This post is for the ladies. Yes, guys, your friendships are important, but this is post is to address some issues within female relationships.
When I look at the ladies in my circle, I find myself looking at them in layers kind of like an onion. In the very inner circle there are only two. In the layer beyond that there are four. Beyond that, I start putting ladies from church and other areas of my life in the outer layers. Honestly, I don't have a wide circle of close friends. I get along with most people, but there aren't many that I share my life with on a regular basis.
In the group of six, personalities differ. Some are married and some are single. All have at least college degrees and some hold higher degrees. All love the Lord and seek to serve Him using their specific talents and abilities. There are two that will I can count on to call a spade a spade and won't spare any punches when we talk. These are two that I can count on to tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. A third one comes pretty close to fitting into that category, but she sometimes holds back. The other three are amazing cheerleaders. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, these are the six that I know I can count on and will pray for me and with me when needed. I have known some of these ladies since college, others I met when I moved to Nashville and the last part of the crew I met in seminary out in TX. These are friendships that mean the world to me and I can't imagine my life without this group of ladies.
Beyond this group, I have been blessed with some amazing friends at our church. In August we will only have been at our church for two years, so these are relatively new relationships and I can see them moving into the third ring of my world quickly. In my journey to live a healthier lifestyle, there are two ladies who have cheered me on and encouraged me when I have become discouraged and frustrated. They have also set challenges before me and cheered me on when I met and succeeded those challenges. There is another lady, who just makes me laugh. and all of us are a part of one of the ministries within our church, so there is corporate worship among the four of us on an almost weekly basis. There is another lady from church that has been a great source of encouragement for me over the past year. She also seems have an extra line straight to the Lord's ear. Through out the transition that my family has been in the past year, she has probably encouraged me the most in my walk with the Lord.
Why do I share all of this? I am guessing that many of you reading this could probably name those best girlfriends in your inner most circle and the layers beyond that. These friends are a true blessing from the Lord and have been placed in our lives and us in theirs for a reason. These are the friends that we look forward to hanging out with whether it be a girls' night out or just vegging out and talking. These are the ones you can go long periods of time without seeing and yet, when you finally catch up, it's like you have never missed a second together. Even with all of this, these are very ladies we spend time comparing ourselves to and even at times feel like we are in competition with them. At times, it's almost like we have a love hate relationship with them.
In my own circle, there are times when I feel inferior and feel like if I were more like them, then I would be a better wife, mother or friend. Even though none of the ladies in any my circles, play into the mommy wars, I would be willing to bet they could hold their own if they ever had to compete and I would pit some of them to take home the crown.
Why can we as ladies, not be content to be ourselves and not feel the need to compare and compete with each other? I am pretty sure there is some gene within us that causes us to be this way. The very ladies we love are the very ones we spend the most time comparing ourselves to, which in turn causes us to build walls, therefore causing us to miss out on the very best part of our friendships.
We spend so much time with these ladies and yet we keep a part of ourselves from them. There are parts that we are open and share freely and then there are parts which we keep locked and hidden away because we are afraid of what they may think about us. We are afraid of being turned away and rejected. It is easier to play off certain things as fine, rather than allow our closest friends in and experience freedom.
Freedom? Freedom from what or to what? Freedom from isolation. Freedom to be our true selves, if we even know who that is at this point in the game. Freedom to not hide behind our masks. Freedom to release ourselves from fear and shame. I would also go so far to say that we would probably even experience more freedom in our relationships with the Lord because we keep no secrets to ourselves and keep no parts of ourselves hidden away. Issues can be resolved and obstacles overcome with these ladies by our side.
In a world of the Pinerest Mom and Mommy wars, we really need to rally and join forces to do away with both. No, I am not saying that crafty moms need to be taken out, but we need to not feel that we are in competition with others. We need to support one another, instead of judging and looking down our noses at one another. There is no perfect wife or mother. There is no perfect friend. We all have different talents and skill sets. Guess what? That is exactly how the Lord planned it and created us! Instead of comparing ourselves to our friends, celebrate your differences and encourage other in those areas.
Also, I challenge you to take a deep look into your own lives and examine what kind of friend you are as well as how open you are with your friends. Do you think your friends feel like you would be there for them no matter what they said? Do they feel like they can share things with you without being judged?
