years, not that I have not made many wonderful friends along the way, but I have felt like there is more that I could be doing. I still have not heard back from the one company about a second round interview. Yes, I still think if they called me back for a second interview and then offered me the position, I would struggle w/ the answer. It would be easy to say yes and keep doing what I have been doing for the past six and a half years, but I would also struggle w/ knowing that my dreams are once again being put on hold. So, do I go forward w/ what is easy if the opportunity is presented or do I take the giant leap of faith, that makes me totally 100% dependent on the Lord? Easy or hard? The strong Christian responds in faith and the weaker one, may respond w/ safe and dependable.
I can't find anywhere in Scripture where the Lord has called someone to do something and then left them to do everything on their own. Many times it doesn't look like they thought it would, but the Lord was there every step of the way. I find it funny, although I really shouldn't, that all of my devotional reading, scripture passages and even several sermons have been on taking leaps of faith and dealing w/ the Lord's call on my life. I know that He has a call on my life and now I am praying that I can move forward in faith and put fear behind me.
If you are in a similar position, I encourage you to dig into the Scripture and research passages on fear and see how the Lord speaks to you. Also, I would like you to feel free to send me messages via email, text or facebook and let me know how I can pray for you. The Lord didn't create us to walk through this world on our own. We are built for relationships and I think if we would truly be willing to walk w/ each other through the good and the bad, we would see a change in the church and I am pretty sure that relationships would be created and built that astonished even us.
All of this to say, and yes, it's a little scattered, that I pray that you and I would pray and work to overcome our battles w/ fear and watch the Lord does in and through us.
In looking through the Bible (using www.crosswalk.com) and looking up verses that contain the words fear or afraid, I was amazed at the number of verses talking about fear. Some talk about fear of others, some being afraid of something and many talking about the fear of the Lord. What I also found amazing, was that we are told over and over again to not be afraid and yet, it's a battle that I fight frequently. My fear is not crippling in the sense that I can't leave my home or interact w/ others, but it does often keep me from doing things the Lord has called me to do. This is a trait about myself that I honestly want to change. Sharing my dream out loud on FB and in a blog post caused a great deal of anxiety. Why? Because I am afraid of what people think? Yes. Because, I have no clue what this will all look like? Yes. Because I am afraid of failing? Yes. Fear keeps me from being who I should be in the Lord and prevents me from doing certain things b/c I am often to afraid to do them.
This past year has been interesting for me in my walk w/ the Lord. He has had me on a quest for authenticity as well as not being so fearful. Too many times we walk into church and put on what I like to call our "happy camper" faces. Things at home and work could be a total mess, but if asked our response is "I am so blessed." While we may truly be blessed there are days when we need to be able to share what is on our hearts and b/c of the fear of the reactions of others, we often keep things to ourselves. I do think that authenticity and fear go hand in hand. We are too afraid to be open and honest about what is on our hearts that people only see a portion of who we really are. We are too afraid to ask for people to pray for that things that hold us back from being all the Lord has called us to be and therefore sometimes struggle to move forward in life.
I'll be honest, I am so not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I never thought that in my mid 30's that I would be essentially starting over where work was concerned. In talking w/ a friend today, I told her that I am completely terrified of what the future holds and yet, at the very same time, I feel like I actually have some control and power over what will happen, if that makes any sense at all. I have not been completely happy on the work front for a couple of years, not that I have not made many wonderful friends along the way, but I have felt like there is more that I could be doing. I still have not heard back from the one company about a second round interview. Yes, I still think if they called me back for a second interview and then offered me the position, I would struggle w/ the answer. It would be easy to say yes and keep doing what I have been doing for the past six and a half years, but I would also struggle w/ knowing that my dreams are once again being put on hold. So, do I go forward w/ what is easy if the opportunity is presented or do I take the giant leap of faith, that makes me totally 100% dependent on the Lord? Easy or hard? The strong Christian responds in faith and the weaker one, may respond w/ safe and dependable.
