A Wretched Pandemic of a Year

I started this as a FB post, but then realized it was way too long. It's also been way too long since I've updated my blog, so here you go: One year ago today, was our last full day at the beach. It was also the day my hubby started texting me that he was losing gigs left and right. The amount of money in gigs lost was insane. I was struggling to wrap my head around it. The tears fell on and off all day long. One of my besties made a Walmart run and reported back there was no TP on any of the shelves. Text messages from my husband continued to roll in. Texts from other friends and posts on FB sent me over the edge. There, in one of my favorite places, I had a full blown panic attack. I couldn't believe it, any of it. My other bestie wisely snuck me out of the condo before the kids could see me. We took a walk to give me a chance to calm down. The next morning we packed up the van and headed back to TN. Based on information we received I decided we needed to stop at the Walmart in my hometown of Ozark, AL. I was sure my hometown wouldn't let me down on this mission. I was almost in tears to see the shelves so empty. We then continued our trek home and stopped at the Dollar General in Brundidge, AL. There were 2 packs of TP left. I took one and my bestie took the other. We made it home and then the nightmare really began.

Not only had our sweet just taken a hit due to a tornado, we were now facing a pandemic. Because we ate down our fridge and pantry before this trip, we desperately needed food. I made stops at 4 different stores and circled back to our Kroger and it was awful. I watched a woman clear and entire box of pizzas into her cart. She had also done this with multiple other items and her cart was over flowing. I was just trying to get the basics. At that point all I wanted was a single back of frozen chicken breasts and the freezer section was pretty well bare. I had a pretty ugly meltdown there in the frozen section. I wanted to scream at the people with overflowing buggies. I wanted them to share what they had, so I could get food for my family. Like so many other families, we settled for what we could find.

I shared my family snuck out of town for a few days this week. Saturday night I fought off a panic attack. I wanted to go to Kroger and buy all. the. things. I was terrified to go out of town and not make sure we were stocked. Honestly, I have done my best to keep us stocked. Sunday afternoon, I picked up a pack of TP and a pack of paper towels. I picked up chicken strips, popcorn chicken, chips and some snacks, a few other smaller things on top of what we needed for the trip. In the back of my mind I "knew" I could come home and have what we needed to make meals through the first part the upcoming week, but I was so scared to not have a little extra at the house.

Honestly, I don't know if the fear or anxiety caused by empty shelves will ever allow me to go on a trip and not be concerned. I have talked to several others who share the same fear. It's crazy that one year in a pandemic affected us on so many levels. I don't share this for sympathy. I share this to let you know that you are NOT alone in your fears or anxiety. Yes, I am dealing with the anxiety with a professional. If you are getting ready to head out of town pick up what you need keep your anxiety as low as possible. If an extra pack of TP, paper towels, a large jar of PB, jelly, chips, crackers or even Chef-Boy-Ardee make you feel better, than do it. Your piece of mind is worth it.

We have survived a year of pandemic. We have survived a year of several styles of schooling. We have gone long periods of time without hugging our loved ones. We have been scared. We have cried an ocean of tears. We have struggled with anxiety. We have watched our kids deal with big emotions. We have felt lost and even helpless as how to help them. We have said goodbye to friends and loved ones due to Covid and not been able to attend their funerals. We have yelled and screamed at the Lord and questioned where He has been. (Just me? Ok). In this day and age this all seems impossible. It's almost like we have been living more in the 1800s than our current time.
We are sick of wearing masks. We are hoping and praying the vaccine will allow us to return to some semblance of normalcy. We are hoping and praying to return to large gatherings (maybe?) and to have our families together again. Our sweet town is still rebuilding from the tornado. I would be remiss not to mention we also survived a dereche in May, which caused almost as much damage as the tornado. There is not a place in town where you can't see some remnant of the tornado/ dereche. I posted a week or so ago on FB about how disheartening it was to see fences going up around our church and know that we are finally going to get to start rebuilding. Yet, as I turned to the other side of our church, an elementary school and middle school are still in ruins and there is not a definite timeframe in which those schools will be rebuilt.
There are so many huge feelings around all of this. I am still struggling to wrap my head around all of the events. Again, I know I am far from the only one struggling with these feelings. Our kids will continue to struggle. Honestly, I will never make light of PTSD and as I look at people around me, I see it. Our kids freak out whenever there is even the suggestion of bad weather. When the rain comes down in torrential downpour, the kids are in our room. So many kids now use the term "safe place." It has absolutely nothing to do with emotions, but everything to do with physical safety. It's hard to hear and watch. I have no clue as to how we will move forward and heal from the past year, but I do know I am grateful for my tribe. We survived because we clung to our faith and to each other. There is no way to heal, if we try to do this by ourselves. Seeking out a therapist and/ or taking meds is OK!!!! There is ZERO shame with either. I am sure there will be several more posts as I attempt to process this past year. Honestly, I don't see any of us "getting over" this past year any time soon. Please know I love y'all and have a shoulder to cry on and ears to listen, if you need a safe place to process.

Lessons Learned

The past 15 months have been a roller coaster ride for my family. While I normally truly enjoy roller coasters, this is one I would gladly jump off of if I could. Though I am not a fan of this journey, there are things I have learned along the way. This list is not in any particular order, but it's lessons or things I have learned in the past 15 months.

1) The Lord has a plan. Yes, this a Christina cliche used frequently, but I have had to remind myself over and over again that the past 15 months have not taken the Lord by surprise and there are things that He has wanted me and my family to learn along the way.

2) I am not a fan of change. I am very much a creature of habit and routine. Ok, so this isn't news to me, but the past 15 months have been full of change and I this feeling has been even more reinforced inside of me. I am so ready for things to settle down again and for us to finally settle into our new routine.

3) Life's not fair. Again, not really new news, but over the past 15 mos, I think I have cried out to the Lord more times than I care to admit about life not being fair. Things happen to us and sometimes it down right sucks. That's not a word I use on a regular basis, but sometimes there is no other word that fits. There are times when we look at our circumstances and feel like life is out for our jugulars and we want to shout to the world "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!" There are times when it looks like others around us are thriving and we struggling to barely tread water. We wonder why the Lord chose us to go down this path and go through these trials instead of letting us have a smooth ride.

4) I still stink at asking for help. Over the past 15 months, there are times when I should have asked for help from different people and it's still a struggle. I guess I would rather deal with things on my own, than ask for help. The sad thing is that there are people who would have been willing to step in and help if only I would have let them. Pride has been something that I continue to struggle to swallow. All my life I have been independent and I would rather people see me that way than to appear "weak" and ask for help. I have cried out to the Lord for help in my prayers, but yet not opened my mouth to certain people even though I know I should have.

5) My marriage is probably stronger than it's ever been. We have had 2 choices in this time period.We could either lean on each other and work together as a team or turn on each other. I praise the Lord that I have such and incredible husband. He has made sacrifices for this family and chosen to lead the way rather than run and hide, even though it would have been easy to do so. He and I have had some extremely difficult conversations over the past 15 months, but in the end, we have chosen to be on the same page, working towards a common goal. I won't say that we have not had arguments or disagreed, but in the end we have both decided to work for the common good of our family rather than our own selfish wants and desires.