Also, as you think about this post, think about this in the realm of women's ministries across the country. So many times we go to an event and we hear about the woman at the well and the Proverbs 31 woman. Then, there is time spent talking about keeping house, beauty, crafts, etc... Not that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but what if we spent time exploring and encouraging each other to be real, to shed the masks and let our true selves shine through? What if we actually encouraged each other to share our struggles and were willing to get down and dirty and lift our sisters out of the holes that so many have dug themselves? What if we spent more time talking about authenticity than creating the perfect home? What if we encouraged each other to truly dig through the scriptures to seek out the answers to so many of life's questions? What would happen if we did away with so much of the fluff and spent more time chewing on good and hearty meat?
What if we totally redefined what it means to be a godly woman? No, I am not saying that we do away with biblical definition or roles of women, but I am saying let's stop pretending to be meek and mild when we know that we are so much more? Let's face it, the Lord created some of us to be feisty and outspoken and He created so many of our friends that way as well. How would ministries within the church change if we were more authentic and allowed those around us to be more authentic?
None of this can happen if we are not honest with ourselves about our strengths and weaknesses, nor can it happen if we are not open with the ladies in our circle of friends. Friendships are important in growing not only as a person, but in our spiritual walks as well. It's time to put aside our pride, allow others in, allow the Lord to use our friends to speak in and through our lives to live our lives and serve the Lord to the fullest.
I encourage you to pick up the phone and call or text your closest circle and talk, I mean really talk. Have conversations with them that you have not had in a good long while or maybe even ever. Get real with each other, encourage each other and then pray with each other. After you have done that a couple of times, start those types of conversations with the ladies in your church. If I were a betting person, I would be willing to bet that the Lord would start to use you and the ladies in your church to impact certain ministries within your church and then start to move that impact beyond the four walls of your church and into your places of work and further out into your communities.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Congruent from the Inside Out
Me: "Sometimes that is so much easier said than done."
Her: "I agree. but if we remind ourselves and keep striving it will become a little easier....and we need other women in our life to also remind and challenge us!"
Me: "This response to the picture and your statement could fill a book. The part about needing other women in our lives encourage and challenge us is probably one of the biggest issues. We live in a society of the Pinterest Mom and mommy wars. There is an expectation on how a woman should look and act. For me personally and several others I know, there is often a conflict b/w the inward and the outward. If most women were honest, I would even go so far as to guess there is often a major contradiction b/w what is presented to the rest of the world and what is going on w/ the inner self. I think part of this comes from the fact that we don't allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable to other women out of fear of not measuring up and seeming weak. Most women will share some of the surface level stuff, but won't let anyone in to the very core. Also, I don't always think there is permission from other women to be that open and honest. It is easier to walk around w/ a mask on than it is to share the struggles of the heart."
Her: "So true and your comment about permission from other women to be that open and honest- is true but I think its out of guilt and fear....wow! lots to think about with your comment...."
Congruent:
mathematics : having the same size and shape
: matching or in agreement with something
So.... Yep, not easy. There are parts of my life that I am an open book and then there are others, I keep shut, locked up so tight that they will never see the light of day. I am guessing that if most of you are honest with yourselves, then you will admit that you are the same way. My question is why? What are we so afraid of? Why can't we be honest with ourselves and with each other?
My friend hit the nail on the head. "Guilt and Fear." We feel guilty for feeling the way we do. We are afraid of what others will think if we actually share our thoughts and feelings out loud. I get it, really I do, because I am just as guilty as the next person, but this is not what we are told to do in scripture:
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful." James 5:16
"1 Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you won't be tempted also. 2 Carry one another's burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself. 4 But each person should examine his own work, and then he will have a reason for boasting in himself alone, and not in respect to someone else. 5 For each person will have to carry his own load. 6 The one who is taught the message must share his goods with the teacher. 7 Don't be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows he will also reap." Galatians6:1-7
I understand that not everything we keep locked up inside is a sin, but at the same time, it does keep us from feeling complete and total peace. It keeps us from truly connecting with those we love the most. Holding in many of these thoughts and feelings prevent us from knowing true freedom. It brings about the possibility of holding ourselves back and prevents us from moving forward. On the outside everything looks great, but there are certain places on the inside that we may be a complete and total mess.
