First, let me just go ahead and tell you that this is going to be a long post. Also, it may seem somewhat disjointed at the start, but I hope you will be able to follow me and see where I am headed. Last, when I started this blog, my goal was to completely open, honest and transparent even when it came to sharing the hard stuff. This post is full of "hard things" for me and definitely not easy to share.
Last Friday, May 16th, I went out on a much needed Girls' Night Out w/ my 2 best friends. The week had been emotionally exhausting for several reasons, but the biggest being that the 16th was the one year anniversary of the day that everything at work hit the fan. We ate dinner at Chili's and then headed to see "Mom's Night Out." The movie was hilarious! There were times I was laughing so hard that it was difficult to breath. Time w/ my friends and the laughter did my soul a world of good. Then, the movie took a turn that took my by surprise and had the tears rolling down my cheeks. I promise I won't spoil the movie, but towards the end there was a conversation about being "enough" b/w 2 of the characters. Given the week I'd had and already being reflective, it caused even more reflection on my part.
So here we go...
Thursday, May 16th the crap hit the fan at work to put it lightly. I was devastated and in total shock. That weekend was spent in tears, praying and seeking godly counsel from those I trust the most. After an emotionally exhausting weekend the decision was made that I would turn in my resignation. Monday morning, May 20th, I went to my supervisors office and handed in my resignation. In all honesty, I had wanted out for a while. I was frustrated and completely burnt out, but didn't have the guts to look for another position and certainly, never would have had the guts to resign. So, while this was not how I would have liked for my time at this company to end, it honestly needed to end and it was way past time for me to be gone. The next 2 weeks were a complete and total blur and I pretty much stayed holed up in my office, not really speaking to anyone, other than when I had to.
About the time all of this was happening, my husband was not feeling well and he just wasn't getting any better. I landed an interview w/ another company and totally bombed it due to being so worried about my husband and honestly, I didn't want to go back to do the same job I was doing, just w/ another company. The day after my interview, my husband was walking through our dining room and almost passed out. All 3 kids were home and it was all I could do not to scream. I called his mother and then raced him to the Vanderbilt ER. I prayed that I wouldn't run into Metro on the way and then again, prayed that maybe Metro would help me get him there faster. I was convinced that he was having a heart attack. Yes, I know, I know, that should have been a 911 call and not me driving like a crazy woman to get my hubby to a hospital 25 mins away. Anyway, I threw my keys at the poor guy running the valet service and just about ran the guy in security over trying to get the love of my life into the ER.
Once there, he was taken to a room and hooked up to a machine to attempt to determine what was going on. After a couple of tests had been run, it was determined that he was not having a heart attack. At that point, we were sent to the waiting room. Low and behold one of the ladies who had interviewed me the day before was sitting there w/ her daughter. We exchanged a few words and I was not overly friendly b/c I was so worried about my hubby. Eventually, my hubby was called back and since there were no rooms, he was placed on a gurney in a hallway and we waited some more. A tech came and drew blood and we waited some more. Eventually, a doctor came over and told us that his blood work looked pretty good and started asking questions. About that time, we told the doctor about the tick bite he had that wouldn't heal and was still irritated and somewhat infected after almost a month. After several hours of craziness and waiting, he was given a script for a strong antibiotic for Lyme's Disease. This took a toll on him for the large majority of the summer. It was a horrific experience and that day and I thought I was going to leave Vandy a widow. While I was not happy to hear that my love had Lyme's Disease, it definitely beat the worst case scenarios playing out in my head.
We did take 3 days to head to Gatlinburg to get away from all of the insanity. I tried and failed to not think about my interview 2 weeks prior. When we returned home, I sent several emails to find about second round interviews only to find out that I was not being called back in. After my job ending the way it did, dealing w/ my hubby getting so sick, this was like rubbing salt in a deep, open wound. I was upset and humiliated. Up to this point, I had never not received a job after an interview. This was a first and not a pleasant first. Little did I know that this would not be the last time in the next year, that humiliation and I would come face to face.
Not only did my hubby spend most of the summer sick, he also did not have the best summer when it came to his line of work and money became increasingly tight. At times we had to pick and choose what bills we would pay and how much we would be able to pay. The difference b/w wants and needs became apparent and difficult choices were made. I knew there was difference b/w wants and needs, but we were now at a time where it really made a difference in our purchases. It's amazing what you can live w/out when you don't have budget to have some of the "luxury" items you like to enjoy. For those of you that know us well, you know that we are not materialistic people to begin w/, but it was difficult to let go of certain things through out this time.
July came and our annual trip to MI didn't happen b/c our finances wouldn't allow it. The van was not driving quite like it should and we didn't trust it to make the 9 hr drive to my sister's house. As if that wasn't bad enough, given the way May and June had gone, my hubby's car died. It died bigger than big on his way to a gig. Thankfully, his brother came to the rescue and let him borrow a car so he could get through the rest of his day. After talking w/ the shop about his car, we were told that it needed a brand new engine b/c his was totally shot and couldn't be repaired. Given the age of his car, the new engine would have been way more expensive than what the car was worth. We looked at several cars and never felt a peace about any of the ones that we looked at, so we became a 1 car family. This led to feelings of isolation due to the fact that if a gig came up, it had to take precedent over a social event and that made it even more difficult, given that I am an extrovert.