I can't find anywhere in Scripture where the Lord has called someone to do something and then left them to do everything on their own. Many times it doesn't look like they thought it would, but the Lord was there every step of the way. I find it funny, although I really shouldn't, that all of my devotional reading, scripture passages and even several sermons have been on taking leaps of faith and dealing w/ the Lord's call on my life. I know that He has a call on my life and now I am praying that I can move forward in faith and put fear behind me.
If you are in a similar position, I encourage you to dig into the Scripture and research passages on fear and see how the Lord speaks to you. Also, I would like you to feel free to send me messages via email, text or facebook and let me know how I can pray for you. The Lord didn't create us to walk through this world on our own. We are built for relationships and I think if we would truly be willing to walk w/ each other through the good and the bad, we would see a change in the church and I am pretty sure that relationships would be created and built that astonished even us.
All of this to say, and yes, it's a little scattered, that I pray that you and I would pray and work to overcome our battles w/ fear and watch the Lord does in and through us.
Monday, June 24, 2013
My dream a reflection of my heart
First of all I would like to start off by saying a big THANK YOU to those of you who have prayed for me, sent me messages of support and thankful for a wonderful conversation w/ an old friend last night.
Many of you have asked what it is that I would like to do, so I am going to share my heart. I have no idea how any of this will look or how the Lord will lead in all of this, but I am open and ready to take a leap of faith.
It will be three years ago this fall since the thoughts and dreams entered my heart and it all started w/ Facebook. The fall of 2010 appeared to be a pretty rough time for the marriages of many friends on FB. I saw where husbands decided that they no longer desired to be husbands and fathers and women were bad mouthing and belittling their husbands. I have also watched parents bad mouth their children. It is a trend that has continued and one that makes my stomach lurch and heart ache every time I see those types of status updates. Don't get me wrong, none of us are perfect, our spouses and children are not perfect and I think venting and reaching out for advice on FB can be a positive, but there is a fine line between venting and putting down someone that we love. As I watched all of this unfold online a desire to work w/ wives and mother's to work on conflict resolution w/ in the home and work on improving marriages and families built up inside of me.
We now live in a world of Pinterest and we see pictures of "perfect" meals and "perfect" homes along w/ a wide assortment of arts, crafts and do it yourself projects. While there are many ladies gifted in this area, many of us are not and looking at all of this and friends' status updates and pictures, mommy guilt can set in and cause us doubt that we are good mothers. The truth is that even if we are not gifted in this area it does not make us terrible wives and mothers. I would like to work w/ mothers and assist them in discovering their God given talents and abilities and then assisting them in making their homes what the Lord intended them to be and not what we think that society thinks our homes should be.
I post all of this knowing that 1) I have only been married for 8 years, 2) My oldest child is only 4 years old and 3) I am not the most dynamic speaker out there. Chonda Pierce and Beth Moore, I will never be. Saying all of that I would love to participate in Women's Ministry Conferences, Women's Retreats, speak at Mother's groups and other groups as the Lord leads.
When the Lord lead me to SWBTS in the fall of 2003, my desire was to use counseling in a ministry setting and for the past six and a half years, I have been in a secular setting. Yes, I have learned a great deal about myself, was able to work on counseling skills, met many wonderful people and made some wonderful friends, but my heart has yearned for more. I would love to actually use Scripture and prayer into sessions and groups and let people meet The Counselor, who will do more for them than myself or any other person ever could.
As I type all of this I admit that I am scared to death of what this could be. I am scared of failing. Many of you who know me, know that I like safety, security and predictability. I like knowing that on set days of the month that X amount will be deposited into my checking account and knowing that our insurance is covered by the company and not coming 100% out of our pockets. Being married to one who is self-employed, I know that it can be feast or famine. At the same time I also acknowledge that the Lord has always provided and we have never gone w/out anything that we have needed. The thought of two of us being self-employed honestly scares me and this would be a huge leap of faith for me.
I also admit that I have NO clue as to how to even get started down this path. This is a dream that has really only been shared w/ a few people, so it's not something that people know about. I am praying that the Lord will use people reading this post and place people in my path to assist me in getting started on this journey.