6) There is a huge difference between wants and needs. While I have known that there is a different between the 2, this past 15 mos has put that in a whole new perspective. I can do without hummus, so that my kids can have milk. Even though it's been difficult, we can survive on just one car. There are times when buying a generic brand of something is truly the only option. Aldi's can save a grocery budget. Date nights can happen at home. When life throws a curve ball, the savings account becomes almost non-existent and the checking account is close to E, sacrifices can be made and you will survive.

7) Even though children should not be made the center of the universe in your family, there are times when they absolutely have to come first. This summer has been incredibly hard on my children, especially on my daughter. It's important to communicate with your children about the plans for the family and allowing them to be a part of the process. They need to be allowed to grieve their losses. When we found out we were moving into a tiny 1000 sq ft apartment until we can close on the new house, they came first. While we threw the large majority of our stuff in storage, most of their stuff came to the apartment. They have their favorite toys, their bikes and scooter. They have all of their books and coloring books. With only one shared bathtub, we brought their shower curtain. There is kitchen stuff that was sent to Goodwill or put in storage, but they have all of their plates, cup and silverware. Treats that we would typically not allow, have been given. They have had a few extra desserts and special treats. Routine has been disrupted, but we have done what we can to make sure that school and church routine haven't changed. The kids have been clingy and extra cuddly and we have allowed it. We have told them that we love them a little more than they are used to hearing, even though it's something they are used to hearing through out the day.

8) The upside of losing weight is that I have felt better about myself and had more energy. The downside is that I have needed to buy more clothes, even when the budget hasn't allowed it. My mom has stepped in on several occasions and made sure that I have had clothes. I should add that my kids have had fall/ winter and spring/summer clothes in large part to my mother. Yes, that has been hard for me to swallow. Truly having an excuse to go shopping has been great, but, yes but, it has been a great source of guilt for me over the past year. Right now I am looking at my closet and realizing that I am smaller now that I was last winter, which means I need a whole new winter wardrobe. It seems odd to me that the Lord would start me down this path in spite of budget issues. It's a good thing that I am not a name brand snob and I don't care about the latest and newest fashion trends. I tend to shop at the clearance racks at the outlet malls and have made some pretty impressive clothing scores over the past several months.

9) I am so thankful for my church family. On the days that I have felt the lowest, being around them has helped me more than words can say. The Lord has blessed me with an incredible group of friends and my Wed night Dance Ministry Ladies mean more to me than I could ever express. Dance is my favorite form of worship and to have the privilege of doing that along side this group of ladies is truly a blessing. Choir is a close second. To be a part of a group that leads worship every single Sunday is incredible. Dance and choir have been the 2 things that have kept me going over the past 15 months, when I wanted to throw in the towel and quit. In the past week, we have seen our connect group be the hands and feet of Christ for us and helped us transition from the house to the apartment.

10) Anxiety stinks. While I have never had a full blown anxiety attack and have never been on meds, I have felt the physical and emotional affects of anxiety. I have never experienced insomnia on the level that I have in the past 15 months. For me it has been about feeling a lack of control over a situation. I am a control freak and struggle when I feel I have zero control over a situation. It's amazing how boring things can be online at 2 o'clock in the morning. It is also amazing that your heart can be racing and your palms can be so sweaty and others around you don't have a clue. Thankfully, I have had some healthy coping skills in place or I would be a hot mess. Reading and music are the best ways for me to take a step back and take a deep breath. Also, getting a good run/ walk or workout have also helped tremendously. I have felt like a failure as Christian because I have experienced so much anxiety in the past 15 months, BUT, I know that so many Christians experience this and that I am not alone. (If you ever struggle with anxiety at point where you can't control it or feel so out of control you don't know what to do, I do suggest talking to your PCP or a therapist about the issue. Also, there is no shame in taking meds. It is no different than taking meds for diabetes or any other issue).

11) There is a verse that has continued to show up over and over again during this time: "I will instruct you and show you the way to go; with My eye on you, I will give counsel" Psalm 31:8. It shouldn't amaze me that during a time like this that the Lord would bring about a specific verse over and over again, but I am. It has been a constant reminder that my family and I are not alone. The Lord has never left our side, even in the times that I felt He has been completely silent. In spite of the craziness of the past 15 months, I have seen the hand of the Lord over and over again and we have yet to be left without the things that we need. We have seen the Lord open doors that we never imagined could be opened and it's given us a sense of encouragement in the midst of our struggles.

12) Apartment life isn't as bad as I thought it would be. We have only been in our apartment for 1 week as of today, but my family has a roof over our head and it's going to allow us to pay off a little more debt. Our building is actually mostly town homes with a few one bedroom units. We have only met a couple of our neighbors, but so far everyone has been kind and welcoming. The sweet lady who lives under us, brought my kids a container of homemade chocolate chip cookies. My kids have enjoyed having a swimming pool and I have enjoyed getting play with them and forgetting that the rest of the world exists. We will get to enjoy the luxury of the pool through Labor Day. While the space is a good bit smaller than I would have liked, our family is together. My boys think it's a great adventure, while munchkin would prefer to be back in her old room and have the ability to go play on her tire swing. We have assured our kids over and over again, that as long we are all together, that we are good. We have also allowed our kids to be a part of the prayers for our new house and allowed them to dream and tell us what they hope for in their new rooms.

13) Banks take their sweet and precious time. I wish I could say that I have been pleased and patient on this front, but that would be a bold faced lie. When I talked with our agent last week, he told us that realistically, it will be Thanksgiving or the first part of December before we can close. I will tell you that I was not a happy camper with this news. Buying a short sale house is the best choice for us because we get more bang for our buck, but the process is a pain in the rear. I would think the bank would want to go ahead and let us close, so they have one less thing to worry about, but apparently, they really are not in any hurry. 

14) I am so not a patient person. Ok, again not really anything new, especially to the people who know me best. This process of having to move from our home into an apartment until we can move into our new home stinks. I hate the waiting.  Can I just say it again? I hate, yes hate, the waiting. If I had my way, when we put in our offer at the end of July, we would have closed the very next week. I am so ready to be in our new home and settled. I am ready to decorate our home in a way that shows who we are and our tastes. I am ready to give my kids the rooms of their dreams. My daughter wants a "horsey" room. She has picked out pink paint and all sorts of things for her room. My boys are looking forward to their "Roll Tide" and "Go Titans" room. We have also decided to add a Nerf basketball hoop, since my boys enjoy "taking it to the hoop" with each other. I am also ready to finally have a master retreat.So, this may be a little on the shallow side, but to finally have something that is ours is a huge deal. We want it to be the place our kids grow up and I hope it will be the home they come home to on their weekend visits from college and I also hope that one day our new home will welcome spouses for our children and maybe even our grandchildren.

15) I hate moving. There is nothing fun about the moving process. There are boxes and packing and clearing out of things. I am convinced that you can see a person's true colors in the moving process. Yes, there have been many tears and many "screw it" moments over the past month and a half, but we have survived the first of 2 moves. Moving should probably be a blog post in an of itself, but I promise I won't bore you with that type of post.