As we started into the fall, I joined a Tuesday morning Mom's Bible Study. While I have grown to love this group of ladies and have a couple of great friends in that group, it was and sometimes is hard to be in there. Many of these ladies chose to be housewives. They chose to be in the positions they are in and I felt like the choice was never mine. They knew how to be a stay at home mom and how to be a housewife. While I wanted to be in their shoes, I felt like a fish out of water and there are times that I still feel like a fish out of water where this group is concerned. They have been wonderful and a couple of them have been there to encourage me and cheer me on over the past year and for that I will always be grateful.
In September, my mom took some vacation days and booked a condo in Gatlinburg and invited me and munchkin to join her. That was a nice reprieve from everything and I probably slept better those 3 nights than I had since everything started back in May. During that trip, we went to the Ripley's Aquarium, which is probably one of my favorite things to do while out there. After we came through the incredible shark tunnel a picture was taken. When I came home and really looked at that picture, I realized how large I had become and what would happen if I continued down that road and my weight loss journey started. That is a whole blog post in and of itself and I won't go into all of that in this post.
We headed into October and I felt for sure that things would get easier for us heading into the last 3 mos of the year. Well, that wrong. Typically, October is a time of "feast" for us and we enjoy getting caught up on some things and then enjoy a few small splurges. That didn't happen. Things were shaky at best. Our nerves were shot. Putting food on the table and gas in the van became a huge struggle. By the time we hit December, I was convinced that we were going to go under b/c things were that tight and the income just wasn't there.
I wish I could say that I totally trusted the Lord would provide, but that would be a lie. I knew that none of this of took Him by surprise and that somehow He would bring us through it, but my faith was not as strong as it should have been. I went to church and put on my "happy camper" face that we all tend to do when things aren't going well b/c, who wants to actually admit that things are bad and their faith is wavering? About that time, I was reading several devotions on You Version and a couple of verses jumped out at me and kept me going even on the hardest of days:
Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and show you the way to go; with my eye on you, I will give you counsel.
Psalm 95:1 "Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation!" (emphasis is mine)
Numbers 6:24-26 "May Yahweh bless you and protect you; may Yahweh make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; may Yahweh look with favor on you and give you peace.
At this point, it would have made sense to let a few people in on what was going on. I will be honest, pride prevented me from opening up, even to those in my inner circle. Not one of them had a clue as to how tight things really were for us. There were times, I would tell my friends that there was schedule conflict, when in reality, we just couldn't afford for me to meet up and go out w/ my friends. I finally let one and only one person in on what was going on. That person became our lifeline through Dec and Jan. Thanks to that person, I was able to enjoy a Judson Singers' Reunion. Thanks to this person, our kids had Christmas and we had a nice meal on Christmas Day. Yes, things were so tight, we couldn't afford Christmas for our kids. This person also kept food on our table for a couple of months and if one of the kids needed something, this person made the sacrifice to take care of the need. In Jan, we didn't have the money to pay tuition for the kids. We had received a savings bond from my father's estate and that covered one child, but not the other 2 and this person wrote the check to keep our kids in school.
I hate, loathe, despise having to ask for help. My husband and I are not ones to ask for handouts, nor do we like asking for help to provide for our family. Thankfully, I have an incredible husband who is not afraid of hard work and even took on a part time job to help make ends meet. Given that neither one of us are afraid of work and don't think there is a job that is beneath us, to be in this position was difficult and humiliating.
At one point, a couple of snarky comments were made about us "eating out a lot." Little did that person know, that we were using gift cards given to us at Christmas. If we went out, we either used a gift card or had a nice coupon. This small gift allowed us to feel like we were "normal" and could enjoy things that we knew we couldn't afford. I share this, only b/c you never know what another person is going through or what is going on behind the scenes.
The Lord opened a door for me to start a contract position w/ our church in Jan. While I don't make a large amount of money, I do make enough to pay a small bill or put gas in the van. With my previous experience, this job is a great fit for me and it allows me to feel like I am making a difference and contributing. This has also allowed me be back in a ministry position and I can't even begin to state how that makes me feel. I still have a heart for women's ministry and I still pray that the Lord will open a door for that down the road, but this season, I know this is what I am supposed to be doing.
As we started into spring, the Lord started to answer our prayers and my hubby's work started to pick up. In April, ALL of my hubby's weekends were filled and he even had gigs at other times during the week. We finally took a deep breath and felt like we could actually start to breathe where finances were concerned. No, we were not rolling in it by any stretch of the imagination, but bills were getting paid and it was easier to put food on the table. As we have started to head into the start of summer, things have started to turn around for us. We were blessed w/ a tax refund that is allowing us to pay off some debt and we were able to bring 2 credit cards down to a zero balance! As I write this, my husband will have worked for 9 days straight and will also work tomorrow. I like that we can breathe and even can enjoy some small splurges that we haven't enjoyed in a while, not to mention, we have been able to put money back into our non-existent savings account.
To back up just a little bit, I know I haven't shared much at all what is has been like to be a stay at home mom and a housewife. This is the first time since I turned 16 that I haven't worked, so this was a huge change for me. While I wanted to be in this position, I didn't know how to fulfill this role. Honestly, a year in, I am still not convinced that I know what I am doing. I can say, that through all of the craziness and insanity of the past year, getting to be w/ my kids for more than a couple of hours a day during the week and then on weekends has been wonderful. For the first time, I didn't have to feel guilty about missing out on events at the kids' school. I have been able to volunteer in the classrooms and actually be there for school events w/out having to rely on pictures and videos from my hubby. I take my kids to school and pick them up in the afternoons. I get to actually talk to their teachers and meet other parents. When I pick them up in their classrooms, they are happy to see me, especially peanut. Most days he yells "mommy" and runs towards me and gives me a big hug. Our church has a playgroup and for the first time, my kids were able to go. I have been able to watch them develop relationships w/ other kids at church thanks to this playgroup. There are days that I am exhausted and there are times on Wed nights that I can't wait to drop them off in their classrooms. This year has given me time w/ my kids that I have missed out on the past several years. The mommy guilt is not completely gone, but it has not been near as bad this year as it has in the past. I know that at some point, I will look back on this year and will realize how important it was in building the relationships b/w me and my children. They are incredible and have 3 very distinct personalities and I have enjoyed watching them grow and getting to be there as they have hit different milestones. I have to say that stay at home moms rock. I could write another blog post on the differences of being a working mom and a stay at home mom. BOTH are rewarding and challenging in their own ways. I am happy thankful to have experienced life on both sides of that fence.
