Most people don't realize that my family has deep Catholic and Episcopalian roots. It is a long story as to how we ended up Southern Baptist and why I chose to stay Southern Baptist as an adult, but I guess there is a part of my family heritage that seems to flow a little harder through my veins this time of year. There are many things that I LOVE about being Southern Baptist and then there are things that I just don't feel that we get quite right and the season of Lent is one of them.
Don't get me wrong, Easter is absolutely important and the very basis of our beliefs on salvation and we believe without Easter weekend, there would be no way to have eternal salvation. We believe that Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and died. He was buried and then He ROSE three days later and ascended into Heaven. Because of His sacrifice and resurrection, once we accept Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we can be saved and live for eternity in Heaven with Him.
Romans 5:8
8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Back to Lent. As a child in a Southern Baptist Church, the season of Lent was not observed and it wasn't until college that I made the personal choice to start observing Lent. For me personally, it was taking time to reflect on what Easter really means. Yes, there are things that I choose to give up for the season of Lent, but it pails in comparison the sacrifice that Christ made for me. Also, I don't take breaks from my "sacrifice" on Sundays and I follow through until Easter Sunday.
In years past, I have always given up cokes and sweet tea and some years chocolate, but since none of that is a part of my daily diet, I don't feel like it is appropriate to choose those things this year. It was a struggle to choose what I would be giving up this year and the Lord reminded me of the journey He has had me on since Sept. The Bible talks about our bodies being a temple and that is an area in which I have struggled:
I Corinthians 6:19-20
19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
20
you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Over the past several years, I have greatly neglected my "temple" and made several negative choices where my body is concerned. While I have made great progress, I am not where I would like to be and what better time to focus on this than the season of Lent?
For Lent this year, I will be once again going a clean eating challenge and this is what that looks like:
1) Drinking only water. No milk, tea, juice, smoothies, etc...
2) Eating plenty of fresh fruits and veggies.
3) Eating only lean meats, like turkey, chicken and shrimp as long as they are grilled or broiled. No steak, other types of beef or pork.
4) No desserts or sweets.
Since I am training for 2 different 5Ks, I also plan to walk/ jog 10-15 miles per week.
I encourage you to take the time and find out what it means to observe Lent and then pray about whether or not you should participate. This does not have to be something legalistic in nature, but one that helps you reflect on the season of Lent and what Easter means to you and your salvation.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
My Journey to a Healthy Lifestyle
I am going to be extremely transparent in this post and all I ask is that if you choose to read it, that you will read it w/ an open mind and not post any judgmental comments and realize how hard it is for me to share this.
Many people have asked me "What are you doing to lose weight?" Since it's been a while since I have had a blog post, I thought this would be a great first post for 2014.
This journey has been anything but easy and many times I wanted to give up, pull out the junk food and the sweats. Thankfully, I have had an amazing support system on this journey. I would list names, but I am afraid that I would unintentionally leave out a name.
Let's go back to Aug of 2012. I was in a school that I loved and while there were definitely some stressors, I was in a good place and started to make some changes and I saw some weight loss. As it came closer to the end of the first semester things got a little more stressful and I stopped much of what I had been doing and the weight started to slowly come back on. Fast forward to the spring and my stress level was extremely high and my intake of ice cream and chips greatly increased. Let me just admit to you now, that I tend to be an emotional eater and yes, as a therapist, I know better. In May when everything hit the roof and I turned in my resignation, Ben and Jerry's and Doritos became my best friend and I ate what I wanted w/ out stopping to think about what I was doing to myself.
Last summer was probably one of the hardest summers I have faced in a long time. My self-esteem had taken a nose dive. I am a type A personality and failure is not an option and with all that took place in May, I felt exactly like that, a failure. I put on my happy camper face and moved through the summer like everything was fine, but it was anything but.
Over Labor Day weekend I went w/ my mother and my daughter on a girls' weekend to Gatlinburg. It did my soul some good to go to my "happy place" and get out of Nashville for a couple of days, especially since it didn't work out for me and my family to head to MI for our annual 4th of July trip. On this trip I can honestly say that I relaxed and started to feel a little more like myself. That Sunday we went to the Ripley's Aquarium and had a picture taken just on the other side of the long shark tunnel. When we got the picture back, I was horrified at how I looked. That was the first time in a while that I had seen a full body picture of myself and it was a wake-up call.
When we returned home, I made the decision to give up Coke and Dr. Pepper and to start drinking only water. This helped a little bit and I watched the scale until just after my birthday in Oct and that point I realized I needed to make some major changes. Back in 2012, I had joined Spark People and decided to go back and start up w/ them again and I am so glad that I did.
On Oct 11th, I started a 30 day challenge in which, I drank only water, ate only lean meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and had NO sweets. I also worked out for a minimum of 30 mins a day, 5 days a week. The no sweets part was extremely difficult, but w/ much prayer and support I made it through the 30 days.
At this point, making healthy choices was easier b/c I had made it a habit. I have nothing but positive things to say about Spark People! It can be a little time consuming b/c I have to track everything I eat as well as everything I do in my workouts daily. The other wonderful thing is that Spark People is about educating it's members and they believe in helping people make a lifestyle change, rather than just going on a diet. A diet has a start and end point, but a lifestyle change has a starting point, but no ending point. There are no drinks, shakes, pills or special meals. It's all about learning how to shop, cook, make healthy choices when eating out as well as learning what to do when you are working out.