16) The amount of "stuff" accumulated in 5.5 years is insane. Granted, when we moved in, I was 7.5 months pregnant with munchkin and we would then go on to have our 2 sweet boys. There was a great deal of "stuff" that we brought into the marriage, moved from TX to our first rental in TN and then into the house. "The Great Purge of 2014" was liberating. My husband joked that the guys at Goodwill were treating him like Norm from "Cheers." I am pretty sure that for every load we took to the storage unit, we took at least 2 loads to Goodwill. In the last days of our move, we hit the point where we threw things into a garbage bag and took it to the dump. Now that we are in the apartment, we need to start making it a little more liveable. I am pretty sure that Goodwill has not seen the last of us. We have seen the need to move as a blessing to declutter our mess.

17) The Lord CAN handle my frustration and questions. So many times Christians are not given permission to question the Lord and are made to feel that it's wrong. I have news for you, It's OK! He CAN take it. Now, we can't camp out there and refuse to move forward, but why lie to the Lord in your prayers when he already knows how you feel? He may not give an answer as to why are we going through the things we are going through, but He can take the questions and it's much better to release to it to Him, than to hold onto it.

18) Getting into debt is just plain dumb. I do understand that life happens and there are times when it happens even though we don't want it to, but most of our debt is caused by poor choices. Poor financial choices made 9 yrs ago can come back and bite you in the rear. It only takes a minute to destroy your credit, but it can take almost a decade to improve it. If there is any one thing I could pass on to newly wed couples, it would be to make wise financial decisions or dreams can and will be put on hold for much longer than you ever imagined. We do not follow Dave Ramsey to the letter, but we have taken and applied his basic principles and it's helped us to move forward. I hope to one day stand in Financial Peace Plaza and scream "Debt Free" at the very top of my lungs and praise the Lord that we finally made it.

19) This morning our pastor preached a sermon on "Are We There Yet?" While he was talking about our church, where we have been and we are headed, I thought about our own journey, where we have been in the past 15 months and where are headed in the next several months and the year ahead. The answer is "no." Reality is, that we never truly "arrive." There are times of peace of coasting, but there are always lessons to be learned and stinky things that happen in life. We won't truly arrive until we have entered the pearly gates of Heaven. At that point, it's finished and life will cease to stink and we will spend the rest of eternity celebrating in the presence of our Lord and Savior.

20) I pray that next summer is boring and uneventful. By the time we hit next summer I will have been out of full time work for 2 full years and been working part time for our church for about 18 mos. My hubby and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary and our cruise will once again have been put on hold thanks to life. We are hoping for a long weekend in Gatlinburg. I am also hoping that next summer will consist of play dates through our church and our annual trip to my sister's house up in MI, but other than that I hope it is completely uneventful!

21) Surrendering your dog sucks! Crimson was our first child. Letting her go was one of the hardest things I have done and pray that I never have to do it again. When we found out we had to move, we worked like crazy to find a person, family or organization to foster her until we had keys to our new place and it didn't happen. When we thought we would have to surrender her to the one place we feared the most, a friend gave the name of one of her friends. This lady worked at the "dreaded place," BUT she had connections. I started communicating with her via FB messaging and in the absolute last minute we took our precious Crimson to the "dreaded place." The upside is that we had a friendly face and the hope of our girl going to a rescue. A few days later, this lady called and delivered the news that Crimson was going to a rescue. While she has been in the shelter for almost a week, on Tues, she will head to a rescue where she will be loved and spoiled. I wouldn't wish this process on anyone, but I have the peace of knowing that my girl won't be put down for no good reason. It will probably be a good long while before I could adopt another dog, I am thankful to have had Crimson for almost 8yrs. This has also been hard on my hubby and the kids. My hubby misses his morning walks with her and my kids want to know when we will see Crimson again. We have told them that we needed to share her and that she is now living on a farm and is a happy as she can be.

22) Looking to the future is important. It keeps you from feeling stuck in your current circumstance. If I only looked at what has happened in the past 15 months, especially since the end of June, I would find a hole to go and hide and not come out again. For my husband and I to have the ability to look at our kids and our current circumstance and say to each other "it's only temporary," is comforting. There will come a time when we get to move into what we hope will be our "forever home" and not ever have to move again. Looking to the future gives us hope and something to look forward to. We can talk with our kids about the future and what it will hold for them. We can talk about the things they will have in the future and it takes a little of the sting away from here and now.

23) Tears happen. Over the past 15 months, I have shed more tears than I care to count. Some of been out of pure frustration and some have been of pure joy when the Lord has stepped in and provided in the very last minute. Some have have been shed in those times when I have felt that "life's not fair." Some have been shed in complete and total worship to our Lord. Some have been shed when I felt like giving up and walking away. Some have been shed because I felt totally overwhelmed. I look forward a day when the tears are only out of joy and not sorrow or frustration.

24) One of the books I read this summer was "A Scarlet Cord of Hope" by my new friend Sheryl Griffin. There is a blog post coming later on about the books that I have read this summer, there is something that stood out in her book and that was "handing over the keys to my husband." Too many times I have tried to hold onto them and not let my hubby handle the things that he is called to handle. There are times that I have had to look at him and say out loud "I am giving your the keys." This is not a literal handing over of the keys, but it's important. I am not a fan of the wife having no voice and no control over situations, but I think there are times when our husbands need to be the one to handle things. Our husbands are called to be the heads of our homes and to sometimes stand between his family and a stinky situation. For a control freak like me, this has been much easier said than done, but there have been times, especially this summer, that it's been needed and I can't say that I have a regretted a single situation where I have let him "take the keys."

25) Compromise is a part of life. Ok, again, not completely new, but the past 15 months have been full of compromise. In the grand scheme of eternity, they haven't been that bad. In the here and now it stinks. To give up something you want so that others can have what they need or to make a wretched situation more peaceful, it's an evil necessary. 

26) My grandmother used to say "This too shall pass." In spite of everything going on, this is only a temporary season in our life. One day we will look back on the past 15 months and see His hand. We will see where He has led us and guided us and  how lessons learned in this time will allow us to make better decisions in the other situations.

27) Dreams may be on hold for a time, but it won't be forever. My dreams of someday doing women's ministry hasn't disappeared, but I don't think it's for the here and now. I had the privilege of speaking at our Mother's Bible Study on a Tues morning and I loved every minute of it! I pray that the Lord will open the doors for me to continue speaking and that my experiences will help to encourage others in their experiences.

28) Transparency and authenticity are important. While I have been to say "What you see it what you get," it's probably not the most accurate statement. Yes, I am consistent across the board in how I act, what you see is not always what is under the surface. Many times, there is a conflict between the inner self and what I present. I fear that too many people are walking around the same. On the outside, life seems fine, but in reality there is turmoil underneath. When I started this blog, my goal was complete and total transparency, but the reality is I have not 100% succeeded in that goal. I have hidden things that I should have allowed to come to the light. I think that our churches should be hospitals for sinners and not country clubs for the saints, this can't happen until the "saints" take off their masks and let down their guards. If we don't have permission to be transparent in our churches, then where do we have permission to do so?" It's time we let down our guard and walked through this crazy life together.