I have had more time w/ my husband in the past year than I have had in years past. Before I resigned there were too many days where I would leave early in the morning and then walk in the door as he was headed out and we barely had time for a quick kids before he left. I was home on weekends and he worked. It benefited my kiss b/c they didn't have to go to day care and they had both parents, but it was almost like we were roommates rather than husband and wife. Yes, me being home was an adjustment, but we were able to spend time together that we hadn't had in a while. Thursdays became our days. I look forward to Thursdays most weeks b/c I know that will get at least a little time together. During the summer, we will have to figure out time once our kiddos are home on those days, but somehow we will make it work. So, in the insanity of the past year, I feel like I have been given the gift of being a wife and mother in a way that I have never experienced before.
Back to the title of my blog "What is Enough?" The Lord is enough. Even when we don't see or don't understand what He is up to, He is there and He is enough. When only the bare minimum of our needs are being met, it is enough. On the days when I feel like a failure as a wife and a mother, I am enough. On the days you don't feel like it, please know that you are enough!
I didn't share this post to have people feel sorry for us, but to be encouraged that the days in the valley don't last forever. Some valleys may seems deeper and longer than others, but the mountain top is coming. I know there have been times when I have heard stories such at this from others and it reminds me that I am not alone. If you are at a point in your life and you can relate to all or part of this post, I hope you realize that you are not alone and that you are enough. HE is enough.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Southern Baptist. Why Lent?
Most people don't realize that my family has deep Catholic and Episcopalian roots. It is a long story as to how we ended up Southern Baptist and why I chose to stay Southern Baptist as an adult, but I guess there is a part of my family heritage that seems to flow a little harder through my veins this time of year. There are many things that I LOVE about being Southern Baptist and then there are things that I just don't feel that we get quite right and the season of Lent is one of them.
Don't get me wrong, Easter is absolutely important and the very basis of our beliefs on salvation and we believe without Easter weekend, there would be no way to have eternal salvation. We believe that Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and died. He was buried and then He ROSE three days later and ascended into Heaven. Because of His sacrifice and resurrection, once we accept Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we can be saved and live for eternity in Heaven with Him.
Romans 5:8
8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Back to Lent. As a child in a Southern Baptist Church, the season of Lent was not observed and it wasn't until college that I made the personal choice to start observing Lent. For me personally, it was taking time to reflect on what Easter really means. Yes, there are things that I choose to give up for the season of Lent, but it pails in comparison the sacrifice that Christ made for me. Also, I don't take breaks from my "sacrifice" on Sundays and I follow through until Easter Sunday.
In years past, I have always given up cokes and sweet tea and some years chocolate, but since none of that is a part of my daily diet, I don't feel like it is appropriate to choose those things this year. It was a struggle to choose what I would be giving up this year and the Lord reminded me of the journey He has had me on since Sept. The Bible talks about our bodies being a temple and that is an area in which I have struggled:
I Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Over the past several years, I have greatly neglected my "temple" and made several negative choices where my body is concerned. While I have made great progress, I am not where I would like to be and what better time to focus on this than the season of Lent?
For Lent this year, I will be once again going a clean eating challenge and this is what that looks like:
1) Drinking only water. No milk, tea, juice, smoothies, etc...
2) Eating plenty of fresh fruits and veggies.
3) Eating only lean meats, like turkey, chicken and shrimp as long as they are grilled or broiled. No steak, other types of beef or pork.
4) No desserts or sweets.
Since I am training for 2 different 5Ks, I also plan to walk/ jog 10-15 miles per week.
I encourage you to take the time and find out what it means to observe Lent and then pray about whether or not you should participate. This does not have to be something legalistic in nature, but one that helps you reflect on the season of Lent and what Easter means to you and your salvation.
Don't get me wrong, Easter is absolutely important and the very basis of our beliefs on salvation and we believe without Easter weekend, there would be no way to have eternal salvation. We believe that Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and died. He was buried and then He ROSE three days later and ascended into Heaven. Because of His sacrifice and resurrection, once we accept Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we can be saved and live for eternity in Heaven with Him.
Romans 5:8
8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Back to Lent. As a child in a Southern Baptist Church, the season of Lent was not observed and it wasn't until college that I made the personal choice to start observing Lent. For me personally, it was taking time to reflect on what Easter really means. Yes, there are things that I choose to give up for the season of Lent, but it pails in comparison the sacrifice that Christ made for me. Also, I don't take breaks from my "sacrifice" on Sundays and I follow through until Easter Sunday.
In years past, I have always given up cokes and sweet tea and some years chocolate, but since none of that is a part of my daily diet, I don't feel like it is appropriate to choose those things this year. It was a struggle to choose what I would be giving up this year and the Lord reminded me of the journey He has had me on since Sept. The Bible talks about our bodies being a temple and that is an area in which I have struggled:
I Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Over the past several years, I have greatly neglected my "temple" and made several negative choices where my body is concerned. While I have made great progress, I am not where I would like to be and what better time to focus on this than the season of Lent?