At this point, I still struggle w/ telling myself that certain foods are "bad," b/c I know that eating an actual serving of one of those foods won't undo all of my work. It has been a challenge to change my mindset. I shared earlier in the post that I gave up cokes and by Christmas, I really wanted one, so I decided that one coke w/ Christmas lunch was fine. My wonderful hubby made sure that there was one in the fridge for me. We sat down to lunch on Christmas Day and I poured the coke over a large glass of ice and took that first sip. Honestly, it wasn't that great and it tasted a little weird. I had also allowed myself to eat low mein, an eggroll and crab ragoon the night before, along w/ pigs in a blanket that morning for breakfast. Yep, my body totally revolted. I was shocked at how a couple of months of clean eating would cause such a revolt from my body. Honestly, now that I know how my body will react, I don't really crave those things too much at this point. I have also learned how to make healthier versions of some of my favorite foods and that way I don't feel deprived.
Through all of this, I had the privilege of starting to take a ballet class on Friday mornings, along w/ continuing to dance on Wed nights at church. At first, the ballet classes were frustrating b/c I knew what I had been capable of doing in the past and I couldn't do it any more. Our ballet instructor is wonderful and patient. He does not become frustrated when I or one of the other ladies makes a mistake. He laughs w/ us, gives us tips on ways to correct the issue and shares stories about his mistakes. On Wed nights, our wonderful leader is also patient and never shows any frustration when anyone makes a mistake. Overall, the ladies in both groups are wonderful and encouraging. Now that I am several months into the lifestyle change, I feel more confident on Wed nights and Fri mornings. My technique is still far from perfect and there are still some moves that I struggle w/, but it is slowly starting to come back.
The wonderful thing from my Wed night group is that I had some cheerleaders emerge that I never expected. When I would hit a plateau or get frustrated, I had a group cheering me on and helping me over the hurdles. Even now that I am so close to my goal, these ladies are still cheering me on and encouraging me. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to put these wonderful ladies in my life!
I have to take time to talk about my wonderful hubby. He has definitely been my biggest cheerleader through it all. He has tolerated the food "makeover" in the house and told me from day that he thinks I am beautiful, even when I felt like anything but. He doesn't get angry when he suggests something for dinner and I tell him "it's not on my plan." My hubby has made sure that I have had the time I needed to get in my workouts, even if that means he sits upstairs with the kids during nap time instead of working in his office, so I could be in the basement. When you have a supportive hubby, it really does make all the difference in the world.
As of last Sat, I have lost 31.6 lbs and am now down to my last 10 lbs. I have not taken any more measurements, so I can't state how many inches I have lost at this point. I have dropped 3 pant sizes and 2 sizes in shirts. I shared on FB that I had a Kohl's gift card and ended up purchasing a pair of pants in a size that I have not seen in almost 10 yrs.
I now have more energy to keep up w/ my kids and keep up w/ things that I need to do around the house. I don't dread looking in the mirror or having my picture taken. The Lord opened a door for me to work a small contract position w/ in my church for a few hours a week and I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now than I was last summer. Some days are still hard and cause me to want to head out and pick up my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry's or a bag of Doritos, but I know that it won't help and that it will only open the door to start heading back in the wrong direction and instead I pray or work out.
The one thing I hope anyone takes away from reading this, is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The weight didn't come on over night and it won't come off over night. Find a support system. Some of those people will come from your inner circle and some will come from places you never expected. Take it one day at a time. If you look at how far you still have to go, it will only discourage you. Look at the small steps you have taken and be proud of what you have accomplished. Know that in the end it will all be worth it. Plateaus happen! Don't give up. Look at what you are doing and then evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. This is about getting healthy and not getting to a number on the scale or getting into a certain size in jeans. Yes, having goals is important, but looking at the overall picture and getting to a place where you feel healthy and feel good about yourself is important. The last thing is find verses, passages of scripture to help you along the way and definitely make sure prayer is a part of this journey. The Lord does care and sometimes the only way to make it through a work out or walking past the ice cream in the grocery store is through prayer.
Check out Spark People if you are looking for a place to start. It is 100% free and you set your own goals or have the choice to join group goals. I am a huge fan and would highly recommend it to anyone. The message boards are full of supportive people and there is even a place to post and get a response directly from a Spark Coach.
http://sparkpeople.com/
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, or if you just need some encouragement to get started, I am here.
Praying blessings over all of you and that the Lord will allow 2014 to be an incredible year.
Many people have asked me "What are you doing to lose weight?" Since it's been a while since I have had a blog post, I thought this would be a great first post for 2014.
This journey has been anything but easy and many times I wanted to give up, pull out the junk food and the sweats. Thankfully, I have had an amazing support system on this journey. I would list names, but I am afraid that I would unintentionally leave out a name.
Let's go back to Aug of 2012. I was in a school that I loved and while there were definitely some stressors, I was in a good place and started to make some changes and I saw some weight loss. As it came closer to the end of the first semester things got a little more stressful and I stopped much of what I had been doing and the weight started to slowly come back on. Fast forward to the spring and my stress level was extremely high and my intake of ice cream and chips greatly increased. Let me just admit to you now, that I tend to be an emotional eater and yes, as a therapist, I know better. In May when everything hit the roof and I turned in my resignation, Ben and Jerry's and Doritos became my best friend and I ate what I wanted w/ out stopping to think about what I was doing to myself.
Last summer was probably one of the hardest summers I have faced in a long time. My self-esteem had taken a nose dive. I am a type A personality and failure is not an option and with all that took place in May, I felt exactly like that, a failure. I put on my happy camper face and moved through the summer like everything was fine, but it was anything but.