I am sure that after I post this, there will be other lessons that will pop into my head and I will wish that I had added them, but hopefully you will see where we have been in the past 15 months. If you are in a lousy place in life, I hope that somehow, someway you have found encouragement in this list. I hope you realize that feelings of frustration are completely normal. I also hope you realize that there is hope and that the Lord will never leave us alone and in those times when you can't see His hand, that you will have the faith to know that it's still there.

Authentic Female Relationships

This post is for the ladies. Yes, guys, your friendships are important, but this is post is to address some issues within female relationships.

When I look at the ladies in my circle, I find myself looking at them in layers kind of like an onion. In the very inner circle there are only two. In the layer beyond that there are four. Beyond that, I start putting ladies from church and other areas of my life in the outer layers. Honestly, I don't have a wide circle of close friends. I get along with most people, but there aren't many that I share my life with on a regular basis.

In the group of six, personalities differ. Some are married and some are single. All have at least college degrees and some hold higher degrees. All love the Lord and seek to serve Him using their specific talents and abilities. There are two that will I can count on to call a spade a spade and won't spare any punches when we talk. These are two that I can count on to tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. A third one comes pretty close to fitting into that category, but she sometimes holds back. The other three are amazing cheerleaders. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, these are the six that I know I can count on and will pray for me and with me when needed. I have known some of these ladies since college, others I met when I moved to Nashville and the last part of the crew I met in seminary out in TX. These are friendships that mean the world to me and I can't imagine my life without this group of ladies.

Beyond this group, I have been blessed with some amazing friends at our church. In August we will only have been at our church for two years, so these are relatively new relationships and I can see them moving into the third ring of my world quickly. In my journey to live a healthier lifestyle, there are two ladies who have cheered me on and encouraged me when I have become discouraged and frustrated. They have also set challenges before me and cheered me on when I met and succeeded those challenges. There is another lady, who just makes me laugh. and all of us are a part of one of the ministries within our church, so there is corporate worship among the four of us on an almost weekly basis. There is another lady from church that has been a great source of encouragement for me over the past year. She also seems have an extra line straight to the Lord's ear. Through out the transition that my family has been in the past year, she has probably encouraged me the most in my walk with the Lord.

Why do I share all of this? I am guessing that many of you reading this could probably name those best girlfriends in your inner most circle and the layers beyond that. These friends are a true blessing from the Lord and have been placed in our lives  and us in theirs for a reason. These are the friends that we look forward to hanging out with whether it be a girls' night out or just vegging out and talking. These are the ones you can go long periods of time without seeing and yet, when you finally catch up, it's like you have never missed a second together. Even with all of this, these are very ladies we spend time comparing ourselves to and even at times feel like we are in competition with them. At times, it's almost like we have a love hate relationship with them.

In my own circle, there are times when I feel inferior and feel like if I were more like them, then I would be a better wife, mother or friend. Even though none of the ladies in any my circles, play into the mommy wars, I would be willing to bet they could hold their own if they ever had to compete and I would pit some of them to take home the crown.

Why can we as ladies, not be content to be ourselves and not feel the need to compare and compete with each other? I am pretty sure there is some gene within us that causes us to be this way. The very ladies we love are the very ones we spend the most time comparing ourselves to, which in turn causes us to build walls, therefore causing us to miss out on the very best part of our friendships.

We spend so much time with these ladies and yet we keep a part of ourselves from them. There are parts that we are open and share freely and then there are parts which we keep locked and hidden away because we are afraid of what they may think about us. We are afraid of being turned away and rejected. It is easier to play off certain things as fine, rather than allow our closest friends in and experience freedom.

Freedom? Freedom from what or to what? Freedom from isolation. Freedom to be our true selves, if we even know who that is at this point in the game. Freedom to not hide behind our masks. Freedom to release ourselves from fear and shame. I would also go so far to say that we would probably even experience more freedom in our relationships with the Lord because we keep no secrets to ourselves and keep no parts of ourselves hidden away. Issues can be resolved and obstacles overcome with these ladies by our side.

In a world of the Pinerest Mom and Mommy wars, we really need to rally and join forces to do away with both. No, I am not saying that crafty moms need to be taken out, but we need to not feel that we are in competition with others. We need to support one another, instead of judging and looking down our noses at one another. There is no perfect wife or mother. There is no perfect friend. We all have different talents and skill sets. Guess what? That is exactly how the Lord planned it and created us! Instead of comparing ourselves to our friends, celebrate your differences and encourage other in those areas.

Also, I challenge you to take a deep look into your own lives and examine what kind of friend you are as well as how open you are with your friends. Do you think your friends feel like you would be there for them no matter what they said? Do they feel like they can share things with you without being judged?

Also, as you think about this post, think about this in the realm of women's ministries across the country. So many times we go to an event and we hear about the woman at the well and the Proverbs 31 woman. Then, there is time spent talking about keeping house, beauty, crafts, etc... Not that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but what if we spent time exploring and encouraging each other to be real, to shed the masks and let our true selves shine through? What if we actually encouraged each other to share our struggles and were willing to get down and dirty and lift our sisters out of the holes that so many have dug themselves? What if we spent more time talking about authenticity than creating the perfect home? What if we encouraged each other to truly dig through the scriptures to seek out the answers to so many of life's questions? What would happen if we did away with so much of the fluff and spent more time chewing on good and hearty meat?

What if we totally redefined what it means to be a godly woman? No, I am not saying that we do away with biblical definition or roles of women, but I am saying let's stop pretending to be meek and mild when we know that we are so much more? Let's face it, the Lord created some of us to be feisty and outspoken and He created so many of our friends that way as well. How would ministries within the church change if we were more authentic and allowed those around us to be more authentic?

None of this can happen if we are not honest with ourselves about our strengths and weaknesses, nor can it happen if we are not open with the ladies in our circle of friends. Friendships are important in growing not only as a person, but in our spiritual walks as well. It's time to put aside our pride, allow others in, allow the Lord to use our friends to speak in and through our lives to live our lives and serve the Lord to the fullest.

I encourage you to pick up the phone and call or text your closest circle and talk, I mean really talk. Have conversations with them that you have not had in a good long while or maybe even ever. Get real with each other, encourage each other and then pray with each other. After you have done that a couple of times, start those types of conversations with the ladies in your church. If I were a betting person, I would be willing to bet that the Lord would start to use you and the ladies in your church to impact certain ministries within your church and then start to move that impact beyond the four walls of your church and into your places of work and further out into your communities.

Congruent from the Inside Out

This is a picture that a friend posted on facebook a couple of weeks ago. When I read it, the statement hit my like a ton of bricks and this is the conversation that followed under that picture:

Me: "Sometimes that is so much easier said than done."

Her: "I agree. but if we remind ourselves and keep striving it will become a little easier....and we need other women in our life to also remind and challenge us!"