For Lent this year, I will be once again going a clean eating challenge and this is what that looks like:
1) Drinking only water. No milk, tea, juice, smoothies, etc...
2) Eating plenty of fresh fruits and veggies.
3) Eating only lean meats, like turkey, chicken and shrimp as long as they are grilled or broiled. No steak, other types of beef or pork.
4) No desserts or sweets.
Since I am training for 2 different 5Ks, I also plan to walk/ jog 10-15 miles per week.
I encourage you to take the time and find out what it means to observe Lent and then pray about whether or not you should participate. This does not have to be something legalistic in nature, but one that helps you reflect on the season of Lent and what Easter means to you and your salvation.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
My Journey to a Healthy Lifestyle
I am going to be extremely transparent in this post and all I ask is that if you choose to read it, that you will read it w/ an open mind and not post any judgmental comments and realize how hard it is for me to share this.
Many people have asked me "What are you doing to lose weight?" Since it's been a while since I have had a blog post, I thought this would be a great first post for 2014.
This journey has been anything but easy and many times I wanted to give up, pull out the junk food and the sweats. Thankfully, I have had an amazing support system on this journey. I would list names, but I am afraid that I would unintentionally leave out a name.
Let's go back to Aug of 2012. I was in a school that I loved and while there were definitely some stressors, I was in a good place and started to make some changes and I saw some weight loss. As it came closer to the end of the first semester things got a little more stressful and I stopped much of what I had been doing and the weight started to slowly come back on. Fast forward to the spring and my stress level was extremely high and my intake of ice cream and chips greatly increased. Let me just admit to you now, that I tend to be an emotional eater and yes, as a therapist, I know better. In May when everything hit the roof and I turned in my resignation, Ben and Jerry's and Doritos became my best friend and I ate what I wanted w/ out stopping to think about what I was doing to myself.
Last summer was probably one of the hardest summers I have faced in a long time. My self-esteem had taken a nose dive. I am a type A personality and failure is not an option and with all that took place in May, I felt exactly like that, a failure. I put on my happy camper face and moved through the summer like everything was fine, but it was anything but.
Over Labor Day weekend I went w/ my mother and my daughter on a girls' weekend to Gatlinburg. It did my soul some good to go to my "happy place" and get out of Nashville for a couple of days, especially since it didn't work out for me and my family to head to MI for our annual 4th of July trip. On this trip I can honestly say that I relaxed and started to feel a little more like myself. That Sunday we went to the Ripley's Aquarium and had a picture taken just on the other side of the long shark tunnel. When we got the picture back, I was horrified at how I looked. That was the first time in a while that I had seen a full body picture of myself and it was a wake-up call.
When we returned home, I made the decision to give up Coke and Dr. Pepper and to start drinking only water. This helped a little bit and I watched the scale until just after my birthday in Oct and that point I realized I needed to make some major changes. Back in 2012, I had joined Spark People and decided to go back and start up w/ them again and I am so glad that I did.
On Oct 11th, I started a 30 day challenge in which, I drank only water, ate only lean meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and had NO sweets. I also worked out for a minimum of 30 mins a day, 5 days a week. The no sweets part was extremely difficult, but w/ much prayer and support I made it through the 30 days.
At this point, making healthy choices was easier b/c I had made it a habit. I have nothing but positive things to say about Spark People! It can be a little time consuming b/c I have to track everything I eat as well as everything I do in my workouts daily. The other wonderful thing is that Spark People is about educating it's members and they believe in helping people make a lifestyle change, rather than just going on a diet. A diet has a start and end point, but a lifestyle change has a starting point, but no ending point. There are no drinks, shakes, pills or special meals. It's all about learning how to shop, cook, make healthy choices when eating out as well as learning what to do when you are working out.
At this point, I still struggle w/ telling myself that certain foods are "bad," b/c I know that eating an actual serving of one of those foods won't undo all of my work. It has been a challenge to change my mindset. I shared earlier in the post that I gave up cokes and by Christmas, I really wanted one, so I decided that one coke w/ Christmas lunch was fine. My wonderful hubby made sure that there was one in the fridge for me. We sat down to lunch on Christmas Day and I poured the coke over a large glass of ice and took that first sip. Honestly, it wasn't that great and it tasted a little weird. I had also allowed myself to eat low mein, an eggroll and crab ragoon the night before, along w/ pigs in a blanket that morning for breakfast. Yep, my body totally revolted. I was shocked at how a couple of months of clean eating would cause such a revolt from my body. Honestly, now that I know how my body will react, I don't really crave those things too much at this point. I have also learned how to make healthier versions of some of my favorite foods and that way I don't feel deprived.
Through all of this, I had the privilege of starting to take a ballet class on Friday mornings, along w/ continuing to dance on Wed nights at church. At first, the ballet classes were frustrating b/c I knew what I had been capable of doing in the past and I couldn't do it any more. Our ballet instructor is wonderful and patient. He does not become frustrated when I or one of the other ladies makes a mistake. He laughs w/ us, gives us tips on ways to correct the issue and shares stories about his mistakes. On Wed nights, our wonderful leader is also patient and never shows any frustration when anyone makes a mistake. Overall, the ladies in both groups are wonderful and encouraging. Now that I am several months into the lifestyle change, I feel more confident on Wed nights and Fri mornings. My technique is still far from perfect and there are still some moves that I struggle w/, but it is slowly starting to come back.