Over Labor Day weekend I went w/ my mother and my daughter on a girls' weekend to Gatlinburg. It did my soul some good to go to my "happy place" and get out of Nashville for a couple of days, especially since it didn't work out for me and my family to head to MI for our annual 4th of July trip. On this trip I can honestly say that I relaxed and started to feel a little more like myself. That Sunday we went to the Ripley's Aquarium and had a picture taken just on the other side of the long shark tunnel. When we got the picture back, I was horrified at how I looked. That was the first time in a while that I had seen a full body picture of myself and it was a wake-up call.
When we returned home, I made the decision to give up Coke and Dr. Pepper and to start drinking only water. This helped a little bit and I watched the scale until just after my birthday in Oct and that point I realized I needed to make some major changes. Back in 2012, I had joined Spark People and decided to go back and start up w/ them again and I am so glad that I did.
On Oct 11th, I started a 30 day challenge in which, I drank only water, ate only lean meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and had NO sweets. I also worked out for a minimum of 30 mins a day, 5 days a week. The no sweets part was extremely difficult, but w/ much prayer and support I made it through the 30 days.
At this point, making healthy choices was easier b/c I had made it a habit. I have nothing but positive things to say about Spark People! It can be a little time consuming b/c I have to track everything I eat as well as everything I do in my workouts daily. The other wonderful thing is that Spark People is about educating it's members and they believe in helping people make a lifestyle change, rather than just going on a diet. A diet has a start and end point, but a lifestyle change has a starting point, but no ending point. There are no drinks, shakes, pills or special meals. It's all about learning how to shop, cook, make healthy choices when eating out as well as learning what to do when you are working out.
At this point, I still struggle w/ telling myself that certain foods are "bad," b/c I know that eating an actual serving of one of those foods won't undo all of my work. It has been a challenge to change my mindset. I shared earlier in the post that I gave up cokes and by Christmas, I really wanted one, so I decided that one coke w/ Christmas lunch was fine. My wonderful hubby made sure that there was one in the fridge for me. We sat down to lunch on Christmas Day and I poured the coke over a large glass of ice and took that first sip. Honestly, it wasn't that great and it tasted a little weird. I had also allowed myself to eat low mein, an eggroll and crab ragoon the night before, along w/ pigs in a blanket that morning for breakfast. Yep, my body totally revolted. I was shocked at how a couple of months of clean eating would cause such a revolt from my body. Honestly, now that I know how my body will react, I don't really crave those things too much at this point. I have also learned how to make healthier versions of some of my favorite foods and that way I don't feel deprived.
Through all of this, I had the privilege of starting to take a ballet class on Friday mornings, along w/ continuing to dance on Wed nights at church. At first, the ballet classes were frustrating b/c I knew what I had been capable of doing in the past and I couldn't do it any more. Our ballet instructor is wonderful and patient. He does not become frustrated when I or one of the other ladies makes a mistake. He laughs w/ us, gives us tips on ways to correct the issue and shares stories about his mistakes. On Wed nights, our wonderful leader is also patient and never shows any frustration when anyone makes a mistake. Overall, the ladies in both groups are wonderful and encouraging. Now that I am several months into the lifestyle change, I feel more confident on Wed nights and Fri mornings. My technique is still far from perfect and there are still some moves that I struggle w/, but it is slowly starting to come back.
The wonderful thing from my Wed night group is that I had some cheerleaders emerge that I never expected. When I would hit a plateau or get frustrated, I had a group cheering me on and helping me over the hurdles. Even now that I am so close to my goal, these ladies are still cheering me on and encouraging me. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to put these wonderful ladies in my life!
I have to take time to talk about my wonderful hubby. He has definitely been my biggest cheerleader through it all. He has tolerated the food "makeover" in the house and told me from day that he thinks I am beautiful, even when I felt like anything but. He doesn't get angry when he suggests something for dinner and I tell him "it's not on my plan." My hubby has made sure that I have had the time I needed to get in my workouts, even if that means he sits upstairs with the kids during nap time instead of working in his office, so I could be in the basement. When you have a supportive hubby, it really does make all the difference in the world.
As of last Sat, I have lost 31.6 lbs and am now down to my last 10 lbs. I have not taken any more measurements, so I can't state how many inches I have lost at this point. I have dropped 3 pant sizes and 2 sizes in shirts. I shared on FB that I had a Kohl's gift card and ended up purchasing a pair of pants in a size that I have not seen in almost 10 yrs.
I now have more energy to keep up w/ my kids and keep up w/ things that I need to do around the house. I don't dread looking in the mirror or having my picture taken. The Lord opened a door for me to work a small contract position w/ in my church for a few hours a week and I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now than I was last summer. Some days are still hard and cause me to want to head out and pick up my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry's or a bag of Doritos, but I know that it won't help and that it will only open the door to start heading back in the wrong direction and instead I pray or work out.
The one thing I hope anyone takes away from reading this, is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The weight didn't come on over night and it won't come off over night. Find a support system. Some of those people will come from your inner circle and some will come from places you never expected. Take it one day at a time. If you look at how far you still have to go, it will only discourage you. Look at the small steps you have taken and be proud of what you have accomplished. Know that in the end it will all be worth it. Plateaus happen! Don't give up. Look at what you are doing and then evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. This is about getting healthy and not getting to a number on the scale or getting into a certain size in jeans. Yes, having goals is important, but looking at the overall picture and getting to a place where you feel healthy and feel good about yourself is important. The last thing is find verses, passages of scripture to help you along the way and definitely make sure prayer is a part of this journey. The Lord does care and sometimes the only way to make it through a work out or walking past the ice cream in the grocery store is through prayer.