Me: "This response to the picture and your statement could fill a book. The part about needing other women in our lives encourage and challenge us is probably one of the biggest issues. We live in a society of the Pinterest Mom and mommy wars. There is an expectation on how a woman should look and act. For me personally and several others I know, there is often a conflict b/w the inward and the outward. If most women were honest, I would even go so far as to guess there is often a major contradiction b/w what is presented to the rest of the world and what is going on w/ the inner self. I think part of this comes from the fact that we don't allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable to other women out of fear of not measuring up and seeming weak. Most women will share some of the surface level stuff, but won't let anyone in to the very core. Also, I don't always think there is permission from other women to be that open and honest. It is easier to walk around w/ a mask on than it is to share the struggles of the heart."
Her: "So true and your comment about permission from other women to be that open and honest- is true but I think its out of guilt and fear....wow! lots to think about with your comment...."

Congruent:

mathematics : having the same size and shape

: matching or in agreement with something

So.... Yep, not easy. There are parts of my life that I am an open book and then there are others, I keep shut, locked up so tight that they will never see the light of day. I am guessing that if most of you are honest with yourselves, then you will admit that you are the same way. My question is why? What are we so afraid of? Why can't we be honest with ourselves and with each other?

My friend hit the nail on the head. "Guilt and Fear." We feel guilty for feeling the way we do. We are afraid of what others will think if we actually share our thoughts and feelings out loud. I get it, really I do, because I am just as guilty as the next person, but this is not what we are told to do in scripture:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful." James 5:16

"1 Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you won't be tempted also. 2 Carry one another's burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself. 4 But each person should examine his own work, and then he will have a reason for boasting in himself alone, and not in respect to someone else. 5 For each person will have to carry his own load. 6 The one who is taught the message must share his goods with the teacher. 7 Don't be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows he will also reap." Galatians6:1-7

I understand that not everything we keep locked up inside is a sin, but at the same time, it does keep us from feeling complete and total peace. It keeps us from truly connecting with those we love the most. Holding in many of these thoughts and feelings prevent us from knowing true freedom. It brings about the possibility of holding ourselves back and prevents us from moving forward. On the outside everything looks great, but there are certain places on the inside that we may be a complete and total mess.

Going back to my second statement and exploring relationships with those around us, no wonder we run from the very thing that we need to do. We all have a couple of friends who have been through it all with us. They have rejoiced with us in our triumphs. They have allowed us to cry on their shoulders in our lowest moments, and yet, there is a part of us that we still refuse to share. Our friends have proven they have staying power and that they can carry just about anything that life throws at us and yet, we remain silent.

On the outside, we look amazing! We look like we have it all together. We are involved in various ministries within the church. Our marriages look pretty good. Our kids are pretty well behaved. We have perfected the art of answering "I am so blessed." We have taken notes from our theater days and can turn the stressful look into a happy one in an instant as soon as we step out of our cars on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. There are so many times we sit and listen to sermons and feel like the pastor has x-ray vision and can straight through us. During the invitation we want to run and cry at the altar, but yet, we stand calmly in our pews with our feet cemented to the ground. We don't dare give away the fact that we feel like a mess on the inside.

So many times we think we can deal with things on our own. We think that we don't need another person to help us shoulder whatever it is that we are dealing with. We become prideful even in the midst of our darkest hour and in the midst of our greatest pain. We are afraid of being looked down upon by others. We are afraid that we don't measure up to those around us. Failure. Who wants to feel like a failure? None of us do. Not one person thrives on the feelings of not measuring up. In my last blog, I shared the struggles of the previous year and no, I didn't say a word to those in my inner circle. I was too full of pride to let even them in. I hate feeling like a failure and feeling like I don't measure up to those around me.

Sometimes, it is pride and other times, we are afraid of what others may think. We live in a society of the Pinterest Mom and the ever troubling Mommy Wars. We all know her, that one mother who seems to be perfect. Her house is perfect. Her wardrobe is perfect. Her children are perfect and at church, she has her hands in everything and never seems to break a sweat. Then here we come in yoga pants, a baggy t-shirt and our kids look a hot mess. We laugh off our appearance and pray that no other mother, especially that mother even begins to have a clue about what is going on inside our hearts and minds. 

Letting other women in? Really? That is so much easier said than done. Many of us are surrounded by an incredible group of godly women, but we tend to keep walls up and prevent even our inner circle in. Just think about though. How much better would we all be, if we actually let others in? What if actually bore one another's burdens? What if we were willing to let down our guards and let others walk with us through whatever it is we may be dealing with? What if we were honest about hopes and dreams? What if we shared our failures and our struggles?

If churches are a hospital for sinners and not a country club for saints, why do we hold everything in? Church should be the one place we can be ourselves and lay our burdens at the altar. I do think there should be boundaries when we share. I don't think we need to share our inner most thoughts and feelings with everyone we come in contact with. There is a time and a place to share, but the point is that we need to share. We need to let others in and church should be that place.

I realize that I have posed more questions than answers in this post, but this is something I have been thinking about long before my friend posted this picture. Since she posted, it is something I have thought about almost every day. Confession: After my last blog post, a friend from my inner circle sent me a text because she had no clue that any of that was going on and called me out on my pride. Yes, she has been a friend long enough that she has earned the right to do so. Again, I am pretty sure that most of us need to confess our pride and let down our guard with those we love and trust the most. We need to give them permission to decide what is too much for them to hear and give them permission to speak into our lives the way only those closest to use can. We also need to be willing to do the same for them.

All this being said, there are times when our inner circle is only the place to start. There are certain situations in which a therapist is needed. There are times when our friends are not qualified to walk us through certain things. If the thing you are dealing with the most is a mental health issues, then I implore you to please seek out a trained therapist.

In the meantime, hold a mirror up to your heart and be honest with yourself about what areas you keep locked and hidden from those closest to you. Are these areas in which you may need confess your pride? Are there areas in which you need to let certain people in? Think about it. Pray about it and then do whatever it is that you need to do.

Once the inside has been cleaned out, then the inside will actually start to look like the outside. What an amazing freeing thought!

What is Enough?

First, let me just go ahead and tell you that this is going to be a long post. Also, it may seem somewhat disjointed at the start, but I hope you will be able to follow me and see where I am headed. Last, when I started this blog, my goal was to completely open, honest and transparent even when it came to sharing the hard stuff. This post is full of "hard things" for me and definitely not easy to share.

Last Friday, May 16th, I went out on a much needed Girls' Night Out w/ my 2 best friends. The week had been emotionally exhausting for several reasons, but the biggest being that the 16th was the one year anniversary of the day that everything at work hit the fan. We ate dinner at Chili's and then headed to see "Mom's Night Out." The movie was hilarious! There were times I was laughing so hard that it was difficult to breath. Time w/ my friends and the laughter did my soul a world of good. Then, the movie took a turn that took my by surprise and had the tears rolling down my cheeks. I promise I won't spoil the movie, but towards the end there was a conversation about being "enough" b/w 2 of the characters. Given the week I'd had and already being reflective, it caused even more reflection on my part.

So here we go...

Thursday, May 16th the crap hit the fan at work to put it lightly. I was devastated and in total shock. That weekend was spent in tears, praying and seeking godly counsel from those I trust the most. After an emotionally exhausting weekend the decision was made that I would turn in my resignation. Monday morning, May 20th, I went to my supervisors office and handed in my resignation. In all honesty, I had wanted out for a while. I was frustrated and completely burnt out, but didn't have the guts to look for another position and certainly, never would have had the guts to resign. So, while this was not how I would have liked for my time at this company to end, it honestly needed to end and it was way past time for me to be gone. The next 2 weeks were a complete and total blur and I pretty much stayed holed up in my office, not really speaking to anyone, other than when I had to.