Now that I have laid it all out there for others, I can only pray that the Lord would bless this dream and I pray that I will have the faith of a mustard seed to take this huge leap of faith. I also pray that if there are others of you have a dream that the Lord has placed in your heart, that you too will take the first step in verbalizing the dream and then take your leap of faith.
Many of you have asked what it is that I would like to do, so I am going to share my heart. I have no idea how any of this will look or how the Lord will lead in all of this, but I am open and ready to take a leap of faith.
It will be three years ago this fall since the thoughts and dreams entered my heart and it all started w/ Facebook. The fall of 2010 appeared to be a pretty rough time for the marriages of many friends on FB. I saw where husbands decided that they no longer desired to be husbands and fathers and women were bad mouthing and belittling their husbands. I have also watched parents bad mouth their children. It is a trend that has continued and one that makes my stomach lurch and heart ache every time I see those types of status updates. Don't get me wrong, none of us are perfect, our spouses and children are not perfect and I think venting and reaching out for advice on FB can be a positive, but there is a fine line between venting and putting down someone that we love. As I watched all of this unfold online a desire to work w/ wives and mother's to work on conflict resolution w/ in the home and work on improving marriages and families built up inside of me.
We now live in a world of Pinterest and we see pictures of "perfect" meals and "perfect" homes along w/ a wide assortment of arts, crafts and do it yourself projects. While there are many ladies gifted in this area, many of us are not and looking at all of this and friends' status updates and pictures, mommy guilt can set in and cause us doubt that we are good mothers. The truth is that even if we are not gifted in this area it does not make us terrible wives and mothers. I would like to work w/ mothers and assist them in discovering their God given talents and abilities and then assisting them in making their homes what the Lord intended them to be and not what we think that society thinks our homes should be.
I post all of this knowing that 1) I have only been married for 8 years, 2) My oldest child is only 4 years old and 3) I am not the most dynamic speaker out there. Chonda Pierce and Beth Moore, I will never be. Saying all of that I would love to participate in Women's Ministry Conferences, Women's Retreats, speak at Mother's groups and other groups as the Lord leads.
When the Lord lead me to SWBTS in the fall of 2003, my desire was to use counseling in a ministry setting and for the past six and a half years, I have been in a secular setting. Yes, I have learned a great deal about myself, was able to work on counseling skills, met many wonderful people and made some wonderful friends, but my heart has yearned for more. I would love to actually use Scripture and prayer into sessions and groups and let people meet The Counselor, who will do more for them than myself or any other person ever could.
As I type all of this I admit that I am scared to death of what this could be. I am scared of failing. Many of you who know me, know that I like safety, security and predictability. I like knowing that on set days of the month that X amount will be deposited into my checking account and knowing that our insurance is covered by the company and not coming 100% out of our pockets. Being married to one who is self-employed, I know that it can be feast or famine. At the same time I also acknowledge that the Lord has always provided and we have never gone w/out anything that we have needed. The thought of two of us being self-employed honestly scares me and this would be a huge leap of faith for me.
I also admit that I have NO clue as to how to even get started down this path. This is a dream that has really only been shared w/ a few people, so it's not something that people know about. I am praying that the Lord will use people reading this post and place people in my path to assist me in getting started on this journey.
Now that I have laid it all out there for others, I can only pray that the Lord would bless this dream and I pray that I will have the faith of a mustard seed to take this huge leap of faith. I also pray that if there are others of you have a dream that the Lord has placed in your heart, that you too will take the first step in verbalizing the dream and then take your leap of faith.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
What do we have to lose?
For the past several days I have been reading "What Women Fear: Walking in Faith That Transforms" by Angie Smith. In the school where I work there is a list of 5 things on every board in all of the classrooms, #2 is Tell Someone and #3 is Don't Fake it. Yes, I promise the two are connected, in my mind at least.
Angie's book talks about the things that many women walk around w/ inside of their heads b/c they are too afraid of letting anyone in on their secrets. Many times this has to do with what we as women are afraid of losing. I see the questions on the board as asking the same thing. Are we afraid of what people will think? Are we afraid of losing respect from our spouse or our friends? Are we afraid of losing our leadership position at church? The sad answer to all of those questions is a resounding "Yes!"