The wonderful thing from my Wed night group is that I had some cheerleaders emerge that I never expected. When I would hit a plateau or get frustrated, I had a group cheering me on and helping me over the hurdles. Even now that I am so close to my goal, these ladies are still cheering me on and encouraging me. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to put these wonderful ladies in my life!
I have to take time to talk about my wonderful hubby. He has definitely been my biggest cheerleader through it all. He has tolerated the food "makeover" in the house and told me from day that he thinks I am beautiful, even when I felt like anything but. He doesn't get angry when he suggests something for dinner and I tell him "it's not on my plan." My hubby has made sure that I have had the time I needed to get in my workouts, even if that means he sits upstairs with the kids during nap time instead of working in his office, so I could be in the basement. When you have a supportive hubby, it really does make all the difference in the world.
As of last Sat, I have lost 31.6 lbs and am now down to my last 10 lbs. I have not taken any more measurements, so I can't state how many inches I have lost at this point. I have dropped 3 pant sizes and 2 sizes in shirts. I shared on FB that I had a Kohl's gift card and ended up purchasing a pair of pants in a size that I have not seen in almost 10 yrs.
I now have more energy to keep up w/ my kids and keep up w/ things that I need to do around the house. I don't dread looking in the mirror or having my picture taken. The Lord opened a door for me to work a small contract position w/ in my church for a few hours a week and I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now than I was last summer. Some days are still hard and cause me to want to head out and pick up my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry's or a bag of Doritos, but I know that it won't help and that it will only open the door to start heading back in the wrong direction and instead I pray or work out.
The one thing I hope anyone takes away from reading this, is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The weight didn't come on over night and it won't come off over night. Find a support system. Some of those people will come from your inner circle and some will come from places you never expected. Take it one day at a time. If you look at how far you still have to go, it will only discourage you. Look at the small steps you have taken and be proud of what you have accomplished. Know that in the end it will all be worth it. Plateaus happen! Don't give up. Look at what you are doing and then evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. This is about getting healthy and not getting to a number on the scale or getting into a certain size in jeans. Yes, having goals is important, but looking at the overall picture and getting to a place where you feel healthy and feel good about yourself is important. The last thing is find verses, passages of scripture to help you along the way and definitely make sure prayer is a part of this journey. The Lord does care and sometimes the only way to make it through a work out or walking past the ice cream in the grocery store is through prayer.
Check out Spark People if you are looking for a place to start. It is 100% free and you set your own goals or have the choice to join group goals. I am a huge fan and would highly recommend it to anyone. The message boards are full of supportive people and there is even a place to post and get a response directly from a Spark Coach.
http://sparkpeople.com/
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, or if you just need some encouragement to get started, I am here.
Praying blessings over all of you and that the Lord will allow 2014 to be an incredible year.
Many people have asked me "What are you doing to lose weight?" Since it's been a while since I have had a blog post, I thought this would be a great first post for 2014.
This journey has been anything but easy and many times I wanted to give up, pull out the junk food and the sweats. Thankfully, I have had an amazing support system on this journey. I would list names, but I am afraid that I would unintentionally leave out a name.
Let's go back to Aug of 2012. I was in a school that I loved and while there were definitely some stressors, I was in a good place and started to make some changes and I saw some weight loss. As it came closer to the end of the first semester things got a little more stressful and I stopped much of what I had been doing and the weight started to slowly come back on. Fast forward to the spring and my stress level was extremely high and my intake of ice cream and chips greatly increased. Let me just admit to you now, that I tend to be an emotional eater and yes, as a therapist, I know better. In May when everything hit the roof and I turned in my resignation, Ben and Jerry's and Doritos became my best friend and I ate what I wanted w/ out stopping to think about what I was doing to myself.
Last summer was probably one of the hardest summers I have faced in a long time. My self-esteem had taken a nose dive. I am a type A personality and failure is not an option and with all that took place in May, I felt exactly like that, a failure. I put on my happy camper face and moved through the summer like everything was fine, but it was anything but.
Over Labor Day weekend I went w/ my mother and my daughter on a girls' weekend to Gatlinburg. It did my soul some good to go to my "happy place" and get out of Nashville for a couple of days, especially since it didn't work out for me and my family to head to MI for our annual 4th of July trip. On this trip I can honestly say that I relaxed and started to feel a little more like myself. That Sunday we went to the Ripley's Aquarium and had a picture taken just on the other side of the long shark tunnel. When we got the picture back, I was horrified at how I looked. That was the first time in a while that I had seen a full body picture of myself and it was a wake-up call.
When we returned home, I made the decision to give up Coke and Dr. Pepper and to start drinking only water. This helped a little bit and I watched the scale until just after my birthday in Oct and that point I realized I needed to make some major changes. Back in 2012, I had joined Spark People and decided to go back and start up w/ them again and I am so glad that I did.
On Oct 11th, I started a 30 day challenge in which, I drank only water, ate only lean meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and had NO sweets. I also worked out for a minimum of 30 mins a day, 5 days a week. The no sweets part was extremely difficult, but w/ much prayer and support I made it through the 30 days.
At this point, making healthy choices was easier b/c I had made it a habit. I have nothing but positive things to say about Spark People! It can be a little time consuming b/c I have to track everything I eat as well as everything I do in my workouts daily. The other wonderful thing is that Spark People is about educating it's members and they believe in helping people make a lifestyle change, rather than just going on a diet. A diet has a start and end point, but a lifestyle change has a starting point, but no ending point. There are no drinks, shakes, pills or special meals. It's all about learning how to shop, cook, make healthy choices when eating out as well as learning what to do when you are working out.