About the time all of this was happening, my husband was not feeling well and he just wasn't getting any better. I landed an interview w/ another company and totally bombed it due to being so worried about my husband and honestly, I didn't want to go back to do the same job I was doing, just w/ another company. The day after my interview, my husband was walking through our dining room and almost passed out. All 3 kids were home and it was all I could do not to scream. I called his mother and then raced him to the Vanderbilt ER. I prayed that I wouldn't run into Metro on the way and then again, prayed that maybe Metro would help me get him there faster. I was convinced that he was having a heart attack. Yes, I know, I know, that should have been a 911 call and not me driving like a crazy woman to get my hubby to a hospital 25 mins away. Anyway, I threw my keys at the poor guy running the valet service and just about ran the guy in security over trying to get the love of my life into the ER.

Once there, he was taken to a room and hooked up to a machine to attempt to determine what was going on. After a couple of tests had been run, it was determined that he was not having a heart attack. At that point, we were sent to the waiting room. Low and behold one of the ladies who had interviewed me the day before was sitting there w/ her daughter. We exchanged a few words and I was not overly friendly b/c I was so worried about my hubby. Eventually, my hubby was called back and since there were no rooms, he was placed on a gurney in a hallway and we waited some more. A tech came and drew blood and we waited some more. Eventually, a doctor came over and told us that his blood work looked pretty good and started asking questions. About that time, we told the doctor about the tick bite he had that wouldn't heal and was still irritated and somewhat infected after almost a month. After several hours of craziness and waiting, he was given a script for a strong antibiotic for Lyme's Disease. This took a toll on him for the large majority of the summer. It was a horrific experience and that day and I thought I was going to leave Vandy a widow. While I was not happy to hear that my love had Lyme's Disease, it definitely beat the worst case scenarios playing out in my head.

We did take 3 days to head to Gatlinburg to get away from all of the insanity. I tried and failed to not think about my interview 2 weeks prior. When we returned home, I sent several emails to find about second round interviews only to find out that I was not being called back in. After my job ending the way it did, dealing w/ my hubby getting so sick, this was like rubbing salt in a deep, open wound. I was upset and humiliated. Up to this point, I had never not received a job after an interview. This was a first and not a pleasant first. Little did I know that this would not be the last time in the next year, that humiliation and I would come face to face.

Not only did my hubby spend most of the summer sick, he also did not have the best summer when it came to his line of work and money became increasingly tight. At times we had to pick and choose what bills we would pay and how much we would be able to pay. The difference b/w wants and needs became apparent and difficult choices were made. I knew there was difference b/w wants and needs, but we were now at a time where it really made a difference in our purchases. It's amazing what you can live w/out when you don't have budget to have some of the "luxury" items you like to enjoy. For those of you that know us well, you know that we are not materialistic people to begin w/, but it was difficult to let go of certain things through out this time.

July came and our annual trip to MI didn't happen b/c our finances wouldn't allow it. The van was not driving quite like it should and we didn't trust it to make the 9 hr drive to my sister's house. As if that wasn't bad enough, given the way May and June had gone, my hubby's car died. It died bigger than big on his way to a gig. Thankfully, his brother came to the rescue and let him borrow a car so he could get through the rest of his day. After talking w/ the shop about his car, we were told that it needed a brand new engine b/c his was totally shot and couldn't be repaired. Given the age of his car, the new engine would have been way more expensive than what the car was worth. We looked at several cars and never felt a peace about any of the ones that we looked at, so we became a 1 car family. This led to feelings of isolation due to the fact that if a gig came up, it had to take precedent over a social event and that made it even more difficult, given that I am an extrovert.

As we started into the fall, I joined a Tuesday morning Mom's Bible Study. While I have grown to love this group of ladies and have a couple of great friends in that group, it was and sometimes is hard to be in there. Many of these ladies chose to be housewives. They chose to be in the positions they are in and I felt like the choice was never mine. They knew how to be a stay at home mom and how to be a housewife. While I wanted to be in their shoes, I felt like a fish out of water and there are times that I still feel like a fish out of water where this group is concerned. They have been wonderful and a couple of them have been there to encourage me and cheer me on over the past year and for that I will always be grateful.

In September, my mom took some vacation days and booked a condo in Gatlinburg and invited me and munchkin to join her. That was a nice reprieve from everything and I probably slept better those 3 nights than I had since everything started back in May. During that trip, we went to the Ripley's Aquarium, which is probably one of my favorite things to do while out there. After we came through the incredible shark tunnel a picture was taken. When I came home and really looked at that picture, I realized how large I had become and what would happen if I continued down that road and my weight loss journey started. That is a whole blog post in and of itself and I won't go into all of that in this post.

We headed into October and I felt for sure that things would get easier for us heading into the last 3 mos of the year. Well, that wrong. Typically, October is a time of "feast" for us and we enjoy getting caught up on some things and then enjoy a few small splurges. That didn't happen. Things were shaky at best. Our nerves were shot. Putting food on the table and gas in the van became a huge struggle. By the time we hit December, I was convinced that we were going to go under b/c things were that tight and the income just wasn't there.

I wish I could say that I totally trusted the Lord would provide, but that would be a lie. I knew that none of this of took Him by surprise and that somehow He would bring us through it, but my faith was not as strong as it should have been. I went to church and put on my "happy camper" face that we all tend to do when things aren't going well b/c, who wants to actually admit that things are bad and their faith is wavering? About that time, I was reading several devotions on You Version and a couple of verses jumped out at me and kept me going even on the hardest of days:

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and show you the way to go; with my eye on you, I will give you counsel.

Psalm 95:1 "Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation!" (emphasis is mine)

Numbers 6:24-26 "May Yahweh bless you and protect you; may Yahweh make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; may Yahweh look with favor on you and give you peace.  

At this point, it would have made sense to let a few people in on what was going on. I will be honest, pride prevented me from opening up, even to those in my inner circle. Not one of them had a clue as to how tight things really were for us. There were times, I would tell my friends that there was schedule conflict, when in reality, we just couldn't afford for me to meet up and go out w/ my friends. I finally let one and only one person in on what was going on. That person became our lifeline through Dec and Jan. Thanks to that person, I was able to enjoy a Judson Singers' Reunion. Thanks to this person, our kids had Christmas and we had a nice meal on Christmas Day. Yes, things were so tight, we couldn't afford Christmas for our kids. This person also kept food on our table for a couple of months and if one of the kids needed something, this person made the sacrifice to take care of the need. In Jan, we didn't have the money to pay tuition for the kids. We had received a savings bond from my father's estate and that covered one child, but not the other 2 and this person wrote the check to keep our kids in school.

I hate, loathe, despise having to ask for help. My husband and I are not ones to ask for handouts, nor do we like asking for help to provide for our family. Thankfully, I have an incredible husband who is not afraid of hard work and even took on a part time job to help make ends meet. Given that neither one of us are afraid of work and don't think there is a job that is beneath us, to be in this position was difficult and humiliating.