Check out Spark People if you are looking for a place to start. It is 100% free and you set your own goals or have the choice to join group goals. I am a huge fan and would highly recommend it to anyone. The message boards are full of supportive people and there is even a place to post and get a response directly from a Spark Coach.
http://sparkpeople.com/
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, or if you just need some encouragement to get started, I am here.
Praying blessings over all of you and that the Lord will allow 2014 to be an incredible year.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Working Wife vs House Wife
Ok, so I'm not really going to debate which is better because, I feel the Lord calls us to different things at different times in our lives and I don't feel that any one is really better than the other given your circumstances. That being said, this is a struggle for me because I have worked full time since I graduated from college and had worked at least part time prior to that.
Since all of this started back in May, I have heard more than once that it is not my job as a wife to provide for my family. While I understand the Biblical concept, it's honestly hard for me to accept. There is a verse that my wonderful, godly husband takes to heart and it is: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). As a wife, this makes me swell with pride that I have a husband who takes his role as provider seriously and seeks to honor the Lord as he leads our family, but what is my responsibility?
My struggle comes in when I see the balance in the check book and our savings account and feel like I should be working to help my husband bring in income and help provide for our family. I'll be honest in that the Lord has provided for all of our needs since we prayed and came to the decision that I was coming home at least for the time being, but I feel like I should be doing more. Yes, this is probably more of an issue of fear than anything else, but I worry about our bills and making sure that our needs are provided for. ALL of our bills have been paid and we are not in danger of losing anything at this point and for that I am thankful. I also hate to see the look on my husband's face when he is balancing the checkbook.
All of this to say, I still struggle with whether or not I need to seek out at least some sort of part time job and even with that would it be complete disobedience for me, in this moment to seek out work? There is a ministry desire that has been growing inside of me for several years and I honestly pray the Lord will open doors and allow me to start speaking at least once a month and bring in some income through those speaking engagements. I am also hoping to teach a short term ladies' Bible study through our church later on in the fall and know that even if that is the door the Lord opens, that I am still walking in obedience.
Walking in obedience even when there is fear is difficult. I desire to live a life without fear and in complete and total obedience to the Lord. If you know me well, then you know that I thrive when I know there is security. Right now, my husband and I are walking in complete and total faith and reliance on the Lord. Yes, this is what we should always do, but I kind of like to "take control" when I can because I fear the unknown.. The next several months or even upcoming year will be a test of my faith and a time of growth for me. I can only hope and pray that at the end of this chapter I can look back and know the Lord was pleased with how I handled each situation presented and that I responded in faith instead of out of fear.
Since all of this started back in May, I have heard more than once that it is not my job as a wife to provide for my family. While I understand the Biblical concept, it's honestly hard for me to accept. There is a verse that my wonderful, godly husband takes to heart and it is: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). As a wife, this makes me swell with pride that I have a husband who takes his role as provider seriously and seeks to honor the Lord as he leads our family, but what is my responsibility?
My struggle comes in when I see the balance in the check book and our savings account and feel like I should be working to help my husband bring in income and help provide for our family. I'll be honest in that the Lord has provided for all of our needs since we prayed and came to the decision that I was coming home at least for the time being, but I feel like I should be doing more. Yes, this is probably more of an issue of fear than anything else, but I worry about our bills and making sure that our needs are provided for. ALL of our bills have been paid and we are not in danger of losing anything at this point and for that I am thankful. I also hate to see the look on my husband's face when he is balancing the checkbook.
All of this to say, I still struggle with whether or not I need to seek out at least some sort of part time job and even with that would it be complete disobedience for me, in this moment to seek out work? There is a ministry desire that has been growing inside of me for several years and I honestly pray the Lord will open doors and allow me to start speaking at least once a month and bring in some income through those speaking engagements. I am also hoping to teach a short term ladies' Bible study through our church later on in the fall and know that even if that is the door the Lord opens, that I am still walking in obedience.
Walking in obedience even when there is fear is difficult. I desire to live a life without fear and in complete and total obedience to the Lord. If you know me well, then you know that I thrive when I know there is security. Right now, my husband and I are walking in complete and total faith and reliance on the Lord. Yes, this is what we should always do, but I kind of like to "take control" when I can because I fear the unknown.. The next several months or even upcoming year will be a test of my faith and a time of growth for me. I can only hope and pray that at the end of this chapter I can look back and know the Lord was pleased with how I handled each situation presented and that I responded in faith instead of out of fear.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
New Year for the Kids.
Today, my kids started their new school year and I almost made it out of the building without any tears, but when I went to say goodbye to my daughter, I lost that battle. I love my kids and am thankful that they are healthy and growing, but I would like to slow time down just a little bit.
My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.
My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.
Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.
In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.
My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.
Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.
Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.
My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.
My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.
My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.
My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.
Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.
In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.
My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.
Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.
Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.
My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.
My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Changes and Challenges
Change is never easy and challenges arise even when the change is desired and that is where I currently find myself. Coming home was a decision that my husband and I prayed about and felt that the Lord was leading in that direction and has shown us in several ways that we have made the correct choice. That being said, I am now trying to figure out who I am and where do I go from here?
I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.
My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.
I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.
When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.
I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.
I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.
My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.
I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.
When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.
I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Aug 1st and a Mixed Ball of Emotions.