My question is "Why?" Why is it that we feel the need to walk into church with our heads held so high? Why are we so afraid of letting people in? Isn't church supposed to be the hospital for the weak? Most of the time when we walk into our respective churches and someone asks "How are you?" our response is "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord, we are so Blessed." (Insert thick southern accent). The sad thing is that there are days when this couldn't be farther from the truth, but out of fear of not appearing to be anything but super spiritual, we won't answer w/ anything but that type of response.
Let me give you an example from my own life a little over a month ago:
It was a Wednesday. The week was already headed in a bad direction and that day at work, anything that could go wrong did go wrong. I was late leaving school and when I came home all 3 kids were in meltdown mode. My husband and I had an argument over something, don't remember now, and money was tight and we had a huge bill to pay and not sure how we were going to pay it. Granted, Jan and Feb in our house is always tight just due to the nature of my husband's business. Anyway, he and I had an argument and then he had to leave for a random Wed night gig. At this point, I wanted to put all 3 kids in bed, grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's Fish Food, crawl into my own bed and watch Food Network until I fell asleep and then try again in the morning. Instead, I loaded the kids in the van, ran through the drive through at CFA, b/c we all know that CFA makes us smile and then headed on to church. There were no open spots in the fellowship hall so I set the kids up picnic style in the lobby area outside of the sanctuary. They were happily munching on their nuggets when a man walked up and asked me 1) If all of the kids were mine 2) Do they have the same father and 3) If I had any idea as to what causes this? Thankfully, I allowed the Lord to bite my tongue until he walked away. At this point, I wanted to sit there on the floor and cry, but I didn't. I cleaned up the kids and dropped them off at their classrooms and headed on up to dance and then on to choir. When people asked how I was or how things were going, I responded with "good, we're good."
Reality was that was bold face lie in church. What was I so afraid of? In honesty, part of it that we have only been at this church since August and I was not going to unload on a person that I didn't know that well and I also knew that if the tears started, they wouldn't have stopped. There are two women that I have come to have a great deal of respect for in the short time we have been there and I am pretty confident that I could have talked w/ either one of them that night and they would have listened and then prayed for me. The one would have cracked a joke and made me laugh. The point is, I was afraid of having anything on, but my "happy camper face."
I am not saying that we all have these days everyday or even every week, but why are we so afraid of letting people in? Now, don't hear me saying that we should walk around church like Eeyore, and complain about the cars cutting us off in traffic, hitting every red light to and from work, the cashier/ waiter/ waitress who had more attitude than needed, but there are times when we need to let others in and talk about what is going on inside of our heads.
My next question is do you have one or more people that you know well enough and are comfortable enough to get real w/ when it's needed? Having one or two very good, close friends is important. The Lord didn't create us to be alone. We were created for fellowship. Created for fellowship w/ Him and w/ others. I think there are times when in prayer we lie to the Lord. He's not dumb and He already knows what we are thinking and feeling, so we might as well fess up to Him if we won't to anyone else. There are times when we need to share our fears, doubts, envy, negative self-talk, etc... to others b/c to verbalize it and have someone to process it w/ is healthy. It may be that what you are struggling w/ needs more than a good heart to heart w/ a friend. It may be that you need to talk to someone more qualified. You may need the support of a good friend to take that first step and be w/ you when you make the call. Not everyone needs a counselor, but there are times when that may be what is needed.
All of this to lead to the ultimate question of "What do we have to lose?" If sharing your fears, doubt, envy, negative self-talk ends up costing you a friendship/ relationship, then that friendship/ relationship was not great from the start. In reality, we could end up costing ourselves an incredible walk w/ the Lord and in the end, that is the most important. I think, many times, we are our own biggest barrier to our relationships w/ Christ b/c the outward appearance of having it all together is more important that truly having it together in the eyes of the Lord. The great thing is that He is more than willing to meet us where we are. There is nothing that we can bring to Him that He can't handle. We serve a mighty and loving God, One who wants us to bring everything to Him.