At one point, a couple of snarky comments were made about us "eating out a lot." Little did that person know, that we were using gift cards given to us at Christmas. If we went out, we either used a gift card or had a nice coupon. This small gift allowed us to feel like we were "normal" and could enjoy things that we knew we couldn't afford. I share this, only b/c you never know what another person is going through or what is going on behind the scenes. 

The Lord opened a door for me to start a contract position w/ our church in Jan. While I don't make a large amount of money, I do make enough to pay a small bill or put gas in the van. With my previous experience, this job is a great fit for me and it allows me to feel like I am making a difference and contributing. This has also allowed me be back in a ministry position and I can't even begin to state how that makes me feel. I still have a heart for women's ministry and I still pray that the Lord will open a door for that down the road, but this season, I know this is what I am supposed to be doing.

As we started into spring, the Lord started to answer our prayers and my hubby's work started to pick up. In April, ALL of my hubby's weekends were filled and he even had gigs at other times during the week. We finally took a deep breath and felt like we could actually start to breathe where finances were concerned. No, we were not rolling in it by any stretch of the imagination, but bills were getting paid and it was easier to put food on the table. As we have started to head into the start of summer, things have started to turn around for us. We were blessed w/ a tax refund that is allowing us to pay off some debt and we were able to bring 2 credit cards down to a zero balance! As I write this, my husband will have worked for 9 days straight and will also work tomorrow. I like that we can breathe and even can enjoy some small splurges that we haven't enjoyed in a while, not to mention, we have been able to put money back into our non-existent savings account. 

To back up just a little bit, I know I haven't shared much at all what is has been like to be a stay at home mom and a housewife. This is the first time since I turned 16 that I haven't worked, so this was a huge change for me. While I wanted to be in this position, I didn't know how to fulfill this role. Honestly, a year in, I am still not convinced that I know what I am doing. I can say, that through all of the craziness and insanity of the past year, getting to be w/ my kids for more than a couple of hours a day during the week and then on weekends has been wonderful. For the first time, I didn't have to feel guilty about missing out on events at the kids' school. I have been able to volunteer in the classrooms and actually be there for school events w/out having to rely on pictures and videos from my hubby. I take my kids to school and pick them up in the afternoons. I get to actually talk to their teachers and meet other parents. When I pick them up in their classrooms, they are happy to see me, especially peanut. Most days he yells "mommy" and runs towards me and gives me a big hug. Our church has a playgroup and for the first time, my kids were able to go. I have been able to watch them develop relationships w/ other kids at church thanks to this playgroup. There are days that I am exhausted and there are times on Wed nights that I can't wait to drop them off in their classrooms. This year has given me time w/ my kids that I have missed out on the past several years. The mommy guilt is not completely gone, but it has not been near as bad this year as it has in the past. I know that at some point, I will look back on this year and will realize how important it was in building the relationships b/w me and my children. They are incredible and have 3 very distinct personalities and I have enjoyed watching them grow and getting to be there as they have hit different milestones. I have to say that stay at home moms rock. I could write another blog post on the differences of being a working mom and a stay at home mom. BOTH are rewarding and challenging in their own ways. I am happy thankful to have experienced life on both sides of that fence. 

I have had more time w/ my husband in the past year than I have had in years past. Before I resigned there were too many days where I would leave early in the morning and then walk in the door as he was headed out and we barely had time for a quick kids before he left. I was home on weekends and he worked. It benefited my kiss b/c they didn't have to go to day care and they had both parents, but it was almost like we were roommates rather than husband and wife. Yes, me being home was an adjustment, but we were able to spend time together that we hadn't had in a while. Thursdays became our days. I look forward to Thursdays most weeks b/c I know that will get at least a little time together. During the summer, we will have to figure out time once our kiddos are home on those days, but somehow we will make it work. So, in the insanity of the past year, I feel like I have been given the gift of being a wife and mother in a way that I have never experienced before.

Back to the title of my blog "What is Enough?" The Lord is enough. Even when we don't see or don't understand what He is up to, He is there and He is enough. When only the bare minimum of our needs are being met, it is enough. On the days when I feel like a failure as a wife and a mother, I am enough. On the days you don't feel like it, please know that you are enough!

I didn't share this post to have people feel sorry for us, but to be encouraged that the days in the valley don't last forever. Some valleys may seems deeper and longer than others, but the mountain top is coming. I know there have been times when I have heard stories such at this from others and it reminds me that I am not alone. If you are at a point in your life and you can relate to all or part of this post, I hope you realize that you are not alone and that you are enough. HE is enough.

Southern Baptist. Why Lent?

Most people don't realize that my family has deep Catholic and Episcopalian roots. It is a long story as to how we ended up Southern Baptist and why I chose to stay Southern Baptist as an adult, but I guess there is a part of my family heritage that seems to flow a little harder through my veins this time of year. There are many things that I LOVE about being Southern Baptist and then there are things that I just don't feel that we get quite right and the season of Lent is one of them.

Don't get me wrong, Easter is absolutely important and the very basis of our beliefs on salvation and we believe without Easter weekend, there would be no way to have eternal salvation. We believe that Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and died. He was buried and then He ROSE three days later and ascended into Heaven. Because of His sacrifice and resurrection, once we accept Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we can be saved and live for eternity in Heaven with Him.

Romans 5:8
8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Back to Lent. As a child in a Southern Baptist Church, the season of Lent was not observed and it wasn't until college that I made the personal choice to start observing Lent. For me personally, it was taking time to reflect on what Easter really means. Yes, there are things that I choose to give up for the season of Lent, but it pails in comparison the sacrifice that Christ made for me. Also, I don't take breaks from my "sacrifice" on Sundays and I follow through until Easter Sunday.

In years past, I have always given up cokes and sweet tea and some years chocolate, but since none of that is a part of my daily diet, I don't feel like it is appropriate to choose those things this year. It was a struggle to choose what I would be giving up this year and the Lord reminded me of the journey He has had me on since Sept. The Bible talks about our bodies being a temple and that is an area in which I have struggled:

I Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Over the past several years, I have greatly neglected my "temple" and made several negative choices where my body is concerned. While I have made great progress, I am not where I would like to be and what better time to focus on this than the season of Lent?

For Lent this year, I will be once again going a clean eating challenge and this is what that looks like:
1) Drinking only water. No milk, tea, juice, smoothies, etc...
2) Eating plenty of fresh fruits and veggies.
3) Eating only lean meats, like turkey, chicken and shrimp as long as they are grilled or broiled. No steak, other types of beef or pork.
4) No desserts or sweets.

Since I am training for 2 different 5Ks, I also plan to walk/ jog 10-15 miles per week.

I encourage you to take the time and find out what it means to observe Lent and then pray about whether or not you should participate. This does not have to be something legalistic in nature, but one that helps you reflect on the season of Lent and what Easter means to you and your salvation.   

My Journey to a Healthy Lifestyle

I am going to be extremely transparent in this post and all I ask is that if you choose to read it, that you will read it w/ an open mind and not post any judgmental comments and realize how hard it is for me to share this.

Many people have asked me "What are you doing to lose weight?" Since it's been a while since I have had a blog post, I thought this would be a great first post for 2014.