It's Aug 1st and I will be honest, that I felt a little lost when I woke up this morning. Typically, today would have my alarm going off around 5:30a and me heading out the door a little before 7:00a, attempting to eat breakfast while choking back tears and the overwhelming feelings of mommy guilt. I would pull into the parking lot, give myself a little pep talk, telling myself that the kids are in great hands with their father and there are little people in this school that I need to help. I would look in the mirror to make sure my face wasn't too blotchy, put on my happy camper face and walk into the school ready to face a new year.
This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.
I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.
I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.
This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.
I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.
I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
And the answer is.... "I Don't Know"
It seems the only answer I have when people ask me my what plans are or what I plan on doing next is "I don't know." If you know me well, you know that I hate to give that type of answer. I am a Type A planner and I don't do things without at least one plan in place and most times multiple back up plans. So here I am two months after all of this started and I honestly don't know what is next.
For now, I am going to share how I ended up in this place and a change in my thought processes over the years. Please know that some of you will take offense to where I started and while I don't want to intentionally offend anyone, I need to be honest and transparent. So, here we go and hold on because this is going to be a long post.
I grew up in a single parent home. My mother put herself through nursing school after the divorce. She did the absolute best she could as a single mother. Somehow, through all of the craziness of life, my mother was always there. She modeled problem solving and having the ability to stand on her own two feet without a man in the home. Yes, we were beyond blessed w/ an incredible church that filled certain gaps and walked beside us through both the good and the bad. What this taught me was that while I had dreams of one day getting married and having a family of my own, I didn't really "need" a man and I could stand on my own two feet and independence was built into me at a very young age.
Fast forward to college. I was blessed to attend a wonderful SBC all women's college in Alabama and it sometimes still surprises me that the Lord called me there. I was surrounded by some incredibly strong and independent professors. There were leadership positions I was able to hold that I may not have had the opportunity otherwise if I had attended a co-ed school. This further built in me the "Anything you can do I can do better" mentality when it came to guys. You guessed it, I really did not date much.
Because my college was a small and nothing but women, there were many girls who came already in serious relationships and some were even already engaged. Many of them had plans to graduate and then marry almost as soon as they graduated. I will be honest, I wanted to scream at those girls. I couldn't for the life of me understand why any of these girls were even in school if all they wanted to do was to go home and be barefoot and pregnant. (Yes, this is what may offend some of you). Even through my frustration and anger at these girls, there was one relationship that stood out to me. One girl apparently had a guy that she was best friends w/ all through high school and they did many of the high school activities together. I am not sure how long they actually dated before becoming engaged, but I do know that they pretty much skipped the large part of the whole dating thing and that was something I wanted. Weird to have such anger towards one group and totally desire the type of relationship one girl had. This last fact will be important later on this post.
I graduated from college and went to Wyoming for a year to serve as a Semester Missionary through NAMB. Actually dated two guys during that year period and ended up moving to Nashville because of the one relationship. My desire at this point was very much to get married and have children. That being said, I didn't see anything wrong with children being in day care while I worked. In the end that relationship didn't work out and I was living in Nashville not really knowing any other people besides my co-workers. At that point I was honestly ready to head back home to south Alabama, but the independent "I can do this on my own" side of me won out and I stayed in Nashville. The day after 9/11 changed my life forever and I didn't even know it at the time because I had just met the man of my dreams.
At that point my world was completely rocked. My nation had been attacked and being a military brat, I was taught to believe that we as a nation were untouchable. All church sermons around that time revolved around how safe we were and that we were not alone and I wanted to scream b/c I had not only had my heart crushed into what felt like a million pieces, my own sense of safety and security of being American had just been ripped out from under my feet. Needless to say I spent a great deal of time yelling at the Lord and not really happy with where He had me at this point.
Through all of this, I started attending a new church and the Lord sent me an incredible group of friends, including the man I would eventually go on to marry. The Sunday School class I was a part of rocked. This was a class unlike any I had ever been in before and we had the best time with each other in Bible Study, playing and serving in all areas of the church. Also, many people began to start pairing up, dating and eventually marrying. My circle of friends was no different. When we went out, most people were couples and this left my now husband, Sean, and I "together" even though we were not really together. Our friendship began to grow and we spent many nights and weekends together and "hanging out." Honestly, I was in total denial about how I felt about him and one more than one occasion, I told him that he was not my list. That is actually a story for another blog, but yes, I honestly said this to him and would later go on to eat my words.
In April of 2002 my world collapsed and my group of friends rallied around me when my brother died. A group of 6 of them made the long 6 hr drive to my hometown. Three of them came down on Tuesday for the viewing and drove back and then 3 came down on Wed for the actual funeral. You guessed it, Sean was in that group.
Fast forward to summer of 2003. Sean and I spent a great deal of time together, in spite of many of the walls that I built up over the years. I had been in counseling to deal with many issues that arose after the death of my brother and relationships were definitely a part of that process. At this time I had also been accepted to SWBTS and was preparing to make the move to Fort Worth, TX. In July of that summer we shared our first kiss and the next day I completely flipped out and ran away. It really had nothing to do w/ him, it was my own insecurities and fears about relationships after watching my parents divorce and a nasty break up in 01.
Thankfully, we had an incredible singles pastor, who was not afraid to call me on the carpet and tell me what he thought about my thoughts and went through my list and pointed out what I already knew to be true about Sean. This conversation took place in the basement of their home with the singles pastor and his wife in the middle of a tornado warning. This is the same minister who would eventually end up performing our marriage ceremony and his daughter was one of our junior bridesmaids. This is a family that my husband and I have kept in contact with through the years.