When we come to a point where you know you need to share, but are afraid, here are a few verses on fear that I am learning and are becoming important to me on my own journey.
"The LORD is my light and salvation; whom then shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up." Proverbs 12:25
There are so many more verses on fear, but these are some that have jumped out at me personally.
As I close out this post, what are the fears or other thoughts that you have wanted to verbalize for so long, but are too afraid to share? Are you ready to stop carrying them around w/ you and move forward in your life and in your walk w/ Christ? I don't claim to have all of the answers and still struggle w/ these things myself, but I am ready to stop pretending. How wonderful would it be if we could walk into church tonight or Sunday and get real w/ each other and walk w/ each other and truly pray for and w/ each other? How different would our churches look? How much larger would our impact for Christ be?
Angie's book talks about the things that many women walk around w/ inside of their heads b/c they are too afraid of letting anyone in on their secrets. Many times this has to do with what we as women are afraid of losing. I see the questions on the board as asking the same thing. Are we afraid of what people will think? Are we afraid of losing respect from our spouse or our friends? Are we afraid of losing our leadership position at church? The sad answer to all of those questions is a resounding "Yes!"
My question is "Why?" Why is it that we feel the need to walk into church with our heads held so high? Why are we so afraid of letting people in? Isn't church supposed to be the hospital for the weak? Most of the time when we walk into our respective churches and someone asks "How are you?" our response is "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord, we are so Blessed." (Insert thick southern accent). The sad thing is that there are days when this couldn't be farther from the truth, but out of fear of not appearing to be anything but super spiritual, we won't answer w/ anything but that type of response.
Let me give you an example from my own life a little over a month ago:
It was a Wednesday. The week was already headed in a bad direction and that day at work, anything that could go wrong did go wrong. I was late leaving school and when I came home all 3 kids were in meltdown mode. My husband and I had an argument over something, don't remember now, and money was tight and we had a huge bill to pay and not sure how we were going to pay it. Granted, Jan and Feb in our house is always tight just due to the nature of my husband's business. Anyway, he and I had an argument and then he had to leave for a random Wed night gig. At this point, I wanted to put all 3 kids in bed, grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's Fish Food, crawl into my own bed and watch Food Network until I fell asleep and then try again in the morning. Instead, I loaded the kids in the van, ran through the drive through at CFA, b/c we all know that CFA makes us smile and then headed on to church. There were no open spots in the fellowship hall so I set the kids up picnic style in the lobby area outside of the sanctuary. They were happily munching on their nuggets when a man walked up and asked me 1) If all of the kids were mine 2) Do they have the same father and 3) If I had any idea as to what causes this? Thankfully, I allowed the Lord to bite my tongue until he walked away. At this point, I wanted to sit there on the floor and cry, but I didn't. I cleaned up the kids and dropped them off at their classrooms and headed on up to dance and then on to choir. When people asked how I was or how things were going, I responded with "good, we're good."
Reality was that was bold face lie in church. What was I so afraid of? In honesty, part of it that we have only been at this church since August and I was not going to unload on a person that I didn't know that well and I also knew that if the tears started, they wouldn't have stopped. There are two women that I have come to have a great deal of respect for in the short time we have been there and I am pretty confident that I could have talked w/ either one of them that night and they would have listened and then prayed for me. The one would have cracked a joke and made me laugh. The point is, I was afraid of having anything on, but my "happy camper face."
I am not saying that we all have these days everyday or even every week, but why are we so afraid of letting people in? Now, don't hear me saying that we should walk around church like Eeyore, and complain about the cars cutting us off in traffic, hitting every red light to and from work, the cashier/ waiter/ waitress who had more attitude than needed, but there are times when we need to let others in and talk about what is going on inside of our heads.
My next question is do you have one or more people that you know well enough and are comfortable enough to get real w/ when it's needed? Having one or two very good, close friends is important. The Lord didn't create us to be alone. We were created for fellowship. Created for fellowship w/ Him and w/ others. I think there are times when in prayer we lie to the Lord. He's not dumb and He already knows what we are thinking and feeling, so we might as well fess up to Him if we won't to anyone else. There are times when we need to share our fears, doubts, envy, negative self-talk, etc... to others b/c to verbalize it and have someone to process it w/ is healthy. It may be that what you are struggling w/ needs more than a good heart to heart w/ a friend. It may be that you need to talk to someone more qualified. You may need the support of a good friend to take that first step and be w/ you when you make the call. Not everyone needs a counselor, but there are times when that may be what is needed.