At this point, I still struggle w/ telling myself that certain foods are "bad," b/c I know that eating an actual serving of one of those foods won't undo all of my work. It has been a challenge to change my mindset. I shared earlier in the post that I gave up cokes and by Christmas, I really wanted one, so I decided that one coke w/ Christmas lunch was fine. My wonderful hubby made sure that there was one in the fridge for me. We sat down to lunch on Christmas Day and I poured the coke over a large glass of ice and took that first sip. Honestly, it wasn't that great and it tasted a little weird. I had also allowed myself to eat low mein, an eggroll and crab ragoon the night before, along w/ pigs in a blanket that morning for breakfast. Yep, my body totally revolted. I was shocked at how a couple of months of clean eating would cause such a revolt from my body. Honestly, now that I know how my body will react, I don't really crave those things too much at this point. I have also learned how to make healthier versions of some of my favorite foods and that way I don't feel deprived.
Through all of this, I had the privilege of starting to take a ballet class on Friday mornings, along w/ continuing to dance on Wed nights at church. At first, the ballet classes were frustrating b/c I knew what I had been capable of doing in the past and I couldn't do it any more. Our ballet instructor is wonderful and patient. He does not become frustrated when I or one of the other ladies makes a mistake. He laughs w/ us, gives us tips on ways to correct the issue and shares stories about his mistakes. On Wed nights, our wonderful leader is also patient and never shows any frustration when anyone makes a mistake. Overall, the ladies in both groups are wonderful and encouraging. Now that I am several months into the lifestyle change, I feel more confident on Wed nights and Fri mornings. My technique is still far from perfect and there are still some moves that I struggle w/, but it is slowly starting to come back.
The wonderful thing from my Wed night group is that I had some cheerleaders emerge that I never expected. When I would hit a plateau or get frustrated, I had a group cheering me on and helping me over the hurdles. Even now that I am so close to my goal, these ladies are still cheering me on and encouraging me. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to put these wonderful ladies in my life!
I have to take time to talk about my wonderful hubby. He has definitely been my biggest cheerleader through it all. He has tolerated the food "makeover" in the house and told me from day that he thinks I am beautiful, even when I felt like anything but. He doesn't get angry when he suggests something for dinner and I tell him "it's not on my plan." My hubby has made sure that I have had the time I needed to get in my workouts, even if that means he sits upstairs with the kids during nap time instead of working in his office, so I could be in the basement. When you have a supportive hubby, it really does make all the difference in the world.
As of last Sat, I have lost 31.6 lbs and am now down to my last 10 lbs. I have not taken any more measurements, so I can't state how many inches I have lost at this point. I have dropped 3 pant sizes and 2 sizes in shirts. I shared on FB that I had a Kohl's gift card and ended up purchasing a pair of pants in a size that I have not seen in almost 10 yrs.
I now have more energy to keep up w/ my kids and keep up w/ things that I need to do around the house. I don't dread looking in the mirror or having my picture taken. The Lord opened a door for me to work a small contract position w/ in my church for a few hours a week and I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now than I was last summer. Some days are still hard and cause me to want to head out and pick up my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry's or a bag of Doritos, but I know that it won't help and that it will only open the door to start heading back in the wrong direction and instead I pray or work out.
The one thing I hope anyone takes away from reading this, is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The weight didn't come on over night and it won't come off over night. Find a support system. Some of those people will come from your inner circle and some will come from places you never expected. Take it one day at a time. If you look at how far you still have to go, it will only discourage you. Look at the small steps you have taken and be proud of what you have accomplished. Know that in the end it will all be worth it. Plateaus happen! Don't give up. Look at what you are doing and then evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. This is about getting healthy and not getting to a number on the scale or getting into a certain size in jeans. Yes, having goals is important, but looking at the overall picture and getting to a place where you feel healthy and feel good about yourself is important. The last thing is find verses, passages of scripture to help you along the way and definitely make sure prayer is a part of this journey. The Lord does care and sometimes the only way to make it through a work out or walking past the ice cream in the grocery store is through prayer.
Check out Spark People if you are looking for a place to start. It is 100% free and you set your own goals or have the choice to join group goals. I am a huge fan and would highly recommend it to anyone. The message boards are full of supportive people and there is even a place to post and get a response directly from a Spark Coach.
http://sparkpeople.com/
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, or if you just need some encouragement to get started, I am here.
Praying blessings over all of you and that the Lord will allow 2014 to be an incredible year.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Working Wife vs House Wife
Ok, so I'm not really going to debate which is better because, I feel the Lord calls us to different things at different times in our lives and I don't feel that any one is really better than the other given your circumstances. That being said, this is a struggle for me because I have worked full time since I graduated from college and had worked at least part time prior to that.
Since all of this started back in May, I have heard more than once that it is not my job as a wife to provide for my family. While I understand the Biblical concept, it's honestly hard for me to accept. There is a verse that my wonderful, godly husband takes to heart and it is: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). As a wife, this makes me swell with pride that I have a husband who takes his role as provider seriously and seeks to honor the Lord as he leads our family, but what is my responsibility?
My struggle comes in when I see the balance in the check book and our savings account and feel like I should be working to help my husband bring in income and help provide for our family. I'll be honest in that the Lord has provided for all of our needs since we prayed and came to the decision that I was coming home at least for the time being, but I feel like I should be doing more. Yes, this is probably more of an issue of fear than anything else, but I worry about our bills and making sure that our needs are provided for. ALL of our bills have been paid and we are not in danger of losing anything at this point and for that I am thankful. I also hate to see the look on my husband's face when he is balancing the checkbook.