In August I made the move to Fort Worth and never really found closure where this guy was concerned. I was convinced that I would meet a nice seminary boy and become a minister's wife. Honestly, I was hoping to land a youth pastor or a recreation minister. The Lord definitely showed his great sense of humor in that every I guy I met on campus I would compare to Sean back in Nashville. That Nov, we were both in a wedding of two dear friends and that was probably the first real conversation he and I had shared since I left in Aug. We would chat on AOL IM from time to time and that Christmas we had a nice long conversation on the phone and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had my best friend back. During this time, the Lord was hitting me over the head with the fact that every single guy I met, I was comparing to my Sean. If he was the one guy to which every other guy was being measured, then why in the world, did I not want to be with him? I had wondered more than once if he treated his friends as well as he did, how would he treat a girlfriend/ fiance/ wife?
During this time I spent a great deal of time talking with the amazing group of friends I had made in Fort Worth. Some were for the relationship and others were more cautious. In Jan of 04, I did something that I would not typically encourage girls to do, but I wrote my Sean a very long letter, actually, I typed it and sent it as an attachment in an email and told him how I felt. At this point, I knew I was risking having my heart torn to shreds again, but he had been respectful in keeping his distance. The story of what happened the night he received the letter is long, so I won't share it here, but it turned his night upside down.
In March my father had been admitted to hospice in GA and I made the long drive from Fort Worth to GA several times. On my next to last drive, Sean came down from Nashville. At this point we were technically dating. He wasn't sure if he wanted children and that was something that had to be resolved before we could move on any farther. One night, he looked at me and told me that he wanted me to be the mother of his children and I cried, then we had a conversation about the big "M" word. Even though I had never been a daddy's girl, or even really all that close to him, I wanted what most girls wanted and that was the blessing of both of my parents. On a Sun morning, my Sean walked into my father's hospice room and asked for my hand in marriage. My father, true to form, responded with "That sounds fine to me" and those were the last words I heard from him and he passed away on Saturday.
On Mon before I made the long trek back to Fort Worth, Sean made me a huge "diamond" ring out of balloons. I guess this would be a good time to share that my hubby is a children and family entertainer and latex pays our bills. When I arrived back to Fort Worth, I was preparing to go on a ladies' retreat with my church. We did things a little out of order and set a date for our wedding. At this point, he left for a 6 week American Armed Forces Entertainment Tour. When he came home in May, he flew me to Nashville to officially meet his family and when I met him after I got off the plane, he proposed. Another fun story for another time.
So, now I was engaged and then we married in June of 05. When I started at SWBTS, I was pursuing a double master's along with a concentration. At this point, I realized that I would be in school forever if I continued down this road, so I dropped my second master's degree. This also meant that I would not have a concentration, even though I had already completed all of the course work. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to graduate and start and family. Yes, I still wanted a career and had no qualms with children being a day care.
We moved back to Nashville after I graduated in Dec of 2006. Our daughter was born May of 09. As a school based therapist I had the luxury of a school schedule and summer's off. The fall after my daughter was born I cried all the way to work and the mommy guilt kicked into high gear and for the first time, there was a shift in my thinking. I tried to ignore it and push it away, but I couldn't. Along came our two sons and my heart was struggling with what I really wanted. There was a part of me that knew women worked full time outside of the home and their children turned out just fine. There was also a part of me that wanted to be home with my children and there were days that I struggled to keep it together because I longed to home with them. Another thing you should understand is that because my husband is self-employed, he was home with our children and a part of me resented that.
Fast forward to May of this year and everything at work fell apart. After many tears, prayer and seeking godly counsel the decision was made that I would resign my position. Like I said earlier, I am a planner. Resigning a position with nothing else lined up is so not me. I interviewed for another a position and was not called back in for a second interview and I had very mixed emotions about this. A part of me was frustrated that with all of my experience they still didn't want me and a part of me was completely relieved because I really didn't want the position. I have shared in a previous blog about what it is that I desire to do and firmly believe that the Lord is calling me to that. I have also come to realize that many of the things I want to teach wives and mothers are things that I have never experienced as a wife and mother. For the first time in 8 yrs of marriage, I am completely 100% dependent on my husband to provide financially. For the first time, I am a housewife and stay at home mother. For the first time, I have no idea as to what the next step will look like or what doors the Lord will open for me.
There are still conversations that I need to have and several emails that need to be sent. I have almost completed the book "S.H.A.P.E" by Erik Rees. Reading that book has confirmed several things within myself, and had me doing a great deal of praying, processing and thinking. I'll be honest that my desire to be in ministry is as strong as ever,but I still have no clue as to what that looks like. Am I am full time stay at home mom, a full time working mom or a part time working mom? Do I even know what it is that I really want? The answer to all of this is "I don't know." There is still an internal struggle with what I have thought and felt most of my life and the thoughts that have crept in over the past several years. Did I ever think that at this stage in my life I would be in this position or questioning thoughts and feelings I have held for most of my life. No. For someone who has been confident and self-assured this is a very frustrating position to be in, but I know that the Lord has a plan and when He opens the door that He wants me to go through, I will see how this journey will encourage other wives and mothers and in the end will bring Him glory because in the end that is all that matters.