This journey has been anything but easy and many times I wanted to give up, pull out the junk food and the sweats. Thankfully, I have had an amazing support system on this journey. I would list names, but I am afraid that I would unintentionally leave out a name.

Let's go back to Aug of 2012. I was in a school that I loved and while there were definitely some stressors, I was in a good place and started to make some changes and I saw some weight loss. As it came closer to the end of the first semester things got a little more stressful and I stopped much of what I had been doing and the weight started to slowly come back on. Fast forward to the spring and my stress level was extremely high and my intake of ice cream and chips greatly increased. Let me just admit to you now, that I tend to be an emotional eater and yes, as a therapist, I know better. In May when everything hit the roof and I turned in my resignation, Ben and Jerry's and Doritos became my best friend and I ate what I wanted w/ out stopping to think about what I was doing to myself.

Last summer was probably one of the hardest summers I have faced in a long time. My self-esteem had taken a nose dive. I am a type A personality and failure is not an option and with all that took place in May, I felt exactly like that, a failure. I put on my happy camper face and moved through the summer like everything was fine, but it was anything but.

Over Labor Day weekend I went w/ my mother and my daughter on a girls' weekend to Gatlinburg. It did my soul some good to go to my "happy place" and get out of Nashville for a couple of days, especially since it didn't work out for me and my family to head to MI for our annual 4th of July trip. On this trip I can honestly say that I relaxed and started to feel a little more like myself. That Sunday we went to the Ripley's Aquarium and had a picture taken just on the other side of the long shark tunnel. When we got the picture back, I was horrified at how I looked. That was the first time in a while that I had seen a full body picture of myself and it was a wake-up call.

When we returned home, I made the decision to give up Coke and Dr. Pepper and to start drinking only water. This helped a little bit and I watched the scale until just after my birthday in Oct and that point I realized I needed to make some major changes. Back in 2012, I had joined Spark People and decided to go back and start up w/ them again and I am so glad that I did.

On Oct 11th, I started a 30 day challenge in which, I drank only water, ate only lean meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and had NO sweets. I also worked out for a minimum of 30 mins a day, 5 days a week. The no sweets part was extremely difficult, but w/ much prayer and support I made it through the 30 days.

At this point, making healthy choices was easier b/c I had made it a habit. I have nothing but positive things to say about Spark People! It can be a little time consuming b/c I have to track everything I eat as well as everything I do in my workouts daily. The other wonderful thing is that Spark People is about educating it's members and they believe in helping people make a lifestyle change, rather than just going on a diet. A diet has a start and end point, but a lifestyle change has a starting point, but no ending point. There are no drinks, shakes, pills or special meals. It's all about learning how to shop, cook, make healthy choices when eating out as well as learning what to do when you are working out.

At this point, I still struggle w/ telling myself that certain foods are "bad," b/c I know that eating an actual serving of one of those foods won't undo all of my work. It has been a challenge to change my mindset. I shared earlier in the post that I gave up cokes and by Christmas, I really wanted one, so I decided that one coke w/ Christmas lunch was fine. My wonderful hubby made sure that there was one in the fridge for me. We sat down to lunch on Christmas Day and I poured the coke over a large glass of ice and took that first sip. Honestly, it wasn't that great and it tasted a little weird. I had also allowed myself to eat low mein, an eggroll and crab ragoon the night before, along w/ pigs in a blanket that morning for breakfast. Yep, my body totally revolted. I was shocked at how a couple of months of clean eating would cause such a revolt from my body. Honestly, now that I know how my body will react, I don't really crave those things too much at this point. I have also learned how to make healthier versions of some of my favorite foods and that way I don't feel deprived.

Through all of this, I had the privilege of starting to take a ballet class on Friday mornings, along w/ continuing to dance on Wed nights at church. At first, the ballet classes were frustrating b/c I knew what I had been capable of doing in the past and I couldn't do it any more. Our ballet instructor is wonderful and patient. He does not become frustrated when I or one of the other ladies makes a mistake. He laughs w/ us, gives us tips on ways to correct the issue and shares stories about his mistakes. On Wed nights, our wonderful leader is also patient and never shows any frustration when anyone makes a mistake. Overall, the ladies in both groups are wonderful and encouraging. Now that I am several months into the lifestyle change, I feel more confident on Wed nights and Fri mornings. My technique is still far from perfect and there are still some moves that I struggle w/, but it is slowly starting to come back.

The wonderful thing from my Wed night group is that I had some cheerleaders emerge that I never expected. When I would hit a plateau or get frustrated, I had a group cheering me on and helping me over the hurdles. Even now that I am so close to my goal, these ladies are still cheering me on and encouraging me. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to put these wonderful ladies in my life!

I have to take time to talk about my wonderful hubby. He has definitely been my biggest cheerleader through it all. He has tolerated the food "makeover" in the house and told me from day that he thinks I am beautiful, even when I felt like anything but. He doesn't get angry when he suggests something for dinner and I tell him "it's not on my plan." My hubby has made sure that I have had the time I needed to get in my workouts, even if that means he sits upstairs with the kids during nap time instead of working in his office, so I could be in the basement. When you have a supportive hubby, it really does make all the difference in the world. 

As of last Sat, I have lost 31.6 lbs and am now down to my last 10 lbs. I have not taken any more measurements, so I can't state how many inches I have lost at this point. I have dropped 3 pant sizes and 2 sizes in shirts. I shared on FB that I had a Kohl's gift card and ended up purchasing a pair of pants in a size that I have not seen in almost 10 yrs.

I now have more energy to keep up w/ my kids and keep up w/ things that I need to do around the house. I don't dread looking in the mirror or having my picture taken. The Lord opened a door for me to work a small contract position w/ in my church for a few hours a week and I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now than I was last summer. Some days are still hard and cause me to want to head out and pick up my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry's or a bag of Doritos, but I know that it won't help and that it will only open the door to start heading back in the wrong direction and instead I pray or work out.

The one thing I hope anyone takes away from reading this, is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The weight didn't come on over night and it won't come off over night. Find a support system. Some of those people will come from your inner circle and some will come from places you never expected. Take it one day at a time. If you look at how far you still have to go, it will only discourage you. Look at the small steps you have taken and be proud of what you have accomplished. Know that in the end it will all be worth it. Plateaus happen! Don't give up. Look at what you are doing and then evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. This is about getting healthy and not getting to a number on the scale or getting into a certain size in jeans. Yes, having goals is important, but looking at the overall picture and getting to a place where you feel healthy and feel good about yourself is important. The last thing is find verses, passages of scripture to help you along the way and definitely make sure prayer is a part of this journey. The Lord does care and sometimes the only way to make it through a work out or walking past the ice cream in the grocery store is through prayer.

Check out Spark People if you are looking for a place to start. It is 100% free and you set your own goals or have the choice to join group goals. I am a huge fan and would highly recommend it to anyone. The message boards are full of supportive people and there is even a place to post and get a response directly from a Spark Coach.

http://sparkpeople.com/

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, or if you just need some encouragement to get started, I am here.

Praying blessings over all of you and that the Lord will allow 2014 to be an incredible year.