All of this to say, I still struggle with whether or not I need to seek out at least some sort of part time job and even with that would it be complete disobedience for me, in this moment to seek out work? There is a ministry desire that has been growing inside of me for several years and I honestly pray the Lord will open doors and allow me to start speaking at least once a month and bring in some income through those speaking engagements. I am also hoping to teach a short term ladies' Bible study through our church later on in the fall and know that even if that is the door the Lord opens, that I am still walking in obedience.
Walking in obedience even when there is fear is difficult. I desire to live a life without fear and in complete and total obedience to the Lord. If you know me well, then you know that I thrive when I know there is security. Right now, my husband and I are walking in complete and total faith and reliance on the Lord. Yes, this is what we should always do, but I kind of like to "take control" when I can because I fear the unknown.. The next several months or even upcoming year will be a test of my faith and a time of growth for me. I can only hope and pray that at the end of this chapter I can look back and know the Lord was pleased with how I handled each situation presented and that I responded in faith instead of out of fear.
Since all of this started back in May, I have heard more than once that it is not my job as a wife to provide for my family. While I understand the Biblical concept, it's honestly hard for me to accept. There is a verse that my wonderful, godly husband takes to heart and it is: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). As a wife, this makes me swell with pride that I have a husband who takes his role as provider seriously and seeks to honor the Lord as he leads our family, but what is my responsibility?
My struggle comes in when I see the balance in the check book and our savings account and feel like I should be working to help my husband bring in income and help provide for our family. I'll be honest in that the Lord has provided for all of our needs since we prayed and came to the decision that I was coming home at least for the time being, but I feel like I should be doing more. Yes, this is probably more of an issue of fear than anything else, but I worry about our bills and making sure that our needs are provided for. ALL of our bills have been paid and we are not in danger of losing anything at this point and for that I am thankful. I also hate to see the look on my husband's face when he is balancing the checkbook.
All of this to say, I still struggle with whether or not I need to seek out at least some sort of part time job and even with that would it be complete disobedience for me, in this moment to seek out work? There is a ministry desire that has been growing inside of me for several years and I honestly pray the Lord will open doors and allow me to start speaking at least once a month and bring in some income through those speaking engagements. I am also hoping to teach a short term ladies' Bible study through our church later on in the fall and know that even if that is the door the Lord opens, that I am still walking in obedience.
Walking in obedience even when there is fear is difficult. I desire to live a life without fear and in complete and total obedience to the Lord. If you know me well, then you know that I thrive when I know there is security. Right now, my husband and I are walking in complete and total faith and reliance on the Lord. Yes, this is what we should always do, but I kind of like to "take control" when I can because I fear the unknown.. The next several months or even upcoming year will be a test of my faith and a time of growth for me. I can only hope and pray that at the end of this chapter I can look back and know the Lord was pleased with how I handled each situation presented and that I responded in faith instead of out of fear.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
New Year for the Kids.
Today, my kids started their new school year and I almost made it out of the building without any tears, but when I went to say goodbye to my daughter, I lost that battle. I love my kids and am thankful that they are healthy and growing, but I would like to slow time down just a little bit.
My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.
My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.
Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.
In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.
My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.
Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.
Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.
My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.
My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.
My youngest started his second year and has big brother's teacher from last year. He is just as cute and lovable as ever and I know that he will make sure his teacher has all the hugs she needs as she goes through this year. He will also keep her on her toes, given that he loves to climb and has rightfully earned the nickname "monkey boy." I know before I blink that he will be ending this year and will probably be taller than his older siblings and will be talking up a blue streak.
My middle son started his third year and is right next door to his little brother. His teacher shared that he and little brother had a great time playing together on the slide. My middle child will always look out for his younger brother and he loves to be a "big helper" to anyone who will let him help. This one is also our little entertainer and is definitely daddy's "mini me" in almost all ways. Can't wait to hear to his teacher share stories about how he had the teacher and the class laughing. He definitely has a huge heart and a larger than life personality.
Last, but certainly not least, is my daughter. This is her fourth and final year at this school. I am still having a hard time believing that she is in her last year, thus the tears this morning. She is so confident in who she is and would spend all of her time with friends if we let her. she is a natural born leader and our little social butterfly. My husband and I were given a form to fill out for her that asks some basic information about what she likes and our goals for her for this school year. Part of me wants to write out a long list of academic goals, but the other part of me wants her to enjoy just being a little girl before she has to start "big girl school" aka kindergarten in the fall. She loves life and loves to learn and has a grand imagination.
In talking with my sister, I have a nephew starting middle school and my niece starting high school next month. (They are lucky and MI state law does not allow school to start until after the Labor Day holiday). It's hard to believe that they have grown up so much and so quickly. It seems just like yesterday that they were the same age as my kids and I was visiting them over a break, reading them books and doing night night songs with them and now they are all grown up and ready for new adventures.
My nephew and my middle son are so much alike and share so many personality traits. He is smart and loves all things geeky. He also likes to spend time with friends, but very much enjoys coming home and spending time at home with just the family. Looking forward to hearing about all his new adventures this school year.
Then there is my lovely niece. She is also quite the social butterfly and loves to spend time with her friends and getting involved in several different activities. My heart about stopped when my sister told me that she is taking driver's ed this summer. How did my little preemie of a niece become old enough to take driver's ed? She loves dance and theater and also has a large personality.