My prayer as you have read my short novel of a blog post is that you will see that I am very much human, that I am attempting to be as transparent as I can in this journey and that ultimately, my goal and heart's desire to is honor the Lord. It is OK to NOT have all of the answers, even for those of us who are extreme type A personalities. It's OK to let your husband take care of you, even though your desire to contribute to your family. If you are a working mother, do it so that it glorifies the Lord and make sure you are still being the wife and mother that you need to be. If you are a full time stay at home mom, then do it to honor and glorify the Lord. The Lord brings us each through different seasons and I pray that no matter what season you are in that you will stay in The Word and on your face before Him.
Thank you again for sticking around and making it to the end of this short novel!
For now, I am going to share how I ended up in this place and a change in my thought processes over the years. Please know that some of you will take offense to where I started and while I don't want to intentionally offend anyone, I need to be honest and transparent. So, here we go and hold on because this is going to be a long post.
I grew up in a single parent home. My mother put herself through nursing school after the divorce. She did the absolute best she could as a single mother. Somehow, through all of the craziness of life, my mother was always there. She modeled problem solving and having the ability to stand on her own two feet without a man in the home. Yes, we were beyond blessed w/ an incredible church that filled certain gaps and walked beside us through both the good and the bad. What this taught me was that while I had dreams of one day getting married and having a family of my own, I didn't really "need" a man and I could stand on my own two feet and independence was built into me at a very young age.
Fast forward to college. I was blessed to attend a wonderful SBC all women's college in Alabama and it sometimes still surprises me that the Lord called me there. I was surrounded by some incredibly strong and independent professors. There were leadership positions I was able to hold that I may not have had the opportunity otherwise if I had attended a co-ed school. This further built in me the "Anything you can do I can do better" mentality when it came to guys. You guessed it, I really did not date much.
Because my college was a small and nothing but women, there were many girls who came already in serious relationships and some were even already engaged. Many of them had plans to graduate and then marry almost as soon as they graduated. I will be honest, I wanted to scream at those girls. I couldn't for the life of me understand why any of these girls were even in school if all they wanted to do was to go home and be barefoot and pregnant. (Yes, this is what may offend some of you). Even through my frustration and anger at these girls, there was one relationship that stood out to me. One girl apparently had a guy that she was best friends w/ all through high school and they did many of the high school activities together. I am not sure how long they actually dated before becoming engaged, but I do know that they pretty much skipped the large part of the whole dating thing and that was something I wanted. Weird to have such anger towards one group and totally desire the type of relationship one girl had. This last fact will be important later on this post.
I graduated from college and went to Wyoming for a year to serve as a Semester Missionary through NAMB. Actually dated two guys during that year period and ended up moving to Nashville because of the one relationship. My desire at this point was very much to get married and have children. That being said, I didn't see anything wrong with children being in day care while I worked. In the end that relationship didn't work out and I was living in Nashville not really knowing any other people besides my co-workers. At that point I was honestly ready to head back home to south Alabama, but the independent "I can do this on my own" side of me won out and I stayed in Nashville. The day after 9/11 changed my life forever and I didn't even know it at the time because I had just met the man of my dreams.
At that point my world was completely rocked. My nation had been attacked and being a military brat, I was taught to believe that we as a nation were untouchable. All church sermons around that time revolved around how safe we were and that we were not alone and I wanted to scream b/c I had not only had my heart crushed into what felt like a million pieces, my own sense of safety and security of being American had just been ripped out from under my feet. Needless to say I spent a great deal of time yelling at the Lord and not really happy with where He had me at this point.
Through all of this, I started attending a new church and the Lord sent me an incredible group of friends, including the man I would eventually go on to marry. The Sunday School class I was a part of rocked. This was a class unlike any I had ever been in before and we had the best time with each other in Bible Study, playing and serving in all areas of the church. Also, many people began to start pairing up, dating and eventually marrying. My circle of friends was no different. When we went out, most people were couples and this left my now husband, Sean, and I "together" even though we were not really together. Our friendship began to grow and we spent many nights and weekends together and "hanging out." Honestly, I was in total denial about how I felt about him and one more than one occasion, I told him that he was not my list. That is actually a story for another blog, but yes, I honestly said this to him and would later go on to eat my words.
In April of 2002 my world collapsed and my group of friends rallied around me when my brother died. A group of 6 of them made the long 6 hr drive to my hometown. Three of them came down on Tuesday for the viewing and drove back and then 3 came down on Wed for the actual funeral. You guessed it, Sean was in that group.
Fast forward to summer of 2003. Sean and I spent a great deal of time together, in spite of many of the walls that I built up over the years. I had been in counseling to deal with many issues that arose after the death of my brother and relationships were definitely a part of that process. At this time I had also been accepted to SWBTS and was preparing to make the move to Fort Worth, TX. In July of that summer we shared our first kiss and the next day I completely flipped out and ran away. It really had nothing to do w/ him, it was my own insecurities and fears about relationships after watching my parents divorce and a nasty break up in 01.
Thankfully, we had an incredible singles pastor, who was not afraid to call me on the carpet and tell me what he thought about my thoughts and went through my list and pointed out what I already knew to be true about Sean. This conversation took place in the basement of their home with the singles pastor and his wife in the middle of a tornado warning. This is the same minister who would eventually end up performing our marriage ceremony and his daughter was one of our junior bridesmaids. This is a family that my husband and I have kept in contact with through the years.