All of this to lead to the ultimate question of "What do we have to lose?" If sharing your fears, doubt, envy, negative self-talk ends up costing you a friendship/ relationship, then that friendship/ relationship was not great from the start. In reality, we could end up costing ourselves an incredible walk w/ the Lord and in the end, that is the most important. I think, many times, we are our own biggest barrier to our relationships w/ Christ b/c the outward appearance of having it all together is more important that truly having it together in the eyes of the Lord. The great thing is that He is more than willing to meet us where we are. There is nothing that we can bring to Him that He can't handle. We serve a mighty and loving God, One who wants us to bring everything to Him.
When we come to a point where you know you need to share, but are afraid, here are a few verses on fear that I am learning and are becoming important to me on my own journey.
"The LORD is my light and salvation; whom then shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up." Proverbs 12:25
There are so many more verses on fear, but these are some that have jumped out at me personally.
As I close out this post, what are the fears or other thoughts that you have wanted to verbalize for so long, but are too afraid to share? Are you ready to stop carrying them around w/ you and move forward in your life and in your walk w/ Christ? I don't claim to have all of the answers and still struggle w/ these things myself, but I am ready to stop pretending. How wonderful would it be if we could walk into church tonight or Sunday and get real w/ each other and walk w/ each other and truly pray for and w/ each other? How different would our churches look? How much larger would our impact for Christ be?
Monday, February 18, 2013
Introduction
Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is this person? Is she real at all?
The Lord has me on a journey. It's one that has me scared and excited all at the same time. Who am I really? What kind of wife am I? What kind of mother am I? What kind of friend am I? What kind of therapist am I? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror and who do others think me to be?
For a while now, I have been unsettled in who I am. For so long, I have put on so many faces and played so many characters that I have lost who I am in Christ. He has called me to be a wife, a mother, a friend and a therapist, but at the core, I have lost sight of me and have hidden several parts of me that I would rather not face.
I find it amazing that the Lord will continue to place you in situations where you have to deal with certain issues. It seems in the past year, every time I turn around, there are three issues I have been confronted with in sermons, conferences and my own person quiet times and they are authenticity, fear and faith. The truth is, I like to appear strong. I fear more than I should and I often lack faith and don't believe the Lord will do what He says He will do, even though He has proven Himself time and time again. Not sure where this journey will lead, but I know that it's one that I must walk, if I have any desire to answer any of the above questions and move forward on my journey with the Lord.
I can promise you that I will do my best to be real. I also promise you that I am not a great writer, but what you read will be who I am and more importantly, I pray that it reflects WHOSE I am.
The Lord has me on a journey. It's one that has me scared and excited all at the same time. Who am I really? What kind of wife am I? What kind of mother am I? What kind of friend am I? What kind of therapist am I? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror and who do others think me to be?
For a while now, I have been unsettled in who I am. For so long, I have put on so many faces and played so many characters that I have lost who I am in Christ. He has called me to be a wife, a mother, a friend and a therapist, but at the core, I have lost sight of me and have hidden several parts of me that I would rather not face.
I find it amazing that the Lord will continue to place you in situations where you have to deal with certain issues. It seems in the past year, every time I turn around, there are three issues I have been confronted with in sermons, conferences and my own person quiet times and they are authenticity, fear and faith. The truth is, I like to appear strong. I fear more than I should and I often lack faith and don't believe the Lord will do what He says He will do, even though He has proven Himself time and time again. Not sure where this journey will lead, but I know that it's one that I must walk, if I have any desire to answer any of the above questions and move forward on my journey with the Lord.
I can promise you that I will do my best to be real. I also promise you that I am not a great writer, but what you read will be who I am and more importantly, I pray that it reflects WHOSE I am.
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