Going back to my second statement and exploring relationships with those around us, no wonder we run from the very thing that we need to do. We all have a couple of friends who have been through it all with us. They have rejoiced with us in our triumphs. They have allowed us to cry on their shoulders in our lowest moments, and yet, there is a part of us that we still refuse to share. Our friends have proven they have staying power and that they can carry just about anything that life throws at us and yet, we remain silent.
On the outside, we look amazing! We look like we have it all together. We are involved in various ministries within the church. Our marriages look pretty good. Our kids are pretty well behaved. We have perfected the art of answering "I am so blessed." We have taken notes from our theater days and can turn the stressful look into a happy one in an instant as soon as we step out of our cars on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. There are so many times we sit and listen to sermons and feel like the pastor has x-ray vision and can straight through us. During the invitation we want to run and cry at the altar, but yet, we stand calmly in our pews with our feet cemented to the ground. We don't dare give away the fact that we feel like a mess on the inside.
So many times we think we can deal with things on our own. We think that we don't need another person to help us shoulder whatever it is that we are dealing with. We become prideful even in the midst of our darkest hour and in the midst of our greatest pain. We are afraid of being looked down upon by others. We are afraid that we don't measure up to those around us. Failure. Who wants to feel like a failure? None of us do. Not one person thrives on the feelings of not measuring up. In my last blog, I shared the struggles of the previous year and no, I didn't say a word to those in my inner circle. I was too full of pride to let even them in. I hate feeling like a failure and feeling like I don't measure up to those around me.
Sometimes, it is pride and other times, we are afraid of what others may think. We live in a society of the Pinterest Mom and the ever troubling Mommy Wars. We all know her, that one mother who seems to be perfect. Her house is perfect. Her wardrobe is perfect. Her children are perfect and at church, she has her hands in everything and never seems to break a sweat. Then here we come in yoga pants, a baggy t-shirt and our kids look a hot mess. We laugh off our appearance and pray that no other mother, especially that mother even begins to have a clue about what is going on inside our hearts and minds.
Letting other women in? Really? That is so much easier said than done. Many of us are surrounded by an incredible group of godly women, but we tend to keep walls up and prevent even our inner circle in. Just think about though. How much better would we all be, if we actually let others in? What if actually bore one another's burdens? What if we were willing to let down our guards and let others walk with us through whatever it is we may be dealing with? What if we were honest about hopes and dreams? What if we shared our failures and our struggles?
If churches are a hospital for sinners and not a country club for saints, why do we hold everything in? Church should be the one place we can be ourselves and lay our burdens at the altar. I do think there should be boundaries when we share. I don't think we need to share our inner most thoughts and feelings with everyone we come in contact with. There is a time and a place to share, but the point is that we need to share. We need to let others in and church should be that place.
I realize that I have posed more questions than answers in this post, but this is something I have been thinking about long before my friend posted this picture. Since she posted, it is something I have thought about almost every day. Confession: After my last blog post, a friend from my inner circle sent me a text because she had no clue that any of that was going on and called me out on my pride. Yes, she has been a friend long enough that she has earned the right to do so. Again, I am pretty sure that most of us need to confess our pride and let down our guard with those we love and trust the most. We need to give them permission to decide what is too much for them to hear and give them permission to speak into our lives the way only those closest to use can. We also need to be willing to do the same for them.
All this being said, there are times when our inner circle is only the place to start. There are certain situations in which a therapist is needed. There are times when our friends are not qualified to walk us through certain things. If the thing you are dealing with the most is a mental health issues, then I implore you to please seek out a trained therapist.
In the meantime, hold a mirror up to your heart and be honest with yourself about what areas you keep locked and hidden from those closest to you. Are these areas in which you may need confess your pride? Are there areas in which you need to let certain people in? Think about it. Pray about it and then do whatever it is that you need to do.
Once the inside has been cleaned out, then the inside will actually start to look like the outside. What an amazing freeing thought!
"1 Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you won't be tempted also. 2 Carry one another's burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself. 4 But each person should examine his own work, and then he will have a reason for boasting in himself alone, and not in respect to someone else. 5 For each person will have to carry his own load. 6 The one who is taught the message must share his goods with the teacher. 7 Don't be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows he will also reap." Galatians6:1-7
I understand that not everything we keep locked up inside is a sin, but at the same time, it does keep us from feeling complete and total peace. It keeps us from truly connecting with those we love the most. Holding in many of these thoughts and feelings prevent us from knowing true freedom. It brings about the possibility of holding ourselves back and prevents us from moving forward. On the outside everything looks great, but there are certain places on the inside that we may be a complete and total mess.