In August I made the move to Fort Worth and never really found closure where this guy was concerned. I was convinced that I would meet a nice seminary boy and become a minister's wife. Honestly, I was hoping to land a youth pastor or a recreation minister. The Lord definitely showed his great sense of humor in that every I guy I met on campus I would compare to Sean back in Nashville. That Nov, we were both in a wedding of two dear friends and that was probably the first real conversation he and I had shared since I left in Aug. We would chat on AOL IM from time to time and that Christmas we had a nice long conversation on the phone and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had my best friend back. During this time, the Lord was hitting me over the head with the fact that every single guy I met, I was comparing to my Sean. If he was the one guy to which every other guy was being measured, then why in the world, did I not want to be with him? I had wondered more than once if he treated his friends as well as he did, how would he treat a girlfriend/ fiance/ wife?
During this time I spent a great deal of time talking with the amazing group of friends I had made in Fort Worth. Some were for the relationship and others were more cautious. In Jan of 04, I did something that I would not typically encourage girls to do, but I wrote my Sean a very long letter, actually, I typed it and sent it as an attachment in an email and told him how I felt. At this point, I knew I was risking having my heart torn to shreds again, but he had been respectful in keeping his distance. The story of what happened the night he received the letter is long, so I won't share it here, but it turned his night upside down.
In March my father had been admitted to hospice in GA and I made the long drive from Fort Worth to GA several times. On my next to last drive, Sean came down from Nashville. At this point we were technically dating. He wasn't sure if he wanted children and that was something that had to be resolved before we could move on any farther. One night, he looked at me and told me that he wanted me to be the mother of his children and I cried, then we had a conversation about the big "M" word. Even though I had never been a daddy's girl, or even really all that close to him, I wanted what most girls wanted and that was the blessing of both of my parents. On a Sun morning, my Sean walked into my father's hospice room and asked for my hand in marriage. My father, true to form, responded with "That sounds fine to me" and those were the last words I heard from him and he passed away on Saturday.
On Mon before I made the long trek back to Fort Worth, Sean made me a huge "diamond" ring out of balloons. I guess this would be a good time to share that my hubby is a children and family entertainer and latex pays our bills. When I arrived back to Fort Worth, I was preparing to go on a ladies' retreat with my church. We did things a little out of order and set a date for our wedding. At this point, he left for a 6 week American Armed Forces Entertainment Tour. When he came home in May, he flew me to Nashville to officially meet his family and when I met him after I got off the plane, he proposed. Another fun story for another time.
So, now I was engaged and then we married in June of 05. When I started at SWBTS, I was pursuing a double master's along with a concentration. At this point, I realized that I would be in school forever if I continued down this road, so I dropped my second master's degree. This also meant that I would not have a concentration, even though I had already completed all of the course work. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to graduate and start and family. Yes, I still wanted a career and had no qualms with children being a day care.
We moved back to Nashville after I graduated in Dec of 2006. Our daughter was born May of 09. As a school based therapist I had the luxury of a school schedule and summer's off. The fall after my daughter was born I cried all the way to work and the mommy guilt kicked into high gear and for the first time, there was a shift in my thinking. I tried to ignore it and push it away, but I couldn't. Along came our two sons and my heart was struggling with what I really wanted. There was a part of me that knew women worked full time outside of the home and their children turned out just fine. There was also a part of me that wanted to be home with my children and there were days that I struggled to keep it together because I longed to home with them. Another thing you should understand is that because my husband is self-employed, he was home with our children and a part of me resented that.
Fast forward to May of this year and everything at work fell apart. After many tears, prayer and seeking godly counsel the decision was made that I would resign my position. Like I said earlier, I am a planner. Resigning a position with nothing else lined up is so not me. I interviewed for another a position and was not called back in for a second interview and I had very mixed emotions about this. A part of me was frustrated that with all of my experience they still didn't want me and a part of me was completely relieved because I really didn't want the position. I have shared in a previous blog about what it is that I desire to do and firmly believe that the Lord is calling me to that. I have also come to realize that many of the things I want to teach wives and mothers are things that I have never experienced as a wife and mother. For the first time in 8 yrs of marriage, I am completely 100% dependent on my husband to provide financially. For the first time, I am a housewife and stay at home mother. For the first time, I have no idea as to what the next step will look like or what doors the Lord will open for me.
There are still conversations that I need to have and several emails that need to be sent. I have almost completed the book "S.H.A.P.E" by Erik Rees. Reading that book has confirmed several things within myself, and had me doing a great deal of praying, processing and thinking. I'll be honest that my desire to be in ministry is as strong as ever,but I still have no clue as to what that looks like. Am I am full time stay at home mom, a full time working mom or a part time working mom? Do I even know what it is that I really want? The answer to all of this is "I don't know." There is still an internal struggle with what I have thought and felt most of my life and the thoughts that have crept in over the past several years. Did I ever think that at this stage in my life I would be in this position or questioning thoughts and feelings I have held for most of my life. No. For someone who has been confident and self-assured this is a very frustrating position to be in, but I know that the Lord has a plan and when He opens the door that He wants me to go through, I will see how this journey will encourage other wives and mothers and in the end will bring Him glory because in the end that is all that matters.
My prayer as you have read my short novel of a blog post is that you will see that I am very much human, that I am attempting to be as transparent as I can in this journey and that ultimately, my goal and heart's desire to is honor the Lord. It is OK to NOT have all of the answers, even for those of us who are extreme type A personalities. It's OK to let your husband take care of you, even though your desire to contribute to your family. If you are a working mother, do it so that it glorifies the Lord and make sure you are still being the wife and mother that you need to be. If you are a full time stay at home mom, then do it to honor and glorify the Lord. The Lord brings us each through different seasons and I pray that no matter what season you are in that you will stay in The Word and on your face before Him.
Thank you again for sticking around and making it to the end of this short novel!
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