Looking back over many years, including when my niece and nephew were little, it's hard to believe that the years have flown by as fast as they have. I was telling my sister in a phone conversation, that if time has gone by as quickly as it has with my niece and nephew growing up, I can only imagine how quickly it will go by with my own children.
My sister and brother-in-law have set the bar pretty high when it comes to marriage and raising wonderful children. No, they are not perfect, but they have worked and set limits even it was not the most popular thing to do. My niece and nephew are loving, caring and helpful young adults and I can only hope that my children follow in their footsteps.
My prayer for all five kids and my hubby's nieces and nephews is that they all have a wonderful school year and experience many wonderful adventures.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Changes and Challenges
Change is never easy and challenges arise even when the change is desired and that is where I currently find myself. Coming home was a decision that my husband and I prayed about and felt that the Lord was leading in that direction and has shown us in several ways that we have made the correct choice. That being said, I am now trying to figure out who I am and where do I go from here?
I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.
My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.
I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.
When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.
I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.
I worked part time all through college and then have had a full time job since then. When asked "What do you do for a living?" I had a response. Now, I am struggling to answer that question. Yes, I am now a house wife and a stay at home mom, but is that it? Not saying that being a wife and mother is not a huge calling, but after having other titles behind my name for so long, this seems a little weird and may take some time to become more comfortable with this new place in my life.
My husband and I are also used to our space, so me being home is bringing about a new challenge even within our marriage. He needs his space to work and I need my space to be me. That sounds a little weird and might even be a negative to some who read this, but for us it is a positive. With me being home, he has been able to spend more time down in his office, rather than sitting at his laptop in the dining room, which has been a positive for him. I thrive on structure and routine and still don't quite have one figured out at this time, but I know that as the kids get back into school, that this will come.
I am also realizing that I need this season in my life to be productive on several fronts. I would like to be much more involved in the school where my kids attend and be more hands on with my kids in general. Earlier this week, I met with one of the pastors at our church and he challenged me to spend a minimum of thirty minutes every day writing on my blog and posting, even if right now only a small handful of people are reading it. There are several books that others have recommended/ strongly suggested that I read and I hope to make time to do more reading than I have in the past couple of years. Exercise also needs to find its way back into my daily routine.
When I was talking to that pastor, we also discussed the possibility of me leading a Bible study one morning a week at least for a short time and then decide where to go from there. I am hoping to make it to Lifeway at some point soon and look at several different studies and then report which one(s) I am interested in teaching. This would hopefully be a step in the right direction for me and help me build confidence as I move forward in starting a new ministry.
I am also hoping to use this time at home to start building Mirror Mirror Ministries. At this point, I would like to target wives/ mothers as well as female relationships in general. SO.... Given, that I am throwing that out there, if any of your churches are looking for a speaker/ break out leader for a women's conference/ retreat, feel free to give me a call and I would be thrilled to come and speak about what the Lord has been building inside of me for the past several years.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Aug 1st and a Mixed Ball of Emotions.
It's Aug 1st and I will be honest, that I felt a little lost when I woke up this morning. Typically, today would have my alarm going off around 5:30a and me heading out the door a little before 7:00a, attempting to eat breakfast while choking back tears and the overwhelming feelings of mommy guilt. I would pull into the parking lot, give myself a little pep talk, telling myself that the kids are in great hands with their father and there are little people in this school that I need to help. I would look in the mirror to make sure my face wasn't too blotchy, put on my happy camper face and walk into the school ready to face a new year.
This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.
I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.
I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.
This morning, I was actually able to sleep until almost 7:00a, which in our house, is a total luxury. Munchkin came in curled up beside me and we talked and watched videos on my hubby's phone until almost 8:00a. At this point I went to living room and hung out w/ the boys until my hubby came home from walking the dog and then we all ate a breakfast of cereal together as a family. This is semi typical of a summer morning for us, but not so much as what would be considered a work day for me. I was here to put kids down for naps and was here when they woke up. I was here to fix them lunch and was able to watch my boys do all of the moves on "Tree Fu Tom" and have them excitedly tell me that they were "big helpers to Tom." Right now, they are all in munchkin's room happily playing with her doll house.
I looked on Facebook this morning and saw all of the back to school posts and pictures, and the posts of my former school based therapist co-workers seemed to jump off the screen at me. They were heading to their perspective schools and I was home. Home, a place where I have longed to be since my three precious children were born. A place where I feel like I am making more of an eternal difference than in the work place. Also, today, home feels a little off. I feel excited about the possibilities ahead, being home w/ my husband and children, helping out more at my kids' school and more hands on with things on the home front overall. But, it also brings about feelings of confusion, frustration and yes, even a little guilt. Still trying to wrap my head around how I even landed in this position. Frustration, that another company didn't call me back for a second interview, no phone calls from other resumes submitted and somewhat feeling guilty over the fact that I am not longer contributing financially to the family. Also, feeling completely relieved that I am in a new chapter and no longer dealing with the mommy guilt about spending so much of the week with children other than my own.
I still don't know what the future holds or where the Lord will lead, but I do know that my husband and I have seen the Lord's hand over us all summer. Shortly after we made the decision for me to stop pursuing another full time position and to come home and be "mom" we saw an increase in my hubby's business. Summer months are traditionally slow for him, but this summer he has stayed busy and all of our needs were provided and very thankful for that. This summer did not allow the trips and the extras that we normally enjoy since we are down to one income, but we have made the most of the summer. We pray that the Lord continues to bless my hubby and that with me at home, some of his work goals and dreams will finally come true. Praying that the Lord blesses this chapter in our family and that we can enjoy being a family of 5 more often than we have in the past.
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