Going back to my second statement and exploring relationships with those around us, no wonder we run from the very thing that we need to do. We all have a couple of friends who have been through it all with us. They have rejoiced with us in our triumphs. They have allowed us to cry on their shoulders in our lowest moments, and yet, there is a part of us that we still refuse to share. Our friends have proven they have staying power and that they can carry just about anything that life throws at us and yet, we remain silent.
On the outside, we look amazing! We look like we have it all together. We are involved in various ministries within the church. Our marriages look pretty good. Our kids are pretty well behaved. We have perfected the art of answering "I am so blessed." We have taken notes from our theater days and can turn the stressful look into a happy one in an instant as soon as we step out of our cars on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. There are so many times we sit and listen to sermons and feel like the pastor has x-ray vision and can straight through us. During the invitation we want to run and cry at the altar, but yet, we stand calmly in our pews with our feet cemented to the ground. We don't dare give away the fact that we feel like a mess on the inside.
So many times we think we can deal with things on our own. We think that we don't need another person to help us shoulder whatever it is that we are dealing with. We become prideful even in the midst of our darkest hour and in the midst of our greatest pain. We are afraid of being looked down upon by others. We are afraid that we don't measure up to those around us. Failure. Who wants to feel like a failure? None of us do. Not one person thrives on the feelings of not measuring up. In my last blog, I shared the struggles of the previous year and no, I didn't say a word to those in my inner circle. I was too full of pride to let even them in. I hate feeling like a failure and feeling like I don't measure up to those around me.
Sometimes, it is pride and other times, we are afraid of what others may think. We live in a society of the Pinterest Mom and the ever troubling Mommy Wars. We all know her, that one mother who seems to be perfect. Her house is perfect. Her wardrobe is perfect. Her children are perfect and at church, she has her hands in everything and never seems to break a sweat. Then here we come in yoga pants, a baggy t-shirt and our kids look a hot mess. We laugh off our appearance and pray that no other mother, especially that mother even begins to have a clue about what is going on inside our hearts and minds.
Letting other women in? Really? That is so much easier said than done. Many of us are surrounded by an incredible group of godly women, but we tend to keep walls up and prevent even our inner circle in. Just think about though. How much better would we all be, if we actually let others in? What if actually bore one another's burdens? What if we were willing to let down our guards and let others walk with us through whatever it is we may be dealing with? What if we were honest about hopes and dreams? What if we shared our failures and our struggles?
If churches are a hospital for sinners and not a country club for saints, why do we hold everything in? Church should be the one place we can be ourselves and lay our burdens at the altar. I do think there should be boundaries when we share. I don't think we need to share our inner most thoughts and feelings with everyone we come in contact with. There is a time and a place to share, but the point is that we need to share. We need to let others in and church should be that place.
I realize that I have posed more questions than answers in this post, but this is something I have been thinking about long before my friend posted this picture. Since she posted, it is something I have thought about almost every day. Confession: After my last blog post, a friend from my inner circle sent me a text because she had no clue that any of that was going on and called me out on my pride. Yes, she has been a friend long enough that she has earned the right to do so. Again, I am pretty sure that most of us need to confess our pride and let down our guard with those we love and trust the most. We need to give them permission to decide what is too much for them to hear and give them permission to speak into our lives the way only those closest to use can. We also need to be willing to do the same for them.
All this being said, there are times when our inner circle is only the place to start. There are certain situations in which a therapist is needed. There are times when our friends are not qualified to walk us through certain things. If the thing you are dealing with the most is a mental health issues, then I implore you to please seek out a trained therapist.
In the meantime, hold a mirror up to your heart and be honest with yourself about what areas you keep locked and hidden from those closest to you. Are these areas in which you may need confess your pride? Are there areas in which you need to let certain people in? Think about it. Pray about it and then do whatever it is that you need to do.
Once the inside has been cleaned out, then the inside will actually start to look like the outside. What an amazing freeing thought!
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