Working Wife vs House Wife

Ok, so I'm not really going to debate which is better because, I feel the Lord calls us to different things at different times in our lives and I don't feel that any one is really better than the other given your circumstances. That being said, this is a struggle for me because I have worked full time since I graduated from college and had worked at least part time prior to that.

Since all of this started back in May, I have heard more than once that it is not my job as a wife to provide for my family. While I understand the Biblical concept, it's honestly hard for me to accept. There is a verse that my wonderful, godly husband takes to heart and it is: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). As a wife, this makes me swell with pride that I have a husband who takes his role as provider seriously and seeks to honor the Lord as he leads our family, but what is my responsibility?

My struggle comes in when I see the balance in the check book and our savings account and feel like I should be working to help my husband bring in income and help provide for our family. I'll be honest in that the Lord has provided for all of our needs since we prayed and came to the decision that I was coming home at least for the time being, but I feel like I should be doing more. Yes, this is probably more of an issue of fear than anything else, but I worry about our bills and making sure that our needs are provided for. ALL of our bills have been paid and we are not in danger of losing anything at this point and for that I am thankful. I also hate to see the look on my husband's face when he is balancing the checkbook.

All of this to say, I still struggle with whether or not I need to seek out at least some sort of part time job and even with that would it be complete disobedience for me, in this moment to seek out work? There is a ministry desire that has been growing inside of me for several years and I honestly pray the Lord will open doors and allow me to start speaking at least once a month and bring in some income through those speaking engagements. I am also hoping to teach a short term ladies' Bible study through our church later on in the fall and know that even if that is the door the Lord opens, that I am still walking in obedience.

Walking in obedience even when there is fear is difficult. I desire to live a life without fear and in complete and total obedience to the Lord. If you know me well, then you know that I thrive when I know there is security. Right now, my husband and I are walking in complete and total faith and reliance on the Lord. Yes, this is what we should always do, but I kind of like to "take control" when I can because I fear the unknown.. The next several months or even upcoming year will be a test of my faith and a time of growth for me. I can only hope and pray that at the end of this chapter I can look back and know the Lord was pleased with how I handled each situation presented and that I responded in faith instead of out of fear.

New Year for the Kids.

Today, my kids started their new school year and I almost made it out of the building without any tears, but when I went to say goodbye to my daughter, I lost that battle. I love my kids and am thankful that they are healthy and growing, but I would like to slow time down just a little bit.

My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.

My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.

Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.

In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.

My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.

Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.

Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.

My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.

My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.

Changes and Challenges

Change is never easy and challenges arise even when the change is desired and that is where I currently find myself. Coming home was a decision that my husband and I prayed about and felt that the Lord was leading in that direction and has shown us in several ways that we have made the correct choice. That being said, I am now trying to figure out who I am and where do I go from here?

I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.

My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.

I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.

When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.

I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.

Aug 1st and a Mixed Ball of Emotions.

It's Aug 1st and I will be honest, that I felt a little lost when I woke up this morning. Typically, today would have my alarm going off around 5:30a and me heading out the door a little before 7:00a, attempting to eat breakfast while choking back tears and the overwhelming feelings of mommy guilt. I would pull into the parking lot, give myself a little pep talk, telling myself that the kids are in great hands with their father and there are little people in this school that I need to help. I would look in the mirror to make sure my face wasn't too blotchy, put on my happy camper face and walk into the school ready to face a new year.

This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.

I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.